Bluemeanie's bullshit

Blog ressurection

2010-05-10T12:10:00.002+01:00

Fuck, I havent done this in almost 3 months! Anyway

Van stuff
Firstly the same one as ever. I do the 2 minute walk to the van (no sandwiches today). Come back, everyone looks at me with their best Walt Disney puppy eyes and say "You didnt say you were going, I would have had something..."
WELL WALK OVER THERE THEN. YOU CAN SEE IT FROM THE FUCKING WINDOW YOU SPASTIC.
But when I was over there there were a five guys from the local industrial estate obviously looking to impress by picking up burgers with their newly aquired opposable thumbs. Anyway they were having a conversation about the previous friday night which due to the fact they were bellowing I couldnt help but overhear. The gist... jist.. whatever of it was that the five of them had gone to the pub together straight from work and at about 11 had headed off on their seperate ways. Some had gone home, some had gone to different clubs to meet people. But weirdly ALL had pulled some "really fit bird" once they had. They all had their variation on "Well I was on the bus going home and there was this REALLY FIT BIRD so I thought fuck it and chatted her up and she came back to my place".
And after each little story the other four would do lots of "NICE ONE!" type back slapping. And I'm thinking... are any of them actually dumb enough to beleive it or is it some mutual "I'll pretend yours is real if you pretend mine is" thing? You know, maybe one of them did score some monster chick who is bored of working at Lidls and wants some easy child support money, but all five of them? Coincidentally when none of the others were there to see it?

Not done a news riff in a while

2010-02-17T08:47:00.004Z

Pope condemns child abuse as 'heinous crime'

So the pope has gone on record that child abuse isnt a good thing? Wow. I'm now eagerly awaiting the "Water is Wet" revelation. I suppose part of me thinks it's good they are at least not denying this shit goes on any more but its not like they could really keep on pretending is it?

This was my fave bit:
The weakening of faith has also been a "significant contributing factor" in the sexual abuse of minors, the pope said
Really? Beause it seems to me that had these kids faith been weakened they would probably have been at home playing X-Box, not hanging out with old men in dresses and buying into whatever "God doesnt mind" bullshit they were getting fed.

City stockbroker jumped to his death from restaurant roof after fearing he would lose his job over prank message

Yeah, I'm kinda stuggling to give even the slightest shit about this. The line that he just bought a 300 grand place in Spain doesnt exactly help you think "Ahhh, love him!". Not exactly like he was going to be struggling to survive through his suspension is it? Fucker had cash in the bank.

That said though, he got suspended for posting "Im hot, I'm hot" on a clients website? Not exactly hardcore is it?

His mums reaction to his suicide is mental though :
'The efficiency of his actions, their style and precision, were all very typical of Anjool.' Who the fuck says that? Its like "Yeah, he jumped out of a window and splattered his brains all over the floor, but he was wearing a nice ironed shirt at the time". Fucking crazy

Oasis at the Brits
Ok, firstly..... Whats the story Morning Glory... best UK album of the last 30 years? FUCK OFF.
Thats just bullshit. Now while I think the Oasis brothers are both prize cunts to the point where its hard to listen to their shit WITHOUT them spoiling it, I will admit it was a good album. But best since 1980? No fucking way. Radiohead pisses all over them, as do dozens of other bands.
And on Gallagher himself. This is again a sad fuckers attempt to look edgy. He's like one of those 11 year olds who calls his mum a bitch in front of his friends thinking it makes him look hard. Pathetic.

Cheryl Cole is a fucking moron
Ok, no need for a link here, the story is everywhere.
My problem with this is actually a moral one... weird I know.
Ok - this girl is famous. And more than that, she is seen as a role model to loads of young girls around the country. And what message is she sending? "If your husband fucks around on you, its ok, just say you love him and it'll all be fine".
She let him off the once, if she does it again she wants a fucking slap. Its not even as if she is in the unfortunate position many women find themselves in of being with a cunt but trapped financially. She is worth a fortune. Its fair enough if she wants to be a pathetic doormat, but while she is being held up as a barbie doll girls can aspire to she should think about how this looks to them. Grow a fucking spine.

And to end - a gratuitous picture of her. Yeah its a bit much after ripping into her, but it if she's apparently cool with her own husband disrepecting her Im sure she wont mind if I do as well.

Review : American Born Chinese

2010-02-12T21:39:00.004Z

Wanna know why it took me so long to read this book? Fun Home. You heard of Fun Home? It's a graphic novel written by Alison Bechdel about her life as a child and growing up different (she's a lesbian) and the lessons she learnt along the way. It won loads of awards like American Born Chinese, is respected like American Born Chinese, is a book people say you "should" read like American Born Chinese.. oh, and it sucked. I fucking hated it. Boring, pretentious and with a main character (the writer) you just wanted to punch the whole time.

So while there was no real reason to lump the two together I'd always hesitated to read this book thinking I'd be in for the same ride. Luckily while on a drunken weekend staying on a friend's houseboat I was sold on the concept, mainly by "Mate, its got frigging MONKEY IN IT!" and picked myself up a copy.

So what's it about? Well you have three stories going on. The first is the tale of Monkey - the Great Sage Equal of Heaven. Or to anyone who grew up in the 70's, the cool guy who flew around on a cloud and beat people up with a stick in the awesome Monkey Magic tv show. The second is the story of Jin Wang, a young boy born in San Francisco to Chinese parents who moves to a new city and school where he is the only Chinese boy in the class. And the third is about Danny, an American boy who'se life is thrown into turmoil by the visit of his bumbling and obnoxious cousin Chin-Kee. Yeah... you read that right. Chin-Kee. Complete with buck teeth and "Me rike vely much" speech.

I dont want to go into the story too much as I'd hate to spoil any of the "Oh... wow... I get it now" moments this book has but Monkeys story is one of accepting who you are, Jin's is one of striving for acceptance, and Danny's is one of.... well, I'd better not say. Its all good stuff though. Danny's story is particularly cleverly done, playing the horribly racist stereotype of Chin-Kee as if it's all a sitcom from back in the days where "A black family moved in next door!" was seen as a perfectly acceptable premise for a comedy show.

I hate to say this, but you SHOULD read this book. You'll enjoy it and will come out the other end with a slightly better understanding of how life can be for other people who have to deal with shit that you take for granted. I have ZERO empathy for people, but even I got what it was like for Jin trying to fit in with people who could only see his race and wanted to limit his options because of this.

Powerful stuff but enjoyable as well. At no point do you feel preached to and at no point does the message get in the way of the story. Go check it out. And for anyone who listens to Sidekick Cast , I WILL be forcing this book onto Gav for a "Dig this" review.

The Wolfman - Review

2010-02-11T12:46:00.002Z

So after over a year in limbo The Wolfman finally gets let loose. Was it worth the wait?
Well it all depends really.

You see I'm a big fan of the old Universal horror movies. I grew up watching them, have all the box sets and during the entire time I was watching this film I could see the love the creators also had for the hirsute adventures of Lon Chaney Junior.

All the boxes are ticked, the crazy gypsy woman, the son returning to his distant father in his mansion, the angry mob and of course lots of fog. Also the wolfman himself is a throwback to these films and is obviously strongly based on the original Jack Peirce makeup. This is no 7ft tall beast with a fully snouted wolf head as has become the norm in modern times, this is a guy in wolfman makeup complete with trousers still intact and the open to the waist white shirt. So while this appealed to my nostalgia buff and impressed me with its ability to sit with the originals, I could imagine modern audiences feeling a little underwhelmed after the monsterous beasts of Van Helsing and Dog Soldiers.

The story itself sees Benicio Del Toro, as Lawrence Talbot, return to his childhood home to investigate the disappearance of his brother. Once there the search quickly turns to a hunt for his brothers killer and before too long old Larry is attacked by the creature and starts to feel the moons pull. Throw in Anthony Hopkins as his eccentric father, Emily Blunt as his dead brothers fiancee (who manages to struggle through her grief enough to fall for Larry before his bro is even cold) and Hugo Weaving as the big city inspector sent to cut through the locals superstition and you have all the makings of a good old black and white horror movie. And again, this is kind of what you get but with some impressive werewolf transformations and some pretty cool blood and guts considering the movie is a 15 certificate. This isnt a movie that will really scare anyone used to modern horror movies though. Yeah, there are a few jumps, more than a few of which are a bit cheap, but as the wolfman is the star of the show, more often than not you are with him, not the oncoming victims, so lose the "where is it now?" suspense. That said, the initial attack where Lawrence gets his all important bite is a rocking bit of horror entertainment.

There is a twist to the original tale which is pretty heavily signposted and while making for a fun ending did feel a little hokey but not to the point where its offputting or annoying. Its more of a "Oh, ok... I can see how thats cool, I'll run with it" thing.

Overall an enjoyable movie, if nothing too spectacular, which I look forward to getting on dvd in a few months and giving a try with the colour turned off.

Stars out of 5 - 3

Dry Slaps - 2. One for Mr Hopkins accent which goes through more transformations than the Wolfman himself. And two for not only putting their American Werewolf in London but also for ripping its double "Am I awake yet?" jump.

I'm having an affair!!! - apparently

2010-02-09T08:49:00.003Z

So I went into Spar this morning (if you are non UK, think 7-11) to grab some lunch to take to work. While I was in there I saw the rack of Valentines cards and due to the fact I like having my balls attached, I picked one up for the wife.
Went to pay for my stuff. The woman behind the counter looked at the card, looked at me, looked back at the card then started muttering something. Then she gave me this filthy look, slammed my lunch on the counter and just held out her hand for the money, not saying anything.

So I'm wondering what's up and thinking "Is she one of those bitter single fuckers who gets the arse around this time" , then it hit me.

Me and Iz got this thing where we think its cool that we're married but still act like boyfriend/girlfriend. So as a result I got a card that said "To my girlfriend" on it and the woman had seen my wedding ring, seen me in the shop before with Iz, and thought I was buying a card for my bit on the side!

She's Pontypridd's own Miss Fucking Marple!

Sometimes nerds fucking piss me off

2010-02-06T17:53:00.003Z

Ok, this is all about the story that came out this week about DC Comics thinking of publishing new material based around the Watchmen universe.

