This weeks Yahoo news riff-age

Manchester Utd fan stabbed in Rome
This isnt funny... not in the slightest. Somewhere in London this poor guys family are probably worried sick. You're waiting for me to say something like this is a good start arent you? Well Im not gonna.
....as if just one would be a good start ;)

Demi trip to cheer Talent's Susan
So an actress who hasnt had a hit movie in about 15 years and is really more famous for being the ex of Bruce Willis is coming over to cheer on a fucking nobody the nation has taken to their hearts purely based on the fact she is fucking ugly. I can see why this is important and can only hope and pray they manage to get a shot of her in the crowd when she goes as that would be truly magical. Cunts.
Kinda like Lilly Allen for having the balls to say its all shit... and for giving me an excuse to post a pic of her as she's kinda cute at the moment.
Allen slams Susan Boyle
It sums up the fucking British though doesnt it. We love nothing more than a loser who does good, or hell... a loser who "gives it their best". What was that runner who packed in the marathon after a mile or so and we made her into a saint for giving it the good old british try?
This is why America fucking owns us now. They know to call a loser a fucking loser. Its not the taking part, its the stepping over your crippled opposition, possibly pausing to piss on them.

Mother 'in freezer for 20 years'
How do you keep a dead body for 20 years? I need to see a picture of this. I at least wanna see the freezer coz we struggle to fit a weeks worth of shopping in ours let alone a fucking corpse. I also wanna know if she just used the freezer for that or if she stacked fishfingers on top of her as well. Maybe used a banana and some tangerines to give her a smiley snowman face or something

Katie's ex arrested after car crash
Struggling to fill the news on a day without an all important Katie Price update (yesterdays was her cancelling a chat show!!!) the news have luckily found out someone who used to fuck her a few years back has been done for drink driving. We dont know what she thinks of this yet, but Im sure once someone coughs up the required 20 grand we will get her educated insights.
Seriously... there must be some obsessive nutjob out there who "loves her" and can only show her this by cutting off her head and fucking her corpse? Someone? Anyone? please?

Tony FUCKING Curtis

So let me paint the scene of where we were....
It was the Hay Festival, and if you dont know of Hay on Wye it's pretty much the book captial of the world. Damn near every shop is a huge labyrinthine book shop full of musty old books and rolled up maps and magazines from the 50's. All very cool but it does obviously attract a certain pretentious type, as does the festival. Dont mind the old fuckers so much, more the horse and hounds crew all there buying fair trade coffee and being very right on. There was a kids bit and you know if you went in and shouted "TARQUIN" at least three of the little fuckers woulda run over.
Lots of people with sweaters draped over their shoulders, knee length trousers and "Look what we imported from the third world... to make a difference" black babies.
I found a place selling burgers, but they were venison burgers and I couldnt get a coke anywhere, but there were lots of natural fruit stalls. You know the kind of thing. You just want to punch everyone.

ANYWAY, the reason we went was because Iz got me tickets for an audience with Tony Curtis. Basically us in a HUGE marquee thing while he was interviewed on stage. So he came on, was all kinds of cool and funny, but the best bit was when he told a story about Joan Collins which culminated with him turning to her and saying "Can you stop being such a cunt"

The two seconds of silence after that were PRICELESS. I was pissing myself, as were a lot of the evil old ladies there, but you could feel the "How dare he.. in front of the children!" going on.
Then he even carried on with her going to the director "He called me a cunt" "Well she was a cunt" etc etc. Just genius, the man is a fucking legend. Funny as hell.

We got in the queue later to get a book signed by him and Iz wanted it signed to "Iz" which confused everyone a bit as they hadnt seen Izobel shortened like that before. He was very cool though but said "Is this your name? Izzy? Eye-zie? What do I call you" to which Iz came back with "Whatever you like" and I said "Just dont write it as Easy" which made him laugh! I made Tony Curtis laugh! Yeah, I know its sad to get such a buzz off it, but I grew up watching his stuff so to hear his distinctive laugh and know it was because of me was kinda cool. He did come back with "Well if she is, good for you!".
And he kissed Iz's hand which totally freaked her out (in a good way). Actually he was being a smooth old bastard with all the ladies which was fun to watch. He totally lived up to the hype and just owned the place. Top guy.
Watching Some Like it Hot will never be the same again. I shook hands with a totally cool motherfucker who has nailed Marilyn Monroe.

