Arguing with cripples! ... hey, its a Christmas Carol Tradition

So yesterday I went to the Tesco supermarket to get in some beer for xmas. Got my stuff, got in the queue to checkout. In front of me was this woman I would put in her mid 50's who was in a wheelchair. And she looked like one of those "I've just got so fat now I cant walk" ones as opposed to the "Oh you mean THAT car" ones.

But Im all cool. Wasnt in that big of a rush. Didn't mind when she had to tell a story to the checkout girl to go with everything that went through. All with lots of gesturing and laughing at herself and fucking jollyness
"Yes, thats a duck. We are having duck for xmas. My daughter doesn't like turkey. Her husband prefers turkey but ever since that time..... " blah, blah, blah.

So yeah. Eventually she got all her stuff through and it was time to pay. And thats when she noticed a pair of antler things on the girls till.... I'll post in a pic.
At this point the woman who was still doing the "Arent I the life and soul of the party" routine lost her mind.
W = Wheelchair lady
C = Checkout Girl
M = Me (later)

W = Oh, ANTLERS!!! Put them on!! Put them on!
C = (laughing) No, Im ok thanks. Thats £80
W = Well Im NOT PAYING till you put them on! C'mon its XMAS!!
C = No really, I have a headband on, my hair will go everywhere if I move it
W = GOD! Why are you so MISERABLE? Put them on!
C = Honestly, I cant. I'd have to go and get myself neat afterwards and its a little too busy (she points at the queue now formed behind me)
W = Im not paying! Not until you get in the XMAS SPIRIT!! Here, give them to ME! I'll put them on!!
C = (still managing to fucking smile) No, can we just stop holding up the queue please? Thats £80
W = But its XMAS! Everyone wants to see you put them on! (turns to me). You tell her. Tell her to put them on!
M = If she doesnt want to, she doesnt want to. Its no big deal
W = Oh, you SCROOGE YOU! ITS XMAS!!! What is your problem? (.......and at this point, I shit you not, she pokes me with a walking stick)
M = (leaning in with best happy face) My problem is some cunt put you in that wheelchair before I had a chance to. Now get out of everybody's fucking way before I set fire to that chair and we see how fast your fat arse can run then

She got out of the way then.



Merry Xmas :)

U is for United... apparently

So on Saturday my copy of U is for United arrived in the post after I had ordered it from Indyplanet. This is the second anthology book by the users of the Comic Forums and also the second I've been involved in.
Compared to the first one this is about twice the size, so came in a nice mini graphic novel format, and also seems a bit more polished. I have two stories in there.... "Narcolepsia and Pokey" and the "Geeksorcist".
Fairly happy with both of them. The Narcolepsia one was a bit odd as I just got a message from a guy on the forums asking if I'd write a 5 pager about his girlfriend who sleeps a lot. So I came up with a snoozy superheroine and her monkey sidekick whose main job is to keep her awake. Was never really intended to see print and one of the visual jokes I wrote got rewritten at the art stage. Still works but cant help thinking its wrong now... guess Im getting all primadonna now I've had a few things drawn up :)

The Geeksorcist one is cool and drawn by J Evan who I hadnt done stuff with before. Again a little gutted because time restrictions on his part meant having to trim the original script down so the page of crucifix masturbation jokes got canned. Feel its missing some of its class now, y'know?

Anyway, was cool to hold another book with my stuff in, and its another line on my comicsdb entry which Im kinda proud of. Already have my two scripts in and approved for the third installment of this anthology as well and should also get an entry for the Insomnia press short story book I contributed to. Building up the CV man!

A quick argument for Creationists

Before we start, do you know Morph? No? Ok... he was on a kids tv show and was a stop motion animated guy made of clay. There he is over there <---- Cool little fucker isnt he? Anyway... Saw one of those creationist types on tv this week and apparently one of their big arguments to defend their fairy stories is about the eye. Basically they say that the eye is too complicated an organ to have evolved naturally and therefore is proof of gods hand in the whole origin of everything. But surely, if we were all magically popped into existance by a god character, we wouldnt NEED to be so complicated. If you chopped my arm off it would be like old Morph's over there. Just solid. No need for all this complicated technical stuff keeping it going and making it work. God would have just made us and said "Now live" ...or even "NOW LIVE!". He wouldnt have spent the time to design the pancreas. Whats the point? If you can magic stuff to life you dont need to worry about practicalities like that, you just will it to happen.

sometimes I think too much.