My view on this is that it isnt really necessary seing how self contained the original is, but the characters and universe created were certainly rich enough to justify further stories being told. While an out and out sequel would be a bad move, stories expanding on the characters back histories before the events of the Watchmen book could be interesting. Kind of like writing Batman stories if Dark Knight came out first. We've seen the end, lets go more into the beginnings.
A good writer could definately make something worthwhile from this and if Alan Moore doesnt want to do it, I dont see why DC who own the characters shouldnt let someone else have a go.

But what pissed me off was that once this was announced my nerdy social networking things were all full of "THIS WILL BE SHIT" posts. This is before a writer and artist are assigned. Before concepts and a direction have been announced. Before the first fucking word of a script has been written.

How pathetically fucking defeatest is that? Sure say "I dont think it'll be as good as the original" or "I dont think its really needed" but dooming it to being crap? Thats just negative even for nerds who seem to live to put things down.

One that really surprised me was a name comic writer who has made this name using characters and situations created by others, saying it would fail creatively... or fucking even more annoying #FAIL creatively. Its like for fucks sake - how would you feel if before your first script was in people were dooming you to failure purely because you werent the creator?

Lets at least give stuff a chance to come out before ripping it shall we?
My brother had a good point actually saying it was probably because I'm trying to create stuff myself that pre-emptive negativity gets me so fucking angry. It would be like with my Damaged Goods graphic novel saying "Im doing a book of short horror stories" and someone saying "That will be shit" without even seeing a single fucking page of it.

I would LOVE if this Watchmen stuff takes off for someone to knock it out of the fucking park. Just to see if the naysayers have the balls to admit they were wrong not to give it a chance.
Doubt it tho

I am SUCH a fucking nerd

2010-01-29T09:31:00.002Z

Because I saw this cover online yesterday and you know what my first thought was?

It wasnt "Hell, Helfer looks a bit fucking hot for a blonde!"

It wasnt even "Grace Park looks GORGEOUS!"

No, it was "Idiots... they've said "Set Phasers to Sexy" on the cover and the girls are from Battlestar Galactica. Phasers are STAR TREK!!

sigh.

The Dead : Kingdom of Flies

2010-01-21T12:24:00.003Z

I feel before reviewing this trade I should admit something in the interests of full disclosure.

Back in the day... I loved Lobo : The Last Czarnian. I mean LOVED it. This was the DC comics mini series by Keith Giffen, Alan Grant and Simon Bisley that for me, made comics rock and roll. At the time I was really only reading Batman stuff and this books black humour and furious artwork made me venture outside of the normal, safe, run of the mill capes and tights stuff. So in summary, it was a special book for me and The Dead : Kingdom of Flies reunites two thirds of it's creative team having been written by Alan Grant and drawn by Simon Bisley. Oh, and the covers are by Glenn Fabry, who did the Preacher covers... which I have collected in a hardback art book.

Its a no-brainer really isnt it?

Yeah, this book rocked! The story in brief centers around a team of firefighters, stranded in their station during a zombie outbreak. As you would expect with a story like this the internal tensions between the survivors are as much a part of the story as the "Oh shit, zombies!" moments, but in the hands of a writer as good as Alan Grant it doesn't feel like stuff you've seen and read before even if the same human pressure cooker plot device is a bit of a zombie genre standard. Grant's dark sense of humour really shows through which puts this a step above the usual zombie comics which for my tastes can be a little too slow and depressing and via the medium of the firefighter's television we even get a few celebrity cameos thrown in for comedy effect.

This trade collects the first four issues and just rips along, ending in what feels like a decent chapter end while still obviously promising more to come and an injection of fresh characters to replace those who didnt make it alive through this volume. Bisley's art totally suits the crazy, violent story and this is one of those cool books where you really feel the creative team were having fun putting it all together. Hell, Bisley has even drawn himself in as the books token untrustworthy bastard which is a nice little touch for those who have ever attended a comic con and seen the man in person.

You dont have to take my word for it though. Go check out the website at http://www.thedeadcomic.com/ where you can see some of the gorgeous Fabry covers and also download the entire first issue for free.

I'd definately tag Berserker as a company to keep an eye on. Another of their titles which piqued my interest was Church of Hell, again written by Alan Grant but this time with full interior art by Glenn Fabry and covers by the awesome Clint Langley of 2000AD fame. The vibe I'm getting from them is that they are starting to do what Avatar Press have done so well in the States which is take creators from the big companies and say "Do us a book and we'll put it out. No restrictions, no censorship. Just go nuts and enjoy yourselves". Off the back of that Avatar have had such cool titles as Crossed from Garth Ennis and Gravel from Warren Ellis and I could well see Berserker continuing to do the same with talent this side of the Atlantic. Always good to see an indie publisher off to such a good start.

Stars out of five - Four

Dry Slaps - None, though someone less versed in the classic rules of video horror movies may be tempted give it one for the slightly gratuitous shower scene.

An Avatar "racism" rant

2010-01-19T15:07:00.003Z

So as Avatar is making a load of cash and being really popular, there are of course people queueing up to rip on it, which is fair enough. But there are also those claiming outrage due to its apparent racism!

Ok, heres a cut and paste of whats being said by so called fucking experts for the New York Times no less:
Avatar is a racial fantasy par excellence. ... It rests on the stereotype that white people are rationalist and technocratic while colonial victims are spiritual and athletic. It rests on the assumption that non-whites need the White Messiah to lead their crusades.

REALLY you dumb fuck?

I thought it was supposed to be about how even though HUMANS as a species are greedy bastards there is something special inside us that can make a difference. Something that COMBINED with the alien made something greater than the sum of its parts.
If you saw the 10 foot tall blue cat people in this movie and thought "Oh my God! Thats blacks!" then thats all in your fucking head. And even if you did and even if that was the case, which it obviously fucking wasnt, didnt the main character decide to literally shed his skin and become one of them at the end? Doesnt that mean he thought they were better? Actually you are right! Im now offended as a white person that the whole message is "White people are evil, we should all become black... and 10ft tall... and feline". Pricks.

Fucking hate people like this. There's enough real racism out there without these career victims making it up where it doesnt exist. They have their little agenda, usually coupled with a side order of "I'd be much more successful if not for..." and then apply it wherever they can

Another cut and paste
Travis Kavulla, an African studies scholar, argues that the movie's depiction of Na'vi as helpless victims gives a false sense that natives are always in harmony with nature

You did see the start of the movie right? The bit with the spaceships? The bit where they said this wasnt about fucking Africa? These are aliens FFS. You might as well argue ET gives the false impression German people cant hold their beer and can make bikes fly! Why Germans? Why not, sure I can come up with a link if thats the argument I'm trying to make anyway.

So whats the only safe option for a film like this? Well obviously you recast. The Jake Sully role goes to Will Smith and sorry Miss Saldana, even though you were the best actress for the job you cant play the alien as you are black and some of that might come through, so we get Keira Knightley as the blue chick. You know, just in case someone decides they want to take offence.

Nightmares

2010-01-19T09:40:00.002Z

So heres what I remember....
I'm pretty sure I was me in this dream but I was a much younger me. Still a kid. I was in one of those houses where the ground floor is below street level and all the curtains were closed and someone had boarded up the windows behind them. And the room were all identical, totally bare apart from those low tables that Japanese people sit cross legged around.
And there was a Japanese guy keeping me there. I couldnt see him but I knew he was. I could hear him moving around in the floor above. And I'd been drugged or something so that I couldnt walk properly, it was like being incredibly drunk and also I had no voice.

I was trying to get to the front door and had to drag myself there but it was obviously locked and I couldnt get up to the handle anyway. And then a letter came through the letterbox and I knew there was a postman outside. So I fell, launched myself at the door hitting it with my head and I could hear him on the other side "Hello? Is anyone there? Are you ok?"

And I was trying to say something and I couldnt. No noise was coming out. And I could hear the guy upstairs rushing down

That is until I managed to somehow shout "HELP" ... at about 3am this morning waking up the wife.

She shook me awake at this point and luckily I didnt still think I was in the dream and swing for her or anything. Was kinda freaky though and weirdly I was just finding it funny I'd shouted out of a dream rather than being all "Im traumatised" or some such bollocks.

Moral of the story : Dont let your wife cook from the Wagamama cookbook just before you go to bed, especially if you are also thinking of stories for a horror book :)

Robot Chicken Season 3 - DVD Review

2010-01-18T22:29:00.003Z

Robot Chicken seems to have a weird semi-following in the UK. Lots of people have watched the two Star Wars specials, but not as many seem to have even bothered with the actual series.
Well, good people, I'm here today to tell YOU... you should check it out.

Basically if you arent easily offended, and are a bit of a nerd (and lets be honest you're on the Geek Syndicate website so probably have a lightsabre or sonic screwdriver tucked away somewhere) then you'll really enjoy this show over and above the Star Wars stuff. A few of the sketches are riffing on non exported US shows or public figures which may lose you if, like me, you are UK based, but the majority revolve around gaming, comics, 70's and 80's tv shows and cartoons. The jokes come thick and fast with some sketches barely hitting 5 seconds but you will laugh a lot even if a little part of you feels slighly less cool for getting this many of the jokes. I mean, only a certain type of person will find a sketch about how long it takes Voltron to assemble funny.

This dvd set contains all 20 episodes from season three and covers such topics as President Bush's receiving of a Mogwai, what it really means to be a little pink peg in "The Game of Life" and Jesus - The 33 Year old Virgin. The humour is un pc, the language is definately for adults only and the pretend blood flows thick and fast. I kinda loved it.

The dvd extras are really over and above what you would expect for a show like this where you might usually only expect a brief behind the scenes clip. There are episode commentaries from the writers and performers, optional video pop-ups during episodes giving further behind the scenes info, deleted scenes, fully voiced animatics of cancelled scenes, video blogs, a studio tour and a cool little clip about the guys whose job it is to find the toys used in the show.

If the Star Wars specials left you cold, then probably this will too as its obviously by the same creative team. But if you did enjoy those then you should check out the fun they have playing with toys other than George Lucas's. Just brace yourself for the Gummi Bear chewing its own leg off... its a bit disturbing.

