People are stupid

So I was in Lidls again... soaking up the atmosphere. Grabbing a can of coke.

In the queue to get my shit and theres this Alan Moore looking fucker in the queue in front of me talking to the girl on the checkout. I say talking, he was talking. She hadnt quite perfected the indoor voice yet.

Anyway it was like this... I'll do AM for Alan moore and CG for checkout girl

CG
I saw Wolverine last night. I loves the X-Men films I do. My son loves them as well and so does my boyfriend

AM
I dont care for superhero movies. I find them childish, I much prefer Star Trek.

CG
Oh yeah, I wants to see Star Trek. Do you wants to see Star Trek?

AM
Oh no. Have you seen the trailer? Its preposterous. The entire movie is about Kirk driving around in a car! The whole point of Star Trek is KIRK CANNOT DRIVE AROUND IN A CAR! He doesnt have the capacity to drive. Thats what makes him Kirk!

CG
Oh, I loves Star Trek. I watches it all the time. My favourite is the one with that Jean Paul Gauiltier in it. He's wicked.

AM (now quite animated)
I only like the ORIGINAL. And of course Deep Space Nine because as everyone knows it is based on Babylon Five (and he turned to the other people queuing to emphasise this) THE GREATEST TELEVISION SHOW OF ALL TIME!!!

So he pisses off. Its my turn. Im trying not to make eye contact with the dough faced girl but she just held my can in a "I might scan this in a minute and talked to me"

CG
So do you like Wolverine

Me
Yeah, I saw it last night

CG
Yeah, I loved it. I hope they make a sequel

Me
Well, the first X-Men movie is really its sequel

CG (laughing)
Dont be STUPID. That was out ages ago. How could it be a sequel?


My can of coke was really nice though.

I got another comic book signed up!

So I just got the email through this morning saying that my pitch for a full original graphic novel has been accepted. This is all kinds of cool, if a little scary as it'll be the longest single thing I've tried my hand at. Damaged Goods is a full OGN (nerd term) but its an anthology of short horror stories where this is one great big thing.

Luckily I have a very cool editor who has kinda taken me under her wing a bit and helped me a lot with putting ideas together, so she can hopefully steer me towards putting out something that people will dig.

Cant say too much about it at the moment but it'll be dark and sexy. Will be trying to work in some slight humour but it'll be of the "HA! They just chopped his head off" kind of funny.
I will of course bore the shit out of any of you reading this with updates as and when artist get assigned etc

And to make up for posting more crap about myself, I offer by means of an apology two pictures of Megan Fox wearing a hot corset while filming Jonah Hex

Comic Review : Oceanverse #01

Oceanverse Issue 1
So seeing as I'm an indy comics monkey myself I figured it was only fair I looked at another independent comic for my first review in a while. So the one I picked, by virtue of my wife having bought it, was Oceanverse, written and drawn by Michael Schwartz.

Ok, lets give you the short version. This book is fucking weird. BUT, and its an important "but" ... its cool and weird. This first issue basically introduces us to the crew of the Red Herring, a submarine full of the types of adventurers you would get in 40s and 50s comics and movies. Granted, in the 40's they never had a talking cow as the ship's cook like in this book, but this does still have a cool retro feel to it. While not a parody on the old boys own adventure strips like Dan Dare and 20,000 Leagues under the Sea this does seem to give a nod to these whilst doing its own odd thing.

The first thing you will notice though is the weird layout in as much as the pages are all landscape, not portrait. This is due to each page having been originally published as two online webstrips and I was impressed that while each part has to be understandable as an of itself, it also all flowed together really well once collected.

This is a weird one for me to want to recommend as while I really enjoyed it, it was odd enough that I could see some people just not getting it. So what I would recommend is going to check out the webcomic first which you can do at Oceanverse.com and decide for yourself

Its definately worth a visit, and anyway, how often do you get to see someone punch out a swordfish?

Nasty case of MyBrute addiction

MYBRUTE
You seen this "game"? I'm putting in the commas coz unlike most games you dont actually do anything.
You just select a fight for your guy and he jumps in and does the rest.. or in my case, doesnt do the rest. Seriously... my guy sucks!