A Facebook and self promotion bitch

Firstly I gotta say I love facebook now as it lets you ignore people without deleting them, which I have now probably done to half the contacts I have on there. But despite that, lets bitch about it anyway.

FUCKING TWITTER LINKS. Still pissing me off. So many people linked their Twitter to facebook and its not so much the constant "I am on the bus" "I am walking to work from the bus stop" shit. Its the pathetic attempts to get reactions from famous people of varying levels. I've sussed that if you "befreind" a celeb on twitter and then comment about them with an @ sign, there is a chance they will see it. So all I see now are postst like
I just read Captain Britain by @paulcornell and @leonardkirk then listened to the new @britneyspears record and watched @meganfox and @shialebouf in #Transformers
Seriously, FUCK OFF.

But like I said, Facebook is cool and you can go through your feed and anyone obviously fucking tweeting you can hide.

And self promotion? Well I have comics coming out. I know you have to do the odd bit of promotion and I dont mind that. I actually like it when people tell me they have stuff to check out, especially if its people I know and talk to outside of facebook "press releases".
What does piss me off though are people with podcasts and shit posting updates and posts on forums like "I just saw Star Trek... to find out what I thought about it download my podcast here".
You know what? I dont fucking care what you thought about it that much. You are a fucking nobody with a podcast, your opinion isnt that fucking vital to me. Tell me you got William Shatner on there saying what he thinks, Im interested. Your opinion matters about as much to me as any other fucker I was in the cinema with when I watched it.
Not saying people shouldnt review shit like that. I listen to half a dozen podcasts anyway, I'd expect them to review it and as a listener Im interested in what they think. But expecting to get people to suddenly listen to your shit because you saw the same movie they did at the same fucking time is just stupid. You get into a press thing and see it early - thats interesting. You see it a week after I do then post a podcast a few days after that... who gives a fucking shit?

And if you are wondering why the Megan Fox picture... then you are female or gay.

Ripping on some Yahoo "news" headlines

Holiday hotspots driving HIV spread
Ok.... Im not saying AIDS is a good thing on any level. Ok? Buuuuut... have you seen the fuckers who go to these places? Especially the UK morons? Would we really miss them? Really?
Just saying is all. I've been abroad and seen the "Here we go, here we go" brigade and you do kinda wish something would come and wipe them all out. Always think when they show raves in Ibiza its kind of a waste not to lock the doors and torch the place. Could just be me though, you might love drunken idiots starting fights because they cant find anything to fuck.

Prison 'failing' disabled inmates
Ahhhh, you mean if you are in a wheelchair in prison you dont get proper care? GOOD. Maybe its so, oh I dunno, make people thing its a bad place to go so they dont want to go back when they get out!

No more tears over split - Price
Big surprise. Jordan who whored out her wedding and the birth of her kids has also done so with her divorce. And is that really a fucking NEWS headline? That she has decided not to cry about the divorce any more? Still pisses me off you get cunts like this bitch working the media who keep lapping it up to sell on to morons. Its Wednesday, I guarantee within a week there will be a new revelation as she keeps the story going and the cheques for the exclusive reveals coming in. You know, Im not really pissed with her. Shes fucking clever and is just working the machine. Its the fact there is a demand for this shit that really bugs me. You shoot her in the head the media would bump up someone else to take her place within minutes.

Duping morons

Saw two adverts just now, one after the other, both fucking stupid. Well, actually they were clever but designed to fool stupid people

First one was for the Army. Over and above the whole concept of advertising the army, this one basically was selling the army as the coolest first person shooter game you could get. Seriously, the whole thing was done like a cool game, viewed through sniper rifle sights etc.
Of course they dont mention the lack of a fucking reset button on this game, but it does kinda worry me they are using this angle to recruit.

Second one was about the fucking science of shaving. Gillette or someone trying to make fucking razorblades sound like sportscars or something. Lots of flashy graphics, animations to show you... well a razor cutting a hair basically, and of course ending with the hot chick who will doubtless fuck you senseless if you can make your face as smooth as a fucking five year olds. I mean, do people buy into this shit? All this "Mach 7 laser fusion robo stealth" rubbish? Actually, yeah, they probably do... pricks. I use a disposable razors from the supermarket. The science is really clever... the sharp end cuts the hairs on my face.