Marks out of five - A definate five. This show totally appealed to my inner nerd. Stan Lee voices the Stan Lee puppet as he's hitting on Pamela Anderson FFS! Katee Sackhoff voices a Starbuck who runs through the rest of the Frakking Battlestar Galactica swearing repertoire! Skeletor KILLS HE-MAN!
Dry Slaps - None.

Avatar 2 : The Script!

2010-01-18T09:39:00.002Z

Opening Shot : A view of planet Pandora from space. A peaceful jewel in the galaxy.
Serene music plays to tell us this. Then a change to more ominous tones as a huge battleship flies into shot.

Cut to the planet. Jake and hot blue chick running through the trees. Happy, free.
Then Jake pauses, looks to the sky sensing something is wrong. He leaps, landing on his Banshee, flying off dramatically

Cut to the the now deserted base and Jakes feet hit hard in the foreground as he runs inside. Once there he fires up a huge digital console confirming his worst fears. The humans have returned.

Cut to the jungle. Jake again stood in front of the Na'vi masses. He tells them they are again in danger but that they should not worry. They are proud warriors and Eywa is with them. The entire planet, Na'vi, beast and forest are their ally. They cannot be defeated. They all let out a huge battle cry.

Cut to the spaceship. Exterior shot then interior. We see Parker (Giovanni Ribsi's character from the first movie) at a console.
Parker - "Im telling you, we cannot win. The whole freaking planet turned on us last time, it was a disaster"
General (from off camera) - "You saying these primitives can take down my marines son?"
Parker - "You havent seen what they can do. Its like they are one with the nature down there"
General - "But you say the unobtanium we want is under ground?"
Parker - "Yeah, but...."
General - "Then theres only one course of action" he leans into shot revealing he is played by Michael Biehn "Nuke the site from orbit - only way to be sure"

Exterior shot as the ship rains down missiles, totally obliterating the planet.

Cut to the surface. Now smooth as black glass as the first human drop ship lands

Biehn's General walks out and lights up a cigar - "Piece of piss"

I'm thinking a cull....

2010-01-14T23:23:00.002Z

Had what is technically referred to as a cunt of a day today.
Tons of shit dumped on me in work. Lots of blame for shit that wasnt my fault but is apparently my job to take the blame for anyway. So a bit aggressive

And then there was lunchtime

Wanted something hot coz of it being the antarctic outside. Normal burger van still not back from his xmas break so I took a walk to another one further along the industrial estate.
And there I met the KING OF THE CHAVS.

Ok, this prick had his name tattooed on his neck, presumably in case his head fell off and he wanted it returning. He also had ther standard issue tracksuit on, complete with over the top gold chain to show that even though he was a man of leisure, he still had the £20 needed to pick up some shit like that from Argos. Thing was though the girl working the van was about 18 so he was doing his best to impress her. This seemed to mainly consist of showing his manliness by using spitting as a form of punctuation and using the word "fucking" to the point where even I thought it was over the top. Oh, and displaying his drinking prowess by loudly proclaiming
"Right, I fucking spent 30 fucking quid on fucking beer last night right. Thats about 10 pints down the fucking pub then a bottle of vodka down the fucking off licence and I fucking drank it all and I wasnt even fucking sick. YEAH BOYYYYYYYY!"

And Im like looking at him and all I can think is that I have neices and nephews and I'd be doing them a favour by killing this shitsmear just so that in years to come they dont have to deal with the retarded kids this turd will spunk up some dopey fat chick. Like draw a line under it.

Seriously, we should kill them. They dont even have comedy value

Scott Pilgrim vol 1

2010-01-13T12:21:00.004Z

Not done a comic review in a while so as I just read the first volume of Scott Pilgrim I figured "what the hell".
As this is only the first volume I'm pretty much going to spoil it, but only in order to tell you how good it is. I couldn't sell this book to myself without talking about how it ends so dont see how I could do so to anyone else.

So, where to start?
Ok lets do the art which is black and white (a turn off for some readers, I know), a bit cartoony (another turn off) and even a little manga (another turn off) but in this book it really works. It also has that cool indie thing going on and.... actually, thats it. This book just looks frigging cool but without you feeling like its trying to.

The story sounds a bit saved by the bell. Scott Pilgrim is a 23 year old slacker who shares a flat with a gay friend. He is also in a band and has just started dating a 17 year old student when he meets Ramona Flowers who he becomes obsessed with, eventually convincing her to also date him. The first volume is about his chasing this girl, their early relationship and his band's first big gig.
Ok, at this point you are probably either thinking "Sod that, its too High School Musical" or mentally filing this book under "Comics I can give the girlfriend to hopefully get her into my nerdy habit". But hang on. Did I mention that the reason he is obsessed with this girl is because she is using his head as a subspace highway shortcut while delivering packages for Amazon? Not enough?

Ok did I mention she has 7 ex-boyfriends, each of which Scott must defeat in order to date her? And we meet the first in this volume and him and Scott dont just have a punch up, they have a full on Street Fighter battle, complete with special moves and 64 hit attacks! Then when the ex calls up his demonic cheerleader warriors the whole band join in with a choreographed musical fight scene. And the weirdest thing... at this point of the book this seems totally natural.

I kinda loved this book and will definately be picking up volume 2. I'm also now very excited to see this crazy universe made real in the movies, especially knowing its being directed by Edgar Wright who will knock this kind of stuff out of the park.
So give it a go, and what the hell... when you are finished give it to the non nerd in your life. By the time the crazy shit kicks in she'll already be too addicted to put it down.

Fucking nobody complainers

2010-01-10T17:17:00.002Z

So I went to see Sherlock Homes this afternoon... cool flick by the way even if it did have that annoying thing of missing half the scenes you saw in the trailer.

Anyway, before that we went to Nandos. You know Nandos? Chicken place. Step up from the McDonalds of this world but still cheap and cheerful. About a tenner each usually.
So we are in there and theres this little fucking prick with his cousin... sorry, wife and kid. He's being a bit shouty when we got in. Being "funny" loudly at them from the other side of the place as he's getting drinks. Then his food turns up.

Now I couldnt tell exactly what was wrong with it. Something about there not being enough cheese, or too much cheese or some shit. But anyway, he kicked off. A full on "BRING ME THE MANAGER" stand up shouting thing. Manager arrives, obviously apologetic, offering to replace the stuff (which with Nandos limited off the shelf menu would take about 5 minutes) but no, this cocksucker had to keep making his big fucking scene.
Now Im not saying that just because you dont pay £50 a head in a restaraunt that you should expect shit, but I do think you have to bear in mind you are in a glorified fast food place. Also if they are apologising you should take it and not act the big fucking man just because these poor fuckers are paid not to punch you in the fucking mouth or even slap you with a "You keep acting like a bitch, I'll fucking slap you like one" line.

Pisses me off these pathetic little pricks who are so fucking NOTHING in their real lives that the second they have any power over someone, even if its a 16 year old doing a weekend job in a crappy restaraunt, they have to act the big fucking man.
Cunt like that in my work. Total pussy all day and while he talks big when his boss is out of earshot he might as well wear a t-shirt with "Bitch" on it. But stick him in any customer situation, and I've heard him on the phone in loads, and suddenly that "You have to take this crap or you might lose your job" power goes right down to his 2 inch dick and makes him fucking Gladiator.

Should burn them really.

New Years Resolutions pt 1

2009-12-31T13:01:00.002Z

1 - Do this blog more. Been a bit shit with it lately.

2 - Dont get so pissed off at the serial #FAIL ers. Had a year of cocksuckers tripping overthemselves to smugly declare every movie or tv show a FAIL in their eyes. Especially the cunts bitching that the movie based on the toy they played with when they were 6 wasnt intelligent enough. Again, they arent making this shit for cunts like you (and me) who havent grown out of this crap - its for the next generation of kids. If you're watching a movie based on a toy or fucking cartoon dont go expecting Shakespear you morons. If you cant enjoy it for what it obviously is going to be, then dont go. Same for ANYONE bitching about a Roland Emmerich movie like he's suddenly started making dumb spectacle flicks.

So yeah - dont let them get to me so much.

3 - Work on my inner monologue. Instances of me thinking stuff and then realising I said it out loud are getting a bit more frequent.
Just popped to the supermarket to get some stuff in because we have mates round to stay. On the way home I stopped at a burger van as the wife hadnt eaten today and I know she's a sucker for a hotdog with mustard.
Big queue, woman in front of me wanted a breakfast roll. Then started with the questions "Do you use butter or marjorine?" "Can I get it in a brown roll?" "Will you wrap it for me" etc etc
Then AT THE END.... What exactly is IN a breakfast roll.

So in my head I said "Two dead animals smarter than you" .... but saw the steam rise from my mouth and then the woman serving stifle a laugh.
So yeah - internalise.

Will be back with more later

Raging

2009-12-15T13:34:00.002Z

So I've jumped on the pointless bandwagon and bought a copy of Rage Against the Machine in a vain attempt to stop the brainless masses putting this years disposable X Factor wanker to number one.
It wont happen, and even if it does the whole process will only put more money in those fuckers pockets as they do a "You cant let poor (whoever won) down! Come on idiotic teenagers and brain dead Hello magazine readers... lets FIGHT those scruffy spoilsports!"
Even if their shit comes in at number 2 it'll still sell a hell of a lot more than it otherwise would have to get to number one. Its a token gesture at best but what the hell.
Another Xmas initiative I'm trying to start is to get everyone to sneak razor blades into copies of Jordans books with a little post-it saying "Go on.. do it". Thin out a few retards for the holidays.

And a quick other one. Check out this story
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1235782/Millionaire-Munir-Hussain-fought-knife-wielding-burglar-jailed-intruder-let-off.html
Short version - burglar breaks into a guys house. Ties up him and his family at knife point. Guy manages to free himself, attacks intruder... and gets 2 years while the intruder is let off.
The judge that did this? I hope he gets tied to a chair and is forced to watch while his kids get chopped up. Then is given a gun and asked what he thinks about taking the law into his own hands then. Fucking prick! Makes me seriously sick that this is the fucking world we are in now.

Also a little confused by some celeb merchandising this week. Firstly Kerry Katona is opening a chain of kebab shops.... ok, that makes sense. But Liz Hurley has brought out a range of beef jerky?!?! It hardly goes with her image does it? I mean it'd sell well in pubs as a punchline to a "Fancy munching down on Liz Hurleys beef curtains?" joke, but still... really?
Anyway, she used to be fucking hot so I'll let her off.