I almost killed a biker today!!

Was totally my fault as well. I saw him in my rear view mirror and totally neglected to pull over to the kerb to create that magical expanding middle lane for motorbikes to go through. As a result, when he squeezed between me and another car at 70mph we almost crushed him by virtue of it being a two lane road and there already being two of us driving parallel down it. Everyone knows, if you see a motorbike on a two lane road it immediately becomes a three lane one and its your duty as a car driver to accomodate the fact that it is beneath a biker to adhere to the same "one lane, one vehicle" rule the rest of us do.

Actually if I am sat in a stationary traffic jam and a bike is weaving in and out of traffic I dont begrudge them that at all. Its when you are going at speed and they still want to play fucking dodgems


Always loved this ad which got shown LOADS on UK television as well. I think the point is to say "Be careful of bikers". To me thought it says
"Check this prick swerving all over the road and driving round the OUTSIDE of you while you make a perfectly safe turn"
Now you see him... now you say "Serves you right you tosser"

E-mail retards

So part of my job is monitoring the works email system for abuse and viruses and all that crap.
Obviously not gonna go in to specifics on emails as that would be unethical... even if a few years back this really hot girl set off the "foul language filter" by graphically describing to another hot girl the severe fucking she was going to give her that night. Even then.. it would be wrong :)

But my two things today...
First the latest dumb womens email. And yeah, I know its sexist but looking at the instances of this in here and also checking through the chain of how these mails are getting forwarded from place to place, its ALWAYS women who send this shit on. Anyway, this latest one is about some disabled kid called Shay who managed to actually fucking hit a ball in a baseball game and died the next day, but isnt it all wonderful and uplifting and tragic! You know, the kind of shit some women just lap up. "Oooh, you mean a child died but was brave first? I'll watch that movie". If you want to read the full bollocks story and other people hating it, just google "May your day, be a Shay Day". These mails which always end with a "Forward this on or you are a bad person and god will give you a brain tumour" just piss me off. But not as much as the fucking retards who keep them going. Know I bitch about this a lot but its like reality tv... a sure sign of stupidity and a benchmark for "Which fuckers should we just take outside and shoot in the head"

My second is a bit of advice. If you hate your job, fine. If you are looking for another job, fine. If you are signed up to job agencies and shit like that, fine. If you use your WORK email address to do it, then basically you are telling them in advance you are a fucking clueless idiot. Had to give out another verbal warning on this today and got the standard "I didnt think it would be a problem" reply. Morons.

Pissed off now.... so heres a monster fish eating a duck :)

Few mini rants

Old people shopping
Look, its fucking Xmas. Shopping in town is a total nightmare at the moment. I went through town on Saturday... it was hell. But WHY are there so many old people out? Bastards could go in the week when its quiet, why do they have to go in when its busy and STILL get in the front of queues and instead of just paying start a "Do you think my grandson will like this? He's 5 you know. Do you want to see a photo?" conversation with the girl on the check-out.
NO. FUCK OFF. GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY. THIS IS BAD ENOUGH WITHOUT YOU MAKING IT WORSE

Strictly Come Dancing
Or what is it in America? Dancing with the Stars. Im only pissed about this coz a guy in work watches it... I'll say that again.. A GUY, and insists on talking about it for at least an hour every monday. And in depth too, lots of "The steps were well done, but I wasnt feeling the emotion". Combine this with the girls who seem to re-watch a season of Friends every fucking weekend and "Ohmygod, its just sooooo funny"
NO ITS NOT. I actually gave this show such a chance, watched the entire first series when staying with an ex who had the flu and it fucking sucked. And dont start me on that fucking Shwimmer guy and his "oooh, I might cry, Im a little boy" face. Wanna kick that cunt into a coma.

Jamie Oliver : the Magazine
Yeah, the cocksucker has a mag now. Every month you can buy it and read the wit and wisdom of the UK's number one celebrity chef retard. Saw this while queueing to buy something on Saturday and pissed the wife off by commenting "Oh for FUCKS sake" and apparently upsetting some women in the queue. Fuck 'em, this is more important than their delicate sensibilities. Each issue should come with a pack of razor blades and a step by step guide to wrist opening.

When virtual people get REAL!!