Weirdly though its horribly fucking addictive. You get one point for a lose and two for a win and as you get more points you get higher stats and weapons. I currently have a dog who is kinda cool, a stick which does fuck all damage and a club that Steven fucking Hawking could dodge with a wheel clamp on. Regarldess I'm still checking into it first thing every morning.
I do like the way though that unlike most online games there seems to be no way to cheat.
And I've looked as well. Searched for Mybrute cheats and Mybrute hacks ... got nothing. Only way to increase your mybrute health and stats is to do what I'm doing... keep logging in and getting your arse kicked.

Anyway, if you too wanna get sucked in go check it out here
You can also then view the last few times my guy got royally ass-fucked. On Level 7 at the moment so only 3 off the magic level 10 at which point I can start up a clan so all the other nerds I know playing can join and um.... nothing probably.
See? I told you.. its shit. WHY CANT I QUIT THE FUCKING THING??

Youtube wankers

So on Friday night I was having a few beers with the wife and we were playing a few music vids on Youtube. Had an urge to watch the Marilyn Manson - Dope Show video so put it in a search.
Got a shit load of hits on it so tried to check it out.
But you know what we got? Well firstly EVERY cunt who has ever been to a Marilyn Manson gig seems to have put their shitty camera phone recording of it online. Then we have the fucking slide shows. "Heres the song complete with some still images of the band I found on the net"... who the FUCK wants to see that? Then worse you get the "here's me singing along" or "here's a close up as I fuck up the chords of the song while playing along".
Im all for a bit of creativity, but some people really have to realise when they are just putting out shit for the sake of it.

And last night we watched the dvd of Crank. Fucking AWESOME movie so we wanted to check out the trailer for the sequel. Clicked the vid I have put below and you know what it is? The trailer over which some prick has put little pop ups. Not funny ones. Not clever ones. Just fucking speetch bubbles of the odd line as its said and the occasional tag in case anyone watching is too fucking stupid to realise what is on the screen without guidance.
Pissed me right the fuck off.

Angry about random shit

Going to the Bristol Comic Con on the 9th of May. All cool. Just found out that British Rail have cancelled all trains between Cardiff and Bristol that weekend.
fucking cunts
Gonna have to try and blag a lift up now as cant do the whole replacement bus/taxi thing as if I do I'll be pissed off before I even get there which isnt a good idea bearing in mind how long my "List of idiots I cant tell to fuck off because I've been told to play nice" is. The easy train ride up with the guys was supposed to chill me out.


And I know I said I wouldnt bitch about saint Jade Goody any more, but ITS NOT MY FAULT. The fuckers keep goading me, man. They are apparently now making a fucking musical about her life! I'm particularly looking forward to singing along to "Im a fat pig and nobody likes me" "Piss off home you paki bitch" and "Its hard to sing a song when you've got cancer". I can only hope its part of a herd thinning process and everyone who buys tickets gets gassed at each show and is buried out the back.

Kirsten Dunst is apparently holding out for more money and more for her character before she returns to do SPider-Man 4. Really? WHY?
Seriously, they should do a big survey and ask 10,000 fans of the last two movies these two questions

1) Do you care if Mary Jane is back in the next film?
2) If she was back and we couldnt get Dunst, would you mind us recasting as long as the actress was hot?

Preeeetty damn sure they'd quickly realise how little anyone going to that film cares for the actress or the character.

And can the world please stop wanking off over "the pig with the voice of an angel". I thought it was just the UK that loved a plucky loser but apparently the whole world is now in love with the Britains got Talent monster. Next stage will be the inevitable makeover. Then there'll be the year of her popping up everywhere. Then the media will decide its time to tear her to peices.
Cant we just skip to the end?

And apparently Gillian Anderson is in talks to appear on Doctor Who. This doesnt piss me off but I need an excuse to post a pic of a redhead in pvc before I kill someone.

Making little fuckers cry

So a bit of background.... I went to my parents last night. Got one of those speeches which is basically "Why do you spend your weekends enjoying yourself? Why arent you at garden centers?".

Got me a little edgy. They cant quite understand that while watching the house and garden channel is fun for them, I dont give a fuck.