Twitter cunts

2009-12-03T13:58:00.002Z

Ok, so like I said Im into the whole Twitter thing now... yeah, I know, hypocritical bastard.

Anyway, I bullshit with mates on it like you do but have now had 2 motherfucking POLITICAL CORRECTNESS POLICE cocksuckers giving me grief on it.

Firstly was because I posted something or another about Susan Boyle being a pig, because lets face it, she is. She is also only famous because of that. If she had been hot with a decent voice nobody would have cared. The fact nice noises come out of a monster has made the world love her in a "Ah, isnt it sad" kind of way. But regardless I still got someone ripping me for commenting on her looks which is offensive and sexist.

Then today a lovely woman I know from Scotland tweeted something about racism so I made a joke to her about ripping the english which is racism we can all get behind. This obviously being a joke as she is Scottish and I am Welsh and it's what we do. My wife is English, some of my best fucking mates in the world are.... but I give them shit, and they give me enough Welsh jokes to keep it all even.
But I still get some cock then posting "ALL racism is equally wrong" like they are teaching me a fucking lesson.

So firstly these people can only have found this stuff by looking for random tweets about Susan Boyle or racism, and then not in topics as I never use the hashtag thing. And they then decide from ONE FUCKING LINE that they know me well enough to know exactly what I meant and then took it on themselves to show me the right way?

I know what I call my sense of humour is a bit off and definately not PC, but I swear, every time someone tries the "Lets sit you down and tell you why that is wrong" I just want to punch the fuckers. This planet needs to grow some balls and stop being so fucking precious.

GRRR

2009-12-03T12:31:00.002Z

So the LOVELY women upstairs (grr) are rearranging the office again!
In their defence, I think this is an enforced one and more of a "We want to move you so we can see what you have on your screen all day you facebook fuckers" rather than "I dont like her any more and this one is now my new best friend so we all have to move".

So I got the call about it, all sorted, was gonna happen tomorrow, Friday. I went up, spoke to them, said that if they did decide to do any moving around to let me know first as I'd need to arrange the network cabling and phones before they got settled. All cool.

Yesterday I got the first "I've moved, nothing works" and as it was the one guy in the office I was happy to swear at him but luckily still managed to sort it all out without too much hassle while again reiterating the "Friday, call me first if not, blah blah bullshit" to the rest

So then we get to today. Dog of a morning sorting out a pc and problems over in the factory. Eventually get back to my desk and get called upstairs and they've ALL moved. Desks all how they want them, filing cabinets against the walls. Fluffy toys and pictures of retarded looking kids all placed exactly. All looks lovely, and no way to get to any of the walls to do the cables without pulling the whole fucking thing out. And then I get the "Well I cant work now, you have to fix it"

Seriously want to fucking punch the lot of them. spent five minutes up there and had to leave. Will sort this afternoon when I'm hopefully less aggressive.

On the plus side though, this time next week I'm off to see the fucking QUIREBOYS!! C'mon!

Yesterdays mini breakdown

2009-12-02T09:48:00.003Z

So yesterday was a rough one in work. But I kept my head down, got through it etc

Apart from one bit.

I had to totally rebuild a computer due to someone getting a virus on it and part of that is installing this one bit of software. Went to do so, entered the licence key and got a "Your licence has expired" message. So I checked and found the email from when I bought the licence and it was a year long thing, dated Dec 15th last year. So I rang them up....

Bloke answered the phone and after getting my details he sighed and said
"I shouldnt even be TALKING to you. You are only entitled to support while your licence is valid"
I let this slide though and explained how I was confused about the licence being rejected when it seemed it should run until Dec 15th this year. He came back with

"The email was sent on the 15th of December as that is when your companies cheque cleared, but the licence runs from when the order was actually placed which was the 28th of November..."

At this point I actually took a breath ready to say "Ok then, fair enough, that explains it"

But he then followed with a quick
"And if you had been BOTHERED to check.... you'd see that today IS in face December the first"

This is where I lost it. And I mean LOST it. Not even a "How dare you speak to me like that"
It was a "Listen you fucking cunt stick, you talk down to me like that and I'll come up there and rip your fucking throat out you arrogant peice of shit"
He did try to be all outraged at this but then I got into the "Get me your fucking manager. I want to tell them why I'm not placing the £1200 order I phoned to sort out"
Which of course made him all apologetic.

Its a serious button with me. Never play the time/date thing. People in work know that now. I did get a few "You said you'd be here in 5 minutes" pause to look at their watch "That was TEN minutes ago" when I was first here. I react badly. They know not to do that now.

"

Fucking maternity leave

2009-11-24T13:35:00.002Z

Have I bitched about this before? Screw it, I'm doing it again - but a quickie

Some girl in work who, and I'll be generous here, has worked here about a month has announced she is pregnant (something she knew, but neglected to mention in her interview). So what happens now? Well, for the next four months she runs off for scans and shit every couple of days, then she'll leave for up to a year while she is paid, then come back, making the temp who has covered for her TWICE AS LONG AS SHES BEEN HERE HERSELF redundant, then more likely than not hand in her notice after a few weeks. That or say "I'd like to just work 2 days a week please" and of course they have to because not doing so would be discriminating.
Yeah, Im being cynical and taking the worst case here, but that exact thing has happened here twice to my knowledge.

So what they should do is say that you need to work somewhere a minimum of two years before you get paid for maternity leave. That way nobody is stepping on your god given right to pump out kids, but it stops you taking the piss.
I'd also add in a "And you cant do it again for at least another 2 years" as well, but that might be a bit much.

And I would add in a pic, but the theme of the post means it'd have to be a pregnant chick but despite what Demi Moore would have you believe it isnt beautiful unless its your girl carrying your baby.

Queues - or apartheid can be fun!!

2009-11-23T08:19:00.003Z

So I've been thinking about how to save the world from violence and abuse via the use of queues. And before anyone gets fucking preachy - apartheid ISNT racial. Well, it can be of course, but thats not what the word means. Its about seperation.

Firstly - Shops and especially Supermarkets. There should be three streams of queues.
Queue one - Over 70's.
Queue two - Women
Queue three - guys.

Seriously, I was in Marks and Spencers on Saturday because I got caught out when it was shitting it down with rain and thought "YOu know what? None of my jackets have hoods, Im getting a hat!". Went to pay, I had the EXACT FUCKING MONEY in my hand and was still stood there for 10 minutes while five assistants at the checkout dealt with FOUR OLD WOMEN who had the need to discuss every item they were buying in great detail.
"Oh, that cardigan is going to be for our Julie. She's thirty now. She's a lovely girl, its such a shame she lost the baby. The father was no good though, we dont know where he is now. But she always liked pink since she was a little girl and this is such a lovely colour of pink, and......."
FUCK OFF! Really its like in petrol stations now where you have the pay at the pump only areas for people who want to get what they need and get out of there. They should have that everywhere.
And sorry if its sexist, but balls to it. How fast would a men only queue in Tesco move?
Here's your stuff... do you have a club card? No. Do you have 50 cut out coupons? No. Do you want to TALK about your shopping? No. Would you like to stand there right up until the point I tell you how much it is and then go looking for your purse in the bottom of a huge bag like its a surprise you've been asked to actually pay for all this? No. Would you like to just give me the cash to pay for this and leave? Yes, actually that would be fucking awesome, thank you very much. NEXT!

My second one is in pubs and bars. Again there should be two streams

Stream one - I would like bottled beer or shorts or lager etc

Stream two - I would like some poncy fucking specialist beer that takes 10 minutes to pull and that I am then likely to want to inspect for a while to make sure its got just enough bits of floating crap in there to be authentically horrible. Same for Guinness actually, takes too long, piss off.

Its my own fault. I cant queue jump in bars. If the barman asks me what I want and I know someone at the other end of the bar was there before me, I'll always do the "That guy was first" thing. And invariably he then wants 10 pints of "Old Hens Testicles" beer and Im waiting for ages for my chance to say "Three bottles of bud and... oh, they are ready. Here's my cash then"

Do I need a lame excuse to post up a hot Snow White pic? Fuck it, its monday, I need cheering up. That reminds me actually - I got pages of my Snow graphic novel with editors notes to re-write. Hmmm...

Gah!

2009-11-17T11:15:00.002Z

Every now and then... when I'm driving.... this little voice in my head says
"Wouldnt it be really fucked up if you looked in the rear view mirror now and there was someone really scary looking in the back seat staring right at you?"

I fucking hate that little voice.

I also hate the woman this morning who caused me to do a full emergency stop because she was SO impressed at her multi-tasking skills she decided to coninue talking to and looking at her friend in the passenger seat as she swung open her car door.
Dopey fuck.
Spent the next 10 minutes wishing I'd kept going and taken the bitches legs out.

And I'm also not too keen on whichever cunt wrote the computer virus I've spent the last two and half hours wrestling with. All sorted now, but still a total waste of fucking time. Hope someone takes one of his kids and spends the next 6 months sending him fucked up photos. Bastards.

How's your day going?
on the plus side though I watched the new Trek movie on DVD yesterday. Awesome, and helloooo Orion Slave Girl :)

I'm a Twitter-crite

2009-11-13T09:28:00.002Z

Yeah, after ripping it for months, I caved and got a Twitter account

http://twitter.com/welshbluemeanie

I can see the appeal of it and when you use it through something like Tweetdeck its a cool little instant messenger type thing. Gotta be honest I only got it as my brother uses it and he's a fucker to pin down at the best of times, so this was a way to get hold of him. Still dont approve of people linking it to their Facebook though as seen through that it makes no fucking sense.

BUT, some of the fucking shit that people post on there is just dumb. I mean, todays one seems to be

I'm on a mission today! Please help @stephenfry pass 1 million followers today #frymillion !

What? Lets all join fucking hands and get Stephen Fry a million followers? Why?
I know he seems to be the Twitter equivalent of that Tom guy everyone got when they created a Myspace page (ahhhh, remember Myspace) but seriously? I mean last week it actually made the news that he was going to delete his Twitter account because someone dared to call him boring! Do we really need to masturbate the fuckers ego this much? He's rich, successful, talented, respected... when's it enough? And if strangers following him on Twitter is his yardstick then he's obviously not as intelligent as he appears.