Oh, and the Redbull adverts. The "..gives you wings" ones.. they make me want to kill you. Please stop playing them. Or at least be honest and say "Red Bull will stop you passing out when you are drugged off your fucking tits".

Shit I gotta get done

Ahhh... the hectic life of the lazy ass amateur comic monkey. Anyway, to do list

1) Snow - Need to get the first 30 pages in a good enough shape for them to show to artists. It was apparently mentioned to one or two at the Bristol Con last weekend (which I will blog about in the next day or two) but now they'll wanna see a script.

2) Damaged Goods - I'm a fair bit ahead of the art on this, but still worried Mark will have a crazy spurt and I'll suddenly leave him waiting for more. Got a few cool ideas but nothing written down yet.

3) Strontium Dog - That crazy Oirish fucker Flintlockjaw wants us to get a story into Zarjaz magazine so he's asked me to write him a Stront story. Kinda hard as I love the old stuff so much everything I think of doesnt seem cool enough. Really want to do it though so will try and get it done this weekend.

4) The Gentleman and the Cad. This started as a drunken Skype bullshit session with Barry Nugent author of Fallen Heroes, and after an in person and even drunker-er (hey, its a good fucking work) session at Bristol I think I got him excited at the idea. We're bouncing ideas now. Think it'll be a co-story deal. Then I'll comic it up and he can come in and fix the dialogue at the end.... or something. Dunno. Fun stuff to do with a mate though

5) And talking of stuff with mates... MarcusQ sent me a short story idea this week so I really wanna push the fucker to get it done. Not just coz he is a bud either, its a cool story. Hmmmm.... and it would possibly fit in the next Insomnia anthology book too.......
I also kinda wanna have a go at illustrating it with photo manips, just coz its a laugh to do.

Fucking Barclays Bank and a quick bitch about the news

So my pc at home is way old now and seriously struggling with all the crap I wanna do with it.
The wife however only has her laptop and mine would be a major step up, so we decided I get a new one, she gets my old one, everyone is happy. Paid for it on my credit card last night, job done.

So this morning I ring Barclays to say "Hello, I just made a big payment on my Barclays credit card, I wish to increase the £20 a month standing order I had from my Barclays bank account up to £100"

All cool right? Same fucking company, couldnt be easier? Actually it couldnt be more difficult.

Rang up and they asked for my 6 digit phone banking pass. I didnt know I had one. So they say they need to ask me 20 questions for security. No problems, they do, I answer I get a "hello Mr McAuliffe, how can we help?"
We start the ball rolling, they check my account, tell me personal details about it, then say they cannot increase this payment as I didnt give them the code at the start. I have to ring back in a week once this code has been posted out to me.
They do however say if I want they can set up a loan to pay this off!

So their security stops me paying money IN, something no fraudster would do. But it does let me arrange a fucking loan which would get me in more shit.
Bunch of cunts

And talking of bunches of cunts, why is Jordan and Peter Andres divorce in the fucking news? Celebrity bullshit news for retards, yeah. In the REAL news section of news sites though? Fuck off.
Seriously she gets her kit off enough that she must have loads of fucked up stalkers. Cant one of them get on and skin her or something?

I still hate everybody

So last night we went to the cinema to see Star Trek. You seen it? Go see it. It rocks.
But again, there was the usual joy in the cinema of the constant sound of motherfuckers rustling oversize bags of sweets through the entire thing. JUST FUCKING DIE ALREADY.

Seriously, why do people find it impossible to sit through a 2 hour movie without eating through the entire thing?
We went to see Wolverine last week and in front of us was this dumb blonde bitch with a huge box of nachos. All through the adverts and trailers she just sat there... well, she sat there texting some fucker. And her boyfriend said "Arent you going to eat those?" and she came back with "No... they are for the MOVIE!"
So the second the film started... CRUNCH. RUSTLE. CRUNCH. etc etc

I dont get it. Am I the only one who goes to the cinema to see the movie? Everyone else seems to be about the whole "I must have my popcorn and sweets and big bottle of coke that'll make me need to get up and piss 20 times during the film". On the plus side the mobile phone use seems to have died down a bit and the pricks have realised that texting on a lit phone in a dark cinema also is a "PLEASE KILL ME" advert, but the food thing still pisses me off. And worse, it makes the cinema too much money for it to ever go away.