So on the way home I stop off at the supermarket to get some beer. In there and I can here this prick.. "No, thats NOT the one I like, get me the OTHER one!". Shit like that. Sounds like a spoilt 5 year old girl but with a guys voice. Then I see the fucker and its some 22 year old with one of those single pencil line beard things and floppy hair who was obviously going around with his mother while she bought him stuff. And wherever I was, I could hear him fucking bitching about everything and basically bullying her.
Turned into one aisle and he's stood in the middle on his own going "Oh for GODS SAKE! Where IS that woman? Mother? MOTHER? Its THESE ONES. Oh... for GODS SAKE!"
so being me I just did a 180. Keep the cunt out of view, you know?

So anyway, I go to the other end of the store, and its one of those HUGE Tescos. Grabbed some of these little cheesy things I know Iz likes and as I get to the end of the aisle, I hear him again "No, these are the WRONG ONES AGAIN!! For Gods Sake you are so useless." and he barrels round the corner, straight into me.

and I kinda snapped

All a little hazy, but do know I said "If I hear your fucking voice one more time I'll give you the fucking slap that bitch should have you peice of shit cunt". Also know that either I grew or he shrank. Guessing the latter.
Also know the fucker teared up. Serious bottom lip wobbling and he scuttled back around the corner to mummy.

Didnt hear him after that.

so what did you do last night?

I'm a fucking winner! ....no, honest

Forgot to say about this... The guys over on the Geek Syndicate website ran a Watchmen competition when the movie came out. You had to come up with a missing character from the book and give their bio etc.

So I put in an entry and won the fucker!
Got a copy of the very cool Watching the Watchmen book, and limited edition sunglasses, a keyring/torch thing and best of all the cool watch I posted up a pic of.

Collecting the swag at the Bristol Con, so if you see me in the day I'll be waving the watch around, and if you see me in the night I'll be crawling drunkenly on the bar floor trying to find where I dropped it

They are running another one at the moment to win some really cool Atomic Robo trades. Go over and check it out.

Latest on the writing thing

Yeah, you can skip this one. Know people just like it when I'm growling at shit :)

Anyway, got another story for Damaged Goods finished which was the first that had serious editorial input, which to be honest made it 100% better. Can't wait to see it get drawn up now as I managed to write in a couple of cool hero shots. Well, I say hero shots. Just some cool images which hopefully Mark will have fun with and freak everyone out.
Rattled off another 13 pager yesterday as well. Not sure if the rest of the team will dig it as its a bit of a change of pace from the other stuff as I was thinking about what would work in a collection and how to stop it being repetitive which is a concern when all the stories are coming from the same source. Yeah, a girl is raped, two people are brutally killed and a third drowns in shit, but it's still more of a slow one ;)
Got sent a pic of the ashcans they'll be giving out at Bristol too. Should be fun.

Got my first new Baby Boomers page in AGES emailed this morning. Chad has been busy with other projects and it shows... his art is just so much better on every new strip. I've posted the pencils, so I hope Chad doesnt mind. Really nice looking and cant wait to see the next page. If you've read any of the other Baby Boomers you can probably guess whats coming next.

I also have a pitch in for a full graphic novel which will be my first stab at doing something outside the short story format. The idea has gone in and gotten accepted in principle but I now need to submit pretty much a full plot breakdown which is all new to me. Luckily the editor is being all kinds of cool and holding my hand through the whole process so if nothing else it'll be an awesome learning experience. Plus its cool to say I had a go, y'know?

And LASTLY, I had the coolest thing last week. I got a story in the Layer Zero anthology book "Choices" which I got a buzz off coz it's put my name into Amazon as a result. Anyway, there is another volume in the works and when I made noises about possibly getting a story in that I was told not to worry, they'd already saved me a slot. Need to work on my cool ass reactions for shit like this. A bit more "Of course you have" and a bit less "Really? Me? Why?"
Anyway, been paired up with Dean Stahl so trying to come up with a cool 8 pager for him. Did write one story but it was a bit wordy and probably not much fun for him to draw, so binned that. Hopefully can come up with something suitable this week.

Ok, thats enough of me bullshitting about my fucking self. Next time I'll be tearing shit apart, I promise!

Surely... its in the fucking job description

So there are 5 families in the UK who have just announced they are suing the government.

Know why?