What was the other one?
oh yeah - Rememberence day. Now firstly Im not having a go at the day. Its important, ok?
BUT there was a thing going over twitter about how everyone should tweet a blank tweet at 11pm as a virtual silence. How fucking retarded is that? You might as well shout out the window "IM BEING QUIET!".

And the other thing is still celebrities in general on there. Now I have a few "famous" people on mine, but unless you read comics, and specifically 2000AD you wont know them. Also they are all people I have talked to a bit and who know who I am in the real world, so while I wouldnt presume to call them friends, I would get a "Hey, hows it going" if I passed them in the street.
Now not saying you shouldnt follow famous people if you are a fan and want to keep up with what they are doing. But the constant "Look at me, look at me" shit is just pathetic.
I mean I saw someone yesterday posting a message to Jonathan Ross which basically said "What was that show you used to do with so and so. I could look it up but thought I'd ask you directly". Whats the fucking point of that? The guy has hundreds of thousands of followers. You really think he's that starved for attention he's going to respond to every awkward attempt at getting noticed?

So yeah, I'm not following any famous people. Would I ever? Probably not, but you never know. Hell, Im not even following Dita von Teese on there, but thats mainly because I have a bad feeling if I did I'd decide she was pissing me off after a few days so I'd rather keep with the silent images thanks. And on that note... :)

Some more crap

2009-11-10T14:42:00.002Z

Fucking Swine Flu!
Yeah - I had it. So did the wife. It sucked too. Proper burning up flu with added throwing up, always a plus. Problem I have now though is with work. YOu see I was off for 6 days and work say that because of that I need a note from the doctors. Rang the docs who say "No, you only need one after 7, so we wont give you one". Everything I've checked online says its after 5 but ringing the docs back I get the "We are the doctors, WE know the rules and we are telling you its 7".
Kinda stuck now. Of course the clever move would have been for me to stay home today even though I'm not feeling that bad, clock up my 7th day and job done. Too fucking honest for my own good sometimes.

How stupid do people think I am?
So I get the standard "My computer is being weird on its own" message I get a lot and go look at someones pc. They are getting a popup from Mcafee saying there is a virus that needs cleaning, but we dont HAVE Mcafee on our work pc's so this is obviously a virus or some kind of malware itself. I point this out and get the "Well dont look at me, I never put anything on my pc I shouldnt"
This despite the fact that the whole time the cursor on the screen has been followed by a pink, sparkly "Sexy" leaving little trails of fairy dust. Surprisingly this isnt part of windows. Neither are all the flash games and "Fun Smileys" that somehow got on the pc without anyone knowing how.
-sigh-

Fuck you Morrisey
Did I bitch about him walking off stage mid gig at a festival because he could smell someone cooking burgers? Well this isnt as bad, but apparently he was hit by a plastic bottle two songs into a gig and again walked off and refused to come back out. Now Im not saying shit like that should fly or that the person who did it shouldnt have their arse kicked. But to snub a room full of fans because of one prick is taking the piss. He needs to stop being such a little fucking princess.

Quickie

2009-10-31T17:53:00.002Z

That couple who got kidnapped off their boat of Somalia. And the pirates who have them.....
You know what, if you are going to be a fucking pirate have the balls to fucking act like one. That means when you demand seven FUCKING MILLION for 2 pensioners return at least be honest that its for you and your other cowardly cocksucker crew. Dont fucking pretend its a political thing because of fishing rights or some such shit as there is no way if you got the money you'd go all Robin Hood with it.

Seriously, I hope right now theres some SAS motherfucker on his way to blow their fucking brains out.

Feeling sick so lets rip on some shit

2009-10-29T16:04:00.002Z

Fuck you Westlife
Story here basically its one of the cocksuckers saying how he doesnt feel another of the cocksuckers who left could come back because the "band has moved on". YOU ARENT A FUCKING BAND! Bands play instruments and write songs. You pricks sit on stools and sing overproduced songs you are given to fat chicks to cant get a boyfriend. How exactly have you moved on musically? All he has do do is learn the new songs kareoke style. Hell, most songs only one of you sing and the others just mouth the words to anyway. And who the fuck is still buying this shit? Surely their fans from the 90's are now all single mums who cant afford to buy all this crap any more.
And on the boyband thing, I cant find the link now... oh, here it is, but there was a story about how Boyzone are going to do a Stephen Gately (the one who died if you dont know) tribute on X-Factor and also possible debut their new comeback single. No shit you fuckers. No shit. How about putting a pic of him on the cover with angel wings as well? Or you could go the more accurate "on his back in a pool of vomit" option.

For fucks sake.....
Apparently there are schools which are fighting truancy by giving ipods and sweets to the kids with the best attendance. Heres a cheaper idea, why not just fucking kick out the ones who dont show up. Or failing that, fine the parents as I'm sure a lot of them will come from the type of families where they'd get a good fucking kicking if dad got a £500 bill for his kid bunking off.

Am I a bad person?

2009-10-28T09:10:00.002Z

There's this news story about a couple who have gone missing after their yacht was apparently taken by pirates off the coast of Somalia. I just cant seem to give a shit.

I mean, firstly the story is all about them on their fucking yacht which doesnt exactly scream "Poor you" and secondly, they were off the coast of fucking Somalia which I even know is bad for that kind of thing and dont even own an inflatable dingy.
Granted its still not good and not giving me the same grin I get seeing a BMW broken down at the side of the road, but still. Not pressing my empathy buttons

Yeah - I've been away

2009-10-26T10:19:00.002Z

So I went on holiday. Week in Majorca on a Thompson Gold holiday which is one of those ones where the resort doesn't let anyone under 18 stay... so NO KIDS!! Fucking awesome!
Only problem is it goes right the other end as we were about the only people there under the age of 70. This had advantages like pretty much having the massive pool to ourselves and decent food and entertainment (hey, I like a bit of 60s music when Im drunk) but the comedy downside was the reps over the loudspeaker every hour saying "And now if you want to make your way to the poolside stage, Chelsea will show you how to make jewlery, followed by a nice game of French bowls!"
All very rock and roll.

Was a struggle not to kick some of the old farts though. Its like the evening buffet was crazy. Loads of choice and really nice stuff as well. But you'd still have them shuffling about going "Ohh.... I dont like this. This isnt how we make it at home is it?"
You arent AT home you dumb fucks. Thats the point. Its supposed to be different. But then these are probably the older versions of the pricks who spend money to go to spain then spend all their time in a "traditional english pub!" when they get there and paying extra so they can still drink their John Smiths bitter.

Bottom line though - wife in bikini = good holiday.

The Birmingham Comic Con thing & my new website

2009-10-06T11:53:00.003+01:00

Do the website thing first...
As I have three graphic novels in the works and a fourth looking a distinct possibility, I figured I might as well do a website about my writing stuff if for no other reason than it makes me look slightly more professional and might make a difference if someone is deciding whether to let me write shit for them.

so here it is

OK, Birmingham Comic Con.
Short version is that we got there at 2pm on the Friday, decided to go get some food. Went to a pub, so had a beer with the meal, then were still there at 7:30 when it was time to go to the launch party by which time of course I was more than a little pissed. So once again the con was all about the drinking.... Hurrah!!
The Friday night was fun though, got to meet a few of the 2000Ad guys I'd spoken to online and through the podcast and Al Ewing bought me a beer which rocked as I kinda had it in my head he was just going to call me an idiot. I was also licked by 2000Ad artist PJ Holden which was kinda odd.
I got to meet the girl who is doing my Snow graphic novel and who is LOVELY! Weird, but lovely, as all good artists should be I suppose. And yeah... did a few panels, bought some stuff, chatted with my publishers who were all very encouraging and also hopefully scored another writing gig.
Hit the pub at 5 on Saturday, where I weirdly spent about an hour with Doctor Who writer Paul Cornell, and had to crawl back to the hotel at midnight due to a late wave of "I might not be a nice drunk at the moment, I should go before I piss the wife off".
Sunday was all about taking it easy
Loads of pics here which hopefully anyone can view.
Right, now I have to go to my other site to do the professional writer-y version of it all :)

Grrrr

2009-10-01T14:19:00.002+01:00

You know those fish people put on their cars? These ones?
A lot of people think these mean that the driver is christian or its an "I'm driving with Jesus" thing.
This is wrong.

I've been stuck behind a few the last week and what it really means is "I drive like I have no arms or legs and am constantly fighting to breathe air"

Was a politician thing that pissed me off this week. Well, two actually as I've also had a bit of the arse about people putting political shit on their facebook. I mean, who fucking cares. Its supposed to be a fun, stupid network thing, not a platform for you to tell us what you think about fucking health care. But my real one was THIS story. Short version its Labour politicial Harriet Harman trying to make a big deal about a dumb platform she has found. Basically she's bitching about a website based in California on which people rate prostitutes, including ones in the UK. She obviously finds this terribly offensive and degrading to women, especially ones like her who nobody would EVER pay to fuck, and wants the site shut down.
Now this is all fair enough I suppose, but in a pathetic attempt to get some publicity she's addressed her complaints directly at the governor, Arnold Schwarzenneger. And not only that but.... I'll just quote it..
"Surely it can't be too difficult for The Terminator to terminate PunterNet and that's what I'm demanding he does. And if he doesn't, I've got a message for Arnie: I'll be back."
Seriously, dont you just want to punch her in her smug fucking mouth? And you know what else you dumb bitch, all this has done has increased the websites hits x100 as nobody had heard of it before you came up with your clever little soundbite. Now why dont you go back home and try and come up with a way to ask Clint Eastwood if he feels lucky.

Defending the indefensible - the BNP

2009-09-28T12:42:00.002+01:00

Ok, so there is a tv program in the UK called Question Time thats been running for 30 years in which a panel of politicians face a large studio audience and have to answer any political question asked. All well and good, but there is currently a big stink going on due to the BNP leader Nick Griffin being due to appear, the first time someone from the BNP has.
Not only are there due to be protestors outside the BBC when this happens, but apparently the technicians union are encouraging their members to refuse to work on the program, effectively shutting it down.