I think I need to start putting razorblades in random popcorn boxes. Get a bit of paranoia going

The pregnancy pass

So the big story at the moment is about a British woman who was stopped at a Laos airport and caught smuggling 50% over the amount of heroin for which you get the automatic death penalty.
The big deal though is apparently she is pregnant so of course now its just sad, and tragic, and why isnt the UK government doing more to help her and all that shit.
The Laos lot are saying the law bans the execution of pregnant prisoners, but strangely even though she has been imprisoned since August last year, she is just 5 months pregnant. So what has obviously happened is she has fucked for a pass. The bleeding hearts are now saying "Oh, the poor girl probably got raped" but I'd bet she was informed of the loophole and has just fucked anyone who is vaguely interested hoping to get knocked up.

Now Im not gonna say they should still shoot her and let the baby die as well. But you know... the day AFTER she has it would be fair enough. I mean, if it was me I'd be one dead fucker... why should a girl get special treatment? And dont they know this just means you will have women getting pregnant then doing these little drug runs under the protection of their condition, then just get abortions when they are safely home. Its like a little bullet proof vest.

Maybe Im being too harsh. ;)

Quick story tho, dunno if I said before.
Went to New York the year before last. Did the Empire State thing. Big old windy queues to get up to the top and there was this little black security woman who looked like she stepped straight out of a movie. All "dont fuck with me" attitute but cool with it.
There was a seperate path at the side for disabled people to jump the queue, and this guy walked up there with his pregnant wife. The security woman just looked at them and went "Where do you think you are going" to which the woman did the "But Im PREGNANT" in the way the fucking annoying ones do to get special treatment. Security woman just looked her in the eye and said "Pregnant aint disabled. GET TO THE BACK OF THE LINE!"
Fucking awesome

Snow - My next graphic novel from Insomnia

So as Insomnia have put together a promo release for this I can start to bore you all about it.
No art yet... they havent even assigned an artist. And no script either!
That said I did have to submit a lot of detail as to the story content and characters etc, so this isnt like the old Image comics thing where they would release a blurb then if orders were good, actually then go and think "Ok, so what should it be about?"

Got the full story in my head and lots of scribbled notes about cool moments I want to put in and odd scraps of dialogue. Ideally want to get stuck in properly this week so that I have a good 15-20 pages to give them at the Bristol Con so they know I'm serious. Luckily I am far enough ahead script-wise on Damaged Goods that I can put that on the back burner for a week or two.

Anyway, here is the very cool blurb they put together for it....

Snow: Reflections on Desire and Depravity

“…a daughter of the coven will be her undoing.”

Once upon a time there was a land bound by winter, a land where bloodstains of the deepest scarlet and ravens' feathers, of the blackest ebony, are fallen on snow of the purest white. Oh, you think you’ve heard this story before, somewhere? So how come the mirrors in the castle are refusing reflections? What is that howling noise out there in the darkness? Who has commanded the release of the Seven? And why is the Queen so disturbed?

Snow is a dark and witty exploration of decadence challenged by duty. Building on a subversive deconstruction of classic themes, it’s a sensuous and disturbing story that rips the meat from the bones of what you know, right down to the last bloody scraps.

Everything comes back to 2000AD... apparently

So yeah, after threatening to do it for ages, Flint finally got around to recording his 2000AD podcast... and I got roped in as episode one co-host.
In it we basically bullshit a lot while going over the very first two issues of 2000AD and the latest one which at the time of recording was 1631.
Due to his co-host for the second one having to pull out I'm also on there which does issues 3 and 1632-33. Was a laugh to do, even though listening back I can really hear the alcohol kicking in towards the end.

Anyway, you can get the first episode here. Second should be up in the next day or two and can also be got by either checking Geek Syndicate on itunes or their website. I was surprised how well its been received actually. Did think the guys on the 2000AD boards would tear us apart, but luckily due to my being very open about the fact I'm an old school 2000AD fan coming back in and as such am a little lost, they are cutting us a lot of slack.

Flint also is blogging the early issues as he goes through them so if you are a hardcore fan you can check that out on his website.