Because thier sons, who were all in the army, had their helicopter shot down in Iraq. Not by "friendly fire"... by THE FUCKING ENEMY!!
They argue that there was a recommendation to fit a foam surpression system around the fuel tanks and if this had been done, their helicopter wouldnt have exploded.

Now if they had been sat in the helicopter in a training facility in the uk and the thing just fucking exploded, I could kinda see their point. But if it exploded because it was fucking shot in battle then they can piss off! I mean, you cant guarantee safety against bullet fire... thats the fucking point of bullets.

They are basically saying "My son volunteered for the army, went into battle, and got killed... we didnt agree to that! We just said he could do the training and look nice in the uniform."

Its the same as all these protests along the lines of "Bring my boy home!". You sign up for the army and this is what happens. You dont want to be sent to foreign countries where people want to shoot at you, get a fucking desk job. I'm sure 99% of the forces cringe like fuck when stuff like this happens as it makes them out to be crap. "Ooohh.... he shot at me, I dont LIKE it!". See? Thats not the army. "Try that again and I'll ram this fucking tank up your arse" ... THATS the army.

Some Random beer fuelled shit

Samantha Ronson
Um... why the fuck did Lindsay Lohan do her? I mean, if she decided girls were hotter than guys (and I dont know why ALL women havent figured this out yet) then fair enough, but she is a fucking pig! Really, Im not saying Lohan is worlds of hot... tho she is a redhead... but she could really do better than that. Fuck, there are straight supermodels out there who would chomp her tuna for the magazine coverage alone. If Rod Stewart can get models to fuck him for a bit of publicity then Im pretty sure she can.
On the plus side though, it is cool knowing that if Lohan is one then there ARE cute lesbians out there. Granted my limited knowledge is based on one of the wifes old flatmates and the girls she would bring home and hang out with, but it aint like the internet trust me. The closest they came to being lipstick lesbians was using it to write "FUCK YOU PIGS" on their dungarees. Seriously, on paper it was awesome, especially as they had crazy loud sex. Seeing the monsters roll out in the morning was a total let down and as a shallow guy I demand MORE goddamnit! Where are the hot lesbians?


My Wolverine Conspiracy Theory

Ok.... work with me on this one....

Fox had Wolverine coming up. The internet and media buzz on it was pretty bad due to all the dodgy reports coming out from the set about studio interference and bad script decisions etc etc.

They have a 95% finished version but decide to spend money on damage control and reshoot a hell of a lot of the film including, apparently, most of the ending.

So what do they do? They leak the "bad" version which would otherwise have been canned.

What does this do? Well it gets a lot of word of mouth out about the movie, most of which is tagged with a "But I hear they have fixed the stuff I didnt like" so even the sneaky reviews that are bad have a semi-positive spin. It has also made their movie release a news story with press coverage you couldnt buy.

But mainly, this is their sacrificial lamb. The example of internet theft they use to push new legislation through cracking down on online piracy. The one bad thing they let happen, if not pushed to happen, to sway public opinion enough to get through rulings which would restrict certain freedoms which although dodgy in nature are always defended. Like how people make out the US let Pearl Harbour happen to fire up public opinion.

Doctor Who is GAY!
So like I mentioned before, I saw the Easter Special. Michelle Ryan plays his sidekick in this one. She kissed him, she says "Let me come with you in your Tardis" and he says no!
Argument over, the Doctor loves the cock... because she was hotttttt!
And you might think I'm overdoing this but after three years of the wife dry humping the tv for David Tennant and the occasional John Barrowman guest slot its nice that they finally did an episode with a girl I fancied! Dont like blondes or women with duck mouths, so no thanks to Billie Piper (tho she was a bit sexy when I saw her in real life) , I like my girls Dita von Teese pale, so Freema Agyeman wasnt doing it for me. And as I have had sex in the last 50 years it was also a no to Catherine Tate. So yeah, about time we had some hot chicks on there.

The Spirit
I saw this movie. I think I am now legally allowed to kill Sam Jackson and Scarlett Johansson. Everything I have ever said about his one note performances and her general lack of talent came through in this fucking abortion of a movie. Just horrible.

Somewhere in London.....