Now just to be INCREDIBLY CLEAR Im not saying the BNP is a good thing or any crap like that. But seeing as they have won seats at elections and therefore represent a percentage of the population I am saying they have every right to appear on a political show like this. Especially one on the BBC which is duty bound to represent everyone, not just the nice people. Yeah, you might not agree with them, but you probably dont agree with Labour and Conservative and the Green Party either. Its not like the guy is gonna get an easy ride anyway, I imagine he is in for a world of abuse when the show starts.

If they were giving the "All non white people should be stoned" line or generally inciting violence then yeah, they shouldnt be on, same as the IRA, but pretty sure they arent doing that. I'll be honest I dont follow politics but was under the impression they werent quite as crazy nazi as they used to be. Just doesnt seem right that they dont get to be on Question Time and be shown to be idiots just like the other parties morons. All these protests and hysterics are just giving them more publicity and allowing them to play the part of the calm rational ones who "just want a chance to speak". Gonna do more harm than good.

Just some stuff

2009-09-23T09:37:00.002+01:00

Grabbing an egg and bacon roll for breakfast and speaking to the guy on the burger van. Apparently theres a place round the corner and last week the owner brought in his TWO absolutely huge motor boats and got the guys who work for him to clean them. Then at the end of the day he announced that next week he would be laying off four of them, he knew who they were going to be, but wouldnt tell them till then.
YOu just wanna punch people like that dont ya?

Had to go to the doctors yesterday for a checkup on this minor op thing I had last week. Been there twice already, saw the same guy each time, no worries. Walked down there yesterday got SOAKED. Absolutely pissed it down so I turned up looking like a fucking vagrant. Did the doctor mind though? Of course not... because I didnt see him yesterday... I had to see foxy nurse lady.
God hates me.

Snow Posters

2009-09-20T09:21:00.003+01:00

Got these emailed on Friday night and am now so excited about seeing this book come together as its put a totally different spin on the whole thing for me. Really changed how I'm seeing it all in my head, but in a good way. The email I had them sent in said "Posters that kinda suck" ... she's fucking insane. These are awesome! Have the one with the mirror as the wallpaper on my phone and kept grinning at it in the pub last night. Dont tell her that though, I'm trying to con her into thinking she is the one lucky to be working on my script ;)
Anyway, enough of my shit, check these out

Dita von Teese loves me

2009-09-17T12:38:00.002+01:00

She knows Im already married to a hot chick as well which has to be all kinds of upsetting for her.
Poor girl. She's asked for loans but Iz is holding out for half of her shoe collection first.

Oh, quick thing.
Was driving into work this morning, stuck in traffic. In the back of the car next to me was this black guy about 25 or so. Totally bald, brushing his no hair with a hair brush without bristles... whilst looking into a hand held mirror.
What the fuck is that?
Was he polishing? I dont get it. Took me 10 minutes to get through this one bottleneck, he was doing it the entire time. I only take 10 seconds at the outside to brush my hair... AND I FUCKING HAVE HAIR!! People confuse me sometimes.

C'mon... even you have to admit she should die now!

2009-09-16T08:53:00.002+01:00

So I had to get petrol this morning so saw the newstand and again the covers to ALL the papers were about Katie Price's celebrity rape.
Theres a full article here, but I'll rip out bits below if you cant be fucked.

Firstly, this is the WORST kind of celebrity whoring. She has had this so called rape in her back pocket as an ace for the last how ever many years, ready to pull out if she saw her "career" taking a turn. Papers and idiotic Hello and OK! magazine readers start to turn on her a bit so she pulls out this rape, gets on the cover of all the papers and can play the victim just when everyone is calling her a bitch. But then to let out part 2... "AND IT WAS A CELEBRITY WHO DID IT!" two weeks later just goes to show its nothing more than a fucking PR thing for her. Sure, she'll make out she's doing this for all the other women out there who were ever attacked, but the timing of this is so fucking transparent its sickening. Letting out the "story" in peices to maintain media interest even moreso.

Some quotes though:
Asked why she had not reported the rape at the time, Katie said she never wanted to speak about it again
Um... so why ARE you speaking about it now? Oh yeah, there were stories of you fucking around in Spain while your kids were home with a nanny and people were saying you were a horrible person so you needed to play a "poor me" card.

My fave though

Katie was also asked about Peter, saying that she had suffered several miscarriages during their marriage. She told the magazine: “I don’t want to talk about the other miscarriages I had because quite frankly that’s no one else’s business.”

No one else's business? This bitch fucking lives her entire life on camera, sells every fucking thought she has to magazines as a headline exclusive, has a fortune for doing absolutely fuck all other than living her life as a reality tv show... EVERYTHING is everyones business. You've sold your fucking soul, live with it.

I'll try not to rant on this cunt again for a while... but next week when the papers have the "I was raped by a famous celebrity whose first initial is...." and we begin 3 months of playing
"rapist hangman" I might jump back in.

This whole Kanye West thing.... just a thought

2009-09-14T10:38:00.003+01:00

Ok, firstly if you came up to me and said you'd give me a million quid if I could hum a few bars of either a Taylor Swift or Kanye West song... I'd be one pissed off and still skint fucker. Know OF them, dont think I've ever heard a song BY either of them or if I have not associated it with them.

But this MTV thing last night. Apparently she was accepting an award for best female video at the MTV awards and was stopped by Kanye West who got up on stage and took the mic off her to say Beyonce should have won it. Not only that but she was in the middle of talking about how difficult it is for a country singer to make the crossover to MTV.

Ok... here's where I'd like to play the race card please. I know Im white and therefore not supposed to or make out its a 2 way street, but fuck it. I think I got an argument here.

As she said, her getting on MTV wasnt too easy being a country singer. Now I dont watch regular MTV channels, not my kind of music. But sometimes I'll be in a pub where they play them and I'm honestly not exaggerating if I say I've sat there all night and not seen a single white face on there. Thats fine, I got no problem with that. Not sure if MTV america is different to the UK version Im probably seeing, doubt it. The stuff labelled "black" music or MOBO is whats popular now so all well and good, they should play what most people want to hear.

But like Ms Swift was saying, her getting her music onto the playlist is a pretty big deal, her winning the award moreso and then to be interrupted by a rapper saying Beyonce shoulda won?

Ok - lets flip it.

Imagine if it was the other way around and MTV was all about country music. All day all you had was guys in cowboy hats and women sat on horses. Soul and rap music was considered uncool by kids all over the country and you never saw any on the tv apart from on the one specialised channel.
Then Beyonce brings out records so good that kids think "Hey, this shit is ok." and breaks a few boundaries. And she wins a proper MTV award, not the "soul only" category, and while she is saying how important it is for this music to reach new people Garth Brooks comes on, pulls the mic of her and says its all bollocks and where the fuck is Shania Twain.

What do you think the reaction would be? Would people just be calling him rude, or would he be labelled a racist bastard? Im pretty sure it'd be the latter and to be honest I dont really see how this should be looked at differently just because the colours are the other way around.

Probably just me again though.

Would add though that later when Beyonce won an award she apparently asked Taylor Swift back up onstage to have her moment, so while Im not a fan of her music - Good on you mate, that showed fucking class. Unlike that other prick who I hope gets some serious backlash from this.

More random stuff

2009-09-10T10:05:00.002+01:00

Mybrute
Im still weirdly addicted to Mybrute, the totally pointless un-interactive online thing. God knows why, especially as my guy seems to have fucking polio or something. Seriously, he's a retard.
Maybe Im selling it short and its really an incredibly clever system and its worked out that he's got brain damage from all the fighting and its perfectly recreating that.
Check out the spaz - http://welshbluemeanie.mybrute.com

Fianceeeeeeeeeeeee
So theres this guy I know on Facebook. He's engaged to this girl, he's happy about it. Good for him and all that. But he's constantly posting "My fiancee likes this" , "Wish I was with my fiancee" and its like GAAAH! FUCKING HATE THAT WORD!
I mean, I was engaged for a year or so. I love my girl to bits, I had a huge sense of "Hey! Everyone! Look what I got! Check her out! And she's gonna MARRY me?!?!" but never used the F word. Just creeps me out for some reason. Know Iz was the same... tho she always preferred to introduce me as "This is my bee-atch". Prefer that to fucking fiaannnnceee! Especially when you are talking to people who already know you. Yeah you could say "This is Jenny, my fiancee" the first time, but once everyone knows her name ITS JUST FUCKING JENNY! Shit, its like you get attached to someone and then its all job titles.
"Fiancee"
"Wife"
"Mother of my children"
"Alimony recipient"
Probably why I love this clip so much

Birmingham Comic Con
All sorted! My pro pass is approved and on its way to me though I still feel a little like when I was 16 sneaking into 18 certificate horror films. Like Im gonna get found out and kicked out at any moment.
Anyway, hoping to have some beers with the 2000AD guys. Meeting up with the artist on Snow so we can bounce around a few ideas. And also hoping Mark is gonna be able to come along so we can start to build up a bit of momentum for Damaged Goods. Part of me thinks I should also be putting together pitches and a list of people to annoy with them, but as I have two books on the go at the moment probably best I focus on them and worry about the next thing at Bristol once Damaged Goods is in the can. Plus of course all this real stuff gets in the way of serious bar time.

Insomnia News... in reverse

2009-09-08T09:00:00.004+01:00

Well they've done a big press release thing about BICS which is all well and good, but seeing as there is a bit of tiinnny news thats about me, Im putting in first so tough shit!

Right - Snow.

I mentioned this before, its the full length graphic novel I'm writing for them and we've had a bit of trouble getting an artist. A few REALLY talented people have tried out but its a weird book and nothing was really fitting. Also its tough to find someone who can do the weird shit and also handle the fact the main character is a female who has to look in turn sexy, vulnerable, then insane.
Anyway, the artist we've got is called Valia and you can check out some more of her work here and I've put up a pic as well. She is also going to have a table at BICS where you can buy her comic "100% Mushy" and has drawn me a Bride of Frankenstein pic, so obviously I now think she rocks.