So you're reading this, that means you are a net nerd, right? So odds are, like me, you have that weird phenomenon that is "Virtual Mates".
You know, the ones you bullshit with online all the time, but have never actually met. Fucking weird innit?

Now I met my first virtual mate for real a few years back, purely because we both lived in Cardiff. That was Rob "Seraphyn" Jackson and since then we and our wives have become good beer buddies. Dont see him online as much these days but do try and meet up whenever we can and genuinely look forward to when we do.
Met a load more off the back of going to nerdy comic cons some of whom I like to think of as real good friends now, others who I wish I had the same "ignore"button in real life that you get online. Also we went to New York last year and while it was our first trip to the States we had mates over their who were excited about our visit and went out of their way to make a big fuss of us... even though it was the first time we had actually met.
All very odd.
Last Saturday, as is shown in the suitably dark pic above, I met Mark Chilcott who I've spoken to loads online and who I'm doing this Insomnia comic with. Its still the strangest feeling meeting someone for the first time when you already kinda know them. Think he was a little freaked out as well... but that might just have been due to how wasted I was when he got there.

Still good to say I've hung out with these people tho as otherwise I'd feel bad when my mother, who doesnt really get all this, says "Ahhh, were you talking with your computer friends again?" like I've been having a fucking dolls tea party or something

Licenced breeding....no, give it a chance!

Ok, so here in the lovely UK (yawn) the big news thing STILL seems to be Baby P!
sorry, did that wrong, legally you have to say "Baby P... isnt it awful?" then tilt your head a bit with a look of concern till someone says "Yes, its tragic"

If you dont know, its some baby who was killed by its retard parents and now everyone is "WHO CAN WE BLAME?" and council care workers are resigning and all the usual shit. Obviously the only fuckers who did it are the parents themselves, but we do love to try and spread the shit if we can and Im sure the milkman who came to the door every day but did nothing will soon have to go live in a cave somewhere.

So firstly, yeah it sucks. The people who beat up a baby should be shot in the head. All fair enough. But you want to know the only way you are gonna stop shit like this? Licenced breeding.

So heres my plan.

I got a cousin who runs her own business and whose husband is an advertising exec. They are nice people, have a nice house, are ALL kinds of solvent financially. They decided to adopt and had to go through a year of screening and other stuff before they were allowed to do so.

So what Im saying is this... if you want to be able to claim ANY kind of child benefit or support when you have a kid, you have to first get a licence to do so. That way the fucking scummers who shit out a kid to get a free council flat or extra support money while they sit at home watching tv all day wont be able to do so and will only have kids they actually want to have.
As long as people are having kids as a means to an end, you cant expect them to give a shit about their welfare. If I go and walk to the shopping street this lunchtime I guarantee I'll see at least 5 couples pushing prams who are obviously not working but because of the kid have a house and money coming in. And they invariably look like their own parents shouldnt have been allowed to breed (possibly due to being related) let alone them having ones themselves.

To be honest, if I could I'd say nobody should be allowed to have kids without proving they are capable of being parents. Take the equivalent of a driving test first.

Know people will argue that its everyones god given right to procreate. I'd just argue its my god given right to say "Fine, but dont expect everyone else to support you if you do".

First black president??... well, actually

Read a very interesting article online this week. Someone had posted it on their Facebook with the heading "File this under Who Cares" ... kinda makes you wonder why they felt the need to post it, but moving on.

Just commenting that as the pic of baby Barack with his mum shows, he's 50/50.

Did make me wonder though, will everyone eventually be black?
Two white parents - baby is white
Two black parents - baby is black
One of each - baby is still called black

So there has to be more black than white people every generation. Simple maths.

Dont get me wrong, not saying this is a bad thing. World would be WAY less fucked up if we all woke up blue or green tomorrow. Just think its funny that such a big deal is being made of him being black when techincally he is multi-racial, same as a large percentage of other people on this planet classed as such.

Sorry, that was a fucking boring post wasnt it?

How about some comedy to cheer it all up? I got a gum infection which has swollen up my head and given me a Simpsons overbite! Giving everyone else a laugh at least. Fucking weird though, feel like I got someone elses mouth on and the me in the mirror doesnt look like me. Know its bad due to how many times last night the wife said "I still love you" , which translates to "I still love you, even though you look like the fucking elephant man"

Ah well, hopefully will calm itself down in a day or two