You know what that is? The "Somewhere in London....." line? Thats what the guy on BBC Wales said just before the BBC Wales produced Doctor Who special started tonight. Then we cut to the museum in Cardiff, followed by a foot chase down St Mary's street in Cardiff, and then a bus chase through the road leading to Cardiff Bay.

Now again... Im not saying they should say "This is in Cardiff" just because thats where its filmed.
I AM fucking saying that because every cunt with a tv in ALL OF BRITAIN has to pay to have this stuff made, it might be nice if JUST FUCKING ONCE you set one somewhere other than fucking London where half the population are too busy watching satellite television from their own country to actually watch the BBC.

If the story NEEDS a London location, fair enough. But if, like this one, its just a generic start and end before a zap off to an alien planet, why dont you say "I know... lets set this one in Bristol? All we need is a museum and a bus. They have them there". Give some little kid somewhere else in the coutry the chance to go "Cool! Doctor Who has come to my town"

Pisses me right the fuck off.

Michelle Ryan was fucking hot though, and Lee Evans was a million times funnier than in his last stand up dvd

Damaged Good preview and me and Iz score a cameo!

So the cool guys at Insomnia have put up the first completed story from mine and Mark's Damaged Goods book up on the net. You seen it yet? If not go give it a click, its FREE! And its as calm, friendly and well adjusted as you would expect from reading any of my shit.

Will this link work? Um....


yeah, cool... looks like. Anyway, go check it out, let us know what you think.
Working on another story for it at the moment... on a second draft after getting some VERY cool pointers from our editor (but dont tell her I said that) so hope to get that finished tomorrow. Should be fun when its done. Came up with some cool as fuck images for Mark to creep evertyone out with.

And the other thing. Me and Iz both big fans of The Uniques comic. Got the first trade off Indyplanet and absolutely loved it. Really cool, tight story and beautiful art.
Anwyay, they offered to draw us in for a cameo on the second trade and they just posted up the page. Really cool stuff, even if I havent been that thin since I was 20 :(
Can't wait till the second trade gets released now so we can snap that up

All aboard the Bhangra Bus!

So I said I went to London for the weekend, yeah?
As we are a bit skint we got the bus up, not the train which was all cool enough till the trip back.

We got on the National Express coach, all fine. And then the driver started his engine to leave, and also put on his music. Now this is a bit odd... usually on these coaches the driver gives you the spiel about consideration to others with regards ipods etc and if he does have a radio on you'd struggle to hear it in the front seat. Not our lovely Indian driver.
I was about 5 rows back, and the volume to me, on a moving coach, was about the same as the volume I'd have the television on. For him it must have been on "Im in the car alone and I dont want to hear myself as I sing along" volume. And it was BAAAAAD shit too.
Im not gonna pretend to like any Indian music, even roll my eyes when George Harrison whips out the sitar on a Beatles album, but this was the stuff that sounds like 4 old men being tortured while two other cunts accompany them on a kazoo and a triangle. Just fucking horrible. And he only had the one 60 minute cd... and it was a three and a half hour journey... so he looped it.

But that wasnt the most fucked up bit. What was, was that I noticed we were doing sudden swerves every 10-15 minutes. So being in an aisle I was checking the driver out in his rear view mirror and realised every now and then he had a Turban Procedure (tm).
This would involve patting the sides, patting the back, patting the sides again. A double tap on the front. Then a full slide from the back TO the front.

All this two handed

All while driving a bus full of people at 70 mph.... without any hands on the wheel

All ending in a "Oh dear, I have now drifted into the other lane" swerve.

Fun stuff. Luckily I had a cool book with me so kinda lost myself in that and tuned his shit out. Iz slept through most of it but I couldnt do that coz with the background "music" playing Im pretty sure I woulda had nightmares about that fucker from Temple of Doom coming to rip my heart out with a bit of KHALI-MAAARRR!

Battle for the Cowl - another dumb comic strip

Terry Wogan rocks

London, Reviews and going legit!

So I went to London last weekend. Did I mention I fucking hate London? I did? Ok then.