Love how it doesnt look too much like what you think of as traditional comic book art and has more of a storybook illustration feel which should really suit the story. Still fucking amazed how lucky I've been with artists on the stuff I've done. Talking of which Mark is STILL blowing me away with Damaged Goods art and Im a bit pissed how amazing it is as when it comes out he is definately gonna get snapped up to do other stuff. He's just too good. He needs to be doing a 30 Days of Night or something.

Anyway, now I have an artist onboard I need to focus on this book a little more and it'll really help me being able to visualise how it will look now I know who will draw it. I will of course bore anyone reading this with details as and when.

Onto the real Insomnia press release thing which I have only edited slightly :

BICS will see the launch of Burke and Hare (first of the Vigil books) by Martin Conaghan and Will Pickering, Buskers (con special edition with a VCD) by Jeymes Samuel, Sean Michael Wilson and Michiru Morikawa (who has a panel and talk at the show) and finally MILK by Stref (limited ed hardback will be available at the con).

As usual we will be doing special offers on the books as follows:

*3 for £20 on all standard edition books
* Any special ed + one standard ed for £20

and the following special con prices

Standard Editions
Burke and Hare (RRP £12.99) Con Price £10
Cancertown (RRP 14.99) Con Price £10
Cages (RRP 10.99) Con Price £8
Layer Zero Choices (RRP £9.99) Con Price £7 (This is the best one due to it containing a story by the immensly talented and handsome Richard McAuliffe)

Special Editions
Buskers (RRP £14.99) Con Price £12
MILK (RRP £19.99) Con Price £15

People will be able to reserve these to pick up on the day, or order direct from us by 3rd of October if they cannot make the con.

More Random Stuff

2009-08-31T22:51:00.003+01:00

I'm gonna be in the Judge Dredd Megazine
Yeah, not as a writer unfortunately... but it'll come. You hear me Tharg you green skinned, jaffa cake forehead mother fucker... it'll come! But for now the very cool Alec Worley has written an article on comic book podcasts and threw some questions at me the answers to which will be part of the whole thing. Pretty cool getting a namecheck in the mag though. Of course Im a little worried people will start listening to us now!
Oh, and on the 2000AD thing, doing an interview with Leigh Gallagher on Thursday. Should be fun.

I wanna nail Sondra Locke!
No, seriously. We got drunk and watched Every Which Way But Loose and Any Which Way You Can on Friday night. She's in both. She cant act, she cant sing, and shes worlds of plain. So she must be the most INCREDIBLE fuck on the planet. Only explanation. You could turn the lights off and think of someone hot. It'd rock. It must do.

Im a fucking snob
Went for a chinese this afternoon. Just one of those all you can eat buffet deals. Actually surprised myself how annoyed I was getting with the moronic mouth breathers in there and their screaming fucking kids. Worst of all Im at the food thing. Theres a guy there with his 4 year old daughter trying to talk her though the buffet.
"You want one of these? They are... oh.. lets see.. prawn toast. Do you like prawn toast? Do you? Do you like it? Shall we try some?".
Was doing this reading every little label while a queue built up of people waiting for him to move his fucking arse. And all he did was look up every 30 seconds with that "Ahhh, arent kids magical?" look and the rest of the morons all grinned back.
Heard someone say "Im gonna turn that little fuck into a statistic if he doesnt get her the fuck out of here soon" .... from the looks I got I think it might have been me. :) I'm nice I am.

I am also SO fucking CUTE!!
Coz I bought the wife these. She loved them, I rock.

This Aint Star Trek!!

2009-08-28T09:25:00.004+01:00

So Im on a bit of a Trek kick at the moment, mainly due to the wife having a renewed interest in it, in no small part due to her being rather fond of Zachary Quinto as Spock.
So we actually watched the entire first season of the old Treks as I got the remastered box set and are even working through the movies and have done the first three.

Question is, will I get this one the playlist? (and its ok, this trailer is totally suitable for work)

ah... you never know. After a few bottles of wine perhaps ;)

But I'd still love to check this out as just from the trailer I was laughing at all the nerdy injokes. I remember an interview with Tim Burton where he said he knew he'd made it as a film maker once the first porn parody of one of his flicks came out. Do wonder if stuff like this makes money though as you would imagine the budget to be a hell of a lot higher than your usual "Theres an empty room with a bed in it...GO" movie. I mean, do people really want funny stuff between their porn scenes and do they care about a pretty well done recreation of the Enterprise bridge set? Possibly, hell, I'm talking about it. Not that I'd even pay for this kinda stuff though. I mean, there are only two pornstars who have ever gotten money off me. Jenna Jameson when I bought her autobiography for the wife, and Ron Jeremy when I got his for me. I suppose you could technically also say Jameson made money when I bought the AWESOME Zombie Strippers, but not really counting that.

Anyway, the REAL Star Trek porn doesnt come out till November. I mean, did you see some of the shots of the Enterprise in that movie? Whuf! .....yeah, I am that sad

Random Growlage

2009-08-24T15:52:00.004+01:00

1) Giggly Woman in work is still being giggly woman in work. This does my head in when its "We have no milk... HAHAHAHAAAHAHA" but today when there is a server problem and Im stressing like fuck and she's doing it I start making a note where all the scissors in the office are. Not good.

2) I fucking hate people hiding behind the mental illness thing because you know what... EVERY fucker is mentally ill, theres just levels to it. All this "I have depression... treat me special" bullshit is just that. And worst of all is that dopey fat talentless cunt Kerry Katona. One minute she is all "I'm bi-polar, thats why I do drugs, feel sorry for me" and the next she's doing a fucking reality show about it and playing it like its a fucking cartoon where she has a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. Its like its a gimmick to keep her life on camera going a bit longer.
I've done the crazy thing for a while. Its not a fucking t-shirt you wear.

3) Cricket. I just fucking hate cricket. It slow as shit, takes 4 days to play a game, has scores up in the 100's and STILL somehow works out as a draw sometimes. Sums it up when you hear a commentator say "Well, their best bet now is to hope for rain tomorrow". If your winning a sport relies on shitty weather cutting it short then you can get fucked. Play in the rain you fucking girls. Of course this is probably still all bitterness from being a kid, coming home from school, looking forward to watching Buster Crabbe kick ass on Flash Gordon re-runs on BBC2, then getting told "Tonights episode of Flash Gordon is cancelled so that we can bring you another hour of the cricket that has been on all fucking day". Bunch of cocksuckers. Flash would kick your ass, even if it was slightly overcast.

4) "FAIL". Sorry, seen it again. This one word dismissive fucking review/comment/whatever. Makes me fucking evil as I cant imagine anyone saying it without an arrogant "Please fucking punch me" expression on their face. I should add a "FAIL" button to this blog really.

5) My job description. Only that Im pretty sure IT doesnt cover being called to the factory to be asked "Where can I download a good copy of Transformers 2?"

On the plus side though, my girl makes a HOT vampire chick :)

Izobel McAuliffe

and... why I love Frankie Boyle

How do "worthy" movies make any money?

2009-08-19T09:17:00.002+01:00

Ok, gotta be careful how I word this as it would be easy for me to come across as stupid... yeah, big fucking change.

Anyway, I am "friends" with Rufus Dayglo on Facebook. I put the commas in because this really means I'm a big fucking fan of his work, Im not delusional enough to think this makes us best buds or anything. Anyway, for those who dont know he is the artist on Tank Girl and would appear to also be mates with Lori Petty as he was mentioning her new movie The Poker House which she doesnt star in, but wrote and directed.

So as I've always had a bit of a thing for the lovely and talented Ms Petty ever since she saved Point Break from being a total sausage fest and was kickass in the Tank Girl movie, I was interested and had a bit of a look into it, watched the trailer etc etc

Turns out the movie is the true story of her childhood and chronicles the 24 hour period during which her mothers pimp raped her as a 15 year old.

Now what struck me is WHO goes to see a movie like this? Im not knocking the art or talent that goes into it, or saying films like this shouldnt be made or that they dont deserve to do well.
Its just.... how do they make money? Who is the audience to justify it. And again thats PURELY mercenary financial justification, not artistic. This movie costs money to make, someone has to think they'll at least make this money back, its the nature of the beast. Dont think there is such a thing as art for art's sake any more. You could have a room of 50 very clever people saying it is a work of genius, but that aint gonna cover the budget.

Its like I could NEVER see this movie. Seriously, never. But thats me. I can watch blood and guts on the screen all day, but even an implied rape scene actually makes me feel physically sick. I'd never willingly put myself through how I know this movie would effect me. It may well have an uplifting "Coming through adversity" ending, I dont know if it does or not, but even so the destination for me wouldnt be worth the journey. And if the whole movie is set around the house in which she lives with her drugged up, prostitute mother its not like the rest of it is likely to be any less bleak.
Its not exactly a date movie or even a popcorn one. Even on dvd while it is something I could imagine people seeing, would you buy the dvd so you could watch it multiple times? Would you recommend it to friends or even talk about it due to its subject matter being such a harrowing one, particularly knowing it actually happened?

Its like horrible stuff happens in horror movies (durrr) but then its more of a rollercoaster feel. This is more like a punch to the gut I imagine. Get the feeling its one that its fans will say you "should see" rather than you'll "want to see".

I do hope it does well, Im just struggling to work out how. But hell, Schindlers List made a fortune even if Im sure a lot of people went to see that just to avoid the "You havent seen it? Dont you CARE what happened?" questions.

Zombies - the first wave!!!

2009-08-18T11:20:00.005+01:00

So even though we are running this till the end of the month we've already had a few zombie entries in so thought I would share.
If any of the people who sent this wishes me to take them down, then please let me know and I will.
Dont see why you would though, they rock.
And is it wrong that I love the one just as it'd be an excuse to have us show a zombie chomping into a pretty little bridesmaid's head without me getting shit for it? I have three little neices who might go all Village of the Damned on me if they thought it was my idea.

Women are Pervs!

2009-08-17T13:31:00.002+01:00

So last Saturday we did a big beer thing in town. Hit the pub at 3 in the afternoon, stayed out till about midnight then a gang of us went back to mine to do the beers from the fridge thing.

Come about 2am there was me, my mate Rob, my wife, his wife and a girl we know called Flee. Me and Rob were in the front room trying to play wii kendo whilst unable to focus properly and the girls were all sat in the dining room around the wife's pc. Basically while we were fucking about, they were drinking wine and "looking at guys on the internet". Lots of "I like Robert Downey Jr, find a pic of him... no.. WITHOUT his shirt on". That kinda thing.