I love going coz I get to hang out with my sis and bro-in-law and check out the neice and nephew, but London as a place... does my head in. You get the two ends of attitude. There's the "Im from Laaahndaan, Im fucking hard!" bullshit. Or the "I live in London, arent I terribly superior" variant. Plus seeing as its the capital of the country, no fucker speaks english. But then only about 10% of the people in Cardiff can speak Welsh, so I shouldn't complain I suppose.

One fun thing though. We went to one of the HUGE parks. Iz was chuffed coz the singer from Feeder was there taking his kid for a walk. But we went to this outdoor cafe thing for lunch. The waiter turned up with the usual "I hate you all" expression and asked what we wanted, so I ordered my food and said "And can I get a coke?". This changed his expression from one of bored contempt to out and out disgust
"Coke? We dont DO coke. We do organic cola"
Luckily this made my sister in law, who loves taking the piss out of my reverse snobbery, burst out laughing so it was all cool. Still though... fucking ponce. Tasted like the worst kind of "10 cans for a quid" watered down piss and only cost me £1.50!

Reviews!
I sent out a few pdf copies of Caretakers Tales and so far its been reviewed on two podcasts.

Comic News Insider gave it a cool one, though followed up the review of that with one of an Alan Moore book, which kinda kicks our stuff down a bit. Still, cool stuff and glad they liked it

The Sidekick Cast have also reviewed it on their latest episode. Not had the chance to listen yet so hopefully they didnt think it was a bucket of wank.

And going Legit!
Got an email through this weekend saying Damaged Goods has been given an ISBN book number. This means it'll turn up on Amazon and places like that which is all kinds of cool. All I gotta do now is finish writing the fucking thing :)

Random crap

Cinema Experts
So yesterday I spend a really fucking fun hour or so trying to book tickets online to go and see Wolverine. Each time it would get right to the end of a long process and bomb me out. So I tried the phone line, but of the 50000 options I was given by the annoyingly upbeat robot voice, they unfortunately ommitted the "Press 6 to speak to some cunt".
But, being the sad comic and movie nerd I am, I was still intent on going to the first advance showing, so went into the cinema to book the tickets in person. So I go to the nice girl with the rabbit in the headlights expression, ask her for 2 Wolverine tickets and she sorts them out for me. And I get them. And I look at them. And they both say "X-Men 4".
This is a major national cinema chain, and they cant even get the title of one of this years big summer blockbusters right. Bit of a fuck up really. But being the lovely bastard I am, I have emailed them to let them know this. Of course now they will probably correct it and on the night I'll be the only fucker with wrongly labelled tickets and wont get in :(

On a related note though, the movie has leaked onto the net! Bit crazy that you can download it almost a month before its cinema release. Hopefully this wont affect the box office too badly as every time a comic movie does well, another one gets greenlit and my inner nerd needs to see more. I need my megan fox wonder woman movie goddamnit!!



Indian Tech Support
Just as I had to go through it all again yesterday. This isn't a racist thing, but if you have a complicated technical problem to explain to someone over the phone the last fucking thing you need is a language barrier to go with it. For low level stuff, ok, maybe you can get away with it. But when I phone Dell technical I am already past the "Have you checked its plugged in" stage. Having to say variations on the same sentence 10 times till you alight on some words they actually fucking know is a real pain in the arse. And hell, I have a Welsh accent, its probably hard for them to understand me... SO EMPLOY PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY WHO CAN!
I really am one of those people now who in my personal life will always go for the companies who very carefully let you know their call centers are in the UK.

We need those big yellow buses!
You know how people are always bitching about too many cars on the road and pollution and all that crap? And how the government keep trying to push congestion charges or "You already pay us road tax, but give us more you dumb pricks... we'll pretend its for the environment".
Well instead of that, how about one of those big yellow buses like you see on American tv that picks up kids for school in the morning? That way the road wont be filled with retarded housewives driving HUGE fucking 4 wheel drive trucks for the 10 minute trip to school each day.
Takes me on average 50 minutes to get to work in the mornings. On school holidays it takes me 30. Why not get them off the fucking road? Hell, CHARGE them. Say a fiver a week to have their little angels dropped off at the door. You'd lose at least a quarter of the rush hour traffic which would save millions on road wear and tear.
Oh, but hang on... thats a fucking sensible idea. Never mind.


Oh, and for no other reason than I FUCKING LOVE THIS SONG AND VIDEO....