However, after about an hour of this, the shouts coming from the other room started to get all kinds of graphic. Lots of "I'd let him....... to me" kind of stuff followed by critiques on the filth by the other two. We were also guessing some younger guys were being looked at as occasionally it would switch from what they would allow to be done to them to what they would teach whoever they were looking at. And it was all decriptive as well.. I mean us guys at best get to "I'd give her one!" , they had it all planned out to the nearest second pretty much.

All of which was very funny and made the serious business of wii sports supremacy very hard to concentrate on.

They did eventually get bored and we all got to bullshitting with music tv in the background and it all ended cooly with Gwen Stefani coming on the tv and one of the girls saying "You know, if I HAD to do a girl...." which they then all ran with for another 5 minutes.

Me and Rob silently raised our beer bottles to each other in a salute to good times :)

Something I learned this weekend

2009-08-16T16:14:00.002+01:00

If two girls in the pub are saying how its weird they look alike and how everyone always assumes they are sisters, the correct response isnt
"Yeah... its kinda like how all spastics have the same face isnt it?"

Lets rip on some shit shall we??

2009-08-14T13:58:00.002+01:00

Because frankly Im in a bit of a fucking growly mood. Mess my girl around and I'll tear you a new one, even if she is too nice and lets it all slide herself. Works the other way round too. I've let people off who have messed me around and she still wants to get creative with sharp objects.
Still though....Pathetic peices of fucking shit.

anyway

Work idiots:
Got a guy working here for a week, covering while another guy is on holiday. All well and good if not for the fact that while he is here he seems to be spending most of his time sending pornographic emails to women in the hopes they jump on a train while work is putting him up in a hotel. We decided to not make a big deal as by the time it was flagged it was his last day. But how fucking dumb do you have to be to send "I want to suck on your hard nipples and make you groan, then touch your wetness" emails on some other fuckers mail account? Just fucking creepy man.

Holidays
I only have one and a half days holiday left free between now and fucking Xmas!! Yeah, granted I got 2 days for my nerdy comic con and another six to go to Spain in October to get wasted on sangria, but still.... one and a half days!! And you know how they will probably be spent? Half day one afternoon when I come in hungover and think I'll die if I stay all day and one full day for when the Batman game comes out because Im such a frigging anorak.

Facebook romantics
Actually, Im saying this and Im sure there are people sick of me and Iz flirting with each other on facebook and all that shit. But at least we arent fucking sickly with it...well I dont think we are anyway. Ours are more "Fancy beer and monkey sex later?".
Here's a little two way I saw this week... do you really want people seeing this kind of thing?? (I'll reduce the names to initials)

A.S. - ♥ ♥ ♥ <--- as much of my heart i can give from 4,000 miles away.
I.S. - Awww...but I want it all! ♥
A.S. - You have it all, right there with you. ♥
I.S. - I do ♥ I'm surprised they let me on the plane with it...hehe... ;-) I hope you're taking care of mine...

GAH! Its like Im stuck in a low budget remake of high school musical. One of them is in their mid 30's as well. Funny though. I'm kinda addicted to it.

Spiders
Last few days I keep seeing huge fucking spiders around the house and its freaking me out a bit. Spiders for me are like ugly chicks... Im not scared of them, but I dont particularly want them on me.
So yeah, yesterday when I was on my pc and one fucking climbed over the back of the keyboard I did briefly lose my shit. That said, he then climbed up the wall and sat on the shoulder of my Harley Quinn figure thing which looked all kinds of cool. Spiders by us are BIG though... well, UK big anyway. Is a bit freaky when you are watching a movie and you can hear one running across the laminate floor.

But you know what? Fuck it all!
Got a boozy, dirty night with my girl tonight, out with a load of mates tomorrow and have friends down to stay as well. This is me being positive. We buying it?

Wanna be in a horror graphic novel??

2009-08-13T10:59:00.007+01:00

So as you might know, I'm writing a horror graphic novel called Damaged Goods for the guys over at Insomnia, all of which is being drawn up by the darkly talented Mark Chilcott.

We have an upcoming story waiting to be drawn that opens with a zombie attack at a wedding and which will feature a double page splash of the top table getting in a bit of trouble... and this is where we'd like you to come in.

What we are looking for are three people. Two to be attacking zombies, one to be a guest... or victim as we like to call them.

All you have to do is send a pic of yourself, ideally either in full zombie mode or in "oh shit... its a frigging ZOMBIE!" mode. And when we say zombie mode we dont necessarily mean makeup or anything, just getting into character a bit. Dont worry about looking horrific, we'll deal with that part :)

Mark will then pick his favourite three and draw you in! We'll also see about getting some nice sized prints of the page to send to you once its all completed and you'll get a namecheck in the credits.
UPDATE : Just been told the three winners will also get a free copy of the book when it comes out!!

To put yourself forward, either post a link to a picture as a reply to this entry, or you can email one to ecbt2000AD@yahoo.co.uk with the subject "Zombie Comp"

Good luck! .... if you can count either being zombified or eaten as lucky

And for anyone who hasnt seen, here is a complete story from the book that we put up as a preview. The full graphic novel is due to come out early next year, and we'll both be on hand at this years Birmingham con with some more preview pages etc

Facebook is fucking weirding me out

2009-08-11T21:41:00.004+01:00

so you know the suggestions thing on Facebook? The one that recommends people you might know? I always figured it works on cross referencing and saying "Hey, two of your friends are also friends with this guy, maybe you want to as well"

So how come its STILL fucking asking me to be friends with my ex-girlfriend? How does it KNOW? We dont have any mutual friends... everyone I know fucking hates her. Actually they did when we were going out as well, maybe that was a sign. But still... what the fuck?

Also asking me if I want to be friends with my boss. Again, no mutual friends.. how does it KNOW? I havent put my job in there. All kinds of creepy. And who wants to befriend their boss just to get the "You updated your status in work time" bollocking?

Ha! but it also asks if I want to be a fan of grilled cheese sandwiches (no, really) and I dont like them... so in your face facebook! Not as fucking clever as you thought are you?

Who else have I got on there.... lots of comic nerds and creators. Fair enough, that'll be a mutual friend thing. Shit, total sausage fest.... sometimes I miss Myspace and its pornstars :(

Random shit

2009-08-11T11:25:00.005+01:00

Phones
The phones are down in work. This is kinda my thing to deal with so I got an engineer in to check all our gear last night, all checked out ok so the only step left is to report this to BT who send an engineer to check their end. Problem is, BT dont really give a toss so they'll do it, but in their own time.
Im used to this though, used to getting phonecalls every half hour with "Are there updates? Have you chased them?". Got a good one this morning though
"I know the phones all are down in the building but I'm expecting an urgent call from home. Can you get MY phone working, just for half hour or so?"
Granted not as bad as the usual "The internet is down, but can I get on facebook at lunchtime" but still....

Games
So yesterday I got two of those motion plus whotsits for the wii and two games... Wii Sports Resort and Grand Slam Tennis. And both were all kinds of fun. The sports resort is basically the upgrade to the original wii sports and like that is cool on your own but WAY better multiplayer. Me and Iz had a very fun hour playing on there last night though for some reason she found the canoeing a lot funnier than it actually seemed. Thought she was gonna pass out from laughing at one point.
The tennis was cool in the little go I had on it. Played as McEnroe and when one of my returns was called out, a little voice from the wii controller speaker went "You cannot be serious!". Little shit like that makes me like things.
Weirdly then spent half an hour playing old atari 2600 games on the wii after finding an emulator. Seriously took me back to the days of renting these on the weekend and spending Saturday mornings camped in front of the tv. Pitfall is still kinda cool.
The main game thing for me at the moment though is that they released the demo for Batman Arkham Asylum. Lets you play through the first 15 minutes, and I have... about 6 times. Yeah, I know.. sad. But hell, Poison Ivy and Harley are just too damn hot ;) Game does seem to actually live up to my incredibly high expectations, so cant wait for it to come out now.

Good Morning Geekdom
So my wife Iz does a podcast called Comic Racks. Well she is also temporarily doing another one called Good Morning Geekdom where she basically talks about nerdy news stuff with Barry Nugent of Geek Syndicate. Listened to the first one this morning and really enjoyed it. Nice for me to listen to a podcast without having to shout "Shut your fucking mouth you dumb cunt!" at least once... which I do on most of the ones I listen to at least once during their duration. What can I say? I like to vocalise.
Anyway - its here if you wanna check it out. Good hour of bullshit deliberately trying to push the good side of nerd-dom instead of bitching about the bad stuff.. or perceived bad stuff anyway.

Crap... how do you write cute again?? & 2000AD bit

2009-08-05T09:53:00.005+01:00

So after a few months where all I've been thinking about is nasty horror and weird vampiric fantasy stuff, I'm now trying to write what could possibly be the last 10 pages of Baby Boomers... and Im really struggling to kick it off! Have totally lost my warner brothers head! Hoping to get back into it before the day is out though.

Anyway, theres still a good few waiting to get posted on the Markosia website and some others still being inked so it'll be a while before they are all published. Still not 100% what is gonna happen with regards it seeing actual print. That was the original deal but know Diamond have shifted the goal posts a bit since then, so small press graphic novels are a bit harder to get out there. Will have to wait and see I suppose.

and on the 2000Ad thing, we did a fucking interview!
Were lucky enough to get PJ Holden to bullshit with us for over 2 hours, which I then trimmed down to a slightly less crazy 90 minutes. Was fun stuff though
Should be posted up here in the next day or so:
http://geeksyndicate.wordpress.com/category/gsn/ecbt-2000ad/

GAH!!! People are fucking STUPID!!

2009-08-04T16:07:00.003+01:00

Had to deal with another fucking flood of sentimental bullshit spam emails today. Here's the text... please try not to cry, its very moving.

Please read and forward to as many people as you can..
You'll understand after reading this. To My Child (don't delete ~ its being tracked)
Just for this morning, I am going to smile when I see your face and laugh when I feel like crying. Just for this morning, I will let you choose what you want to wear, and smile and say how perfect it is.
Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play.
Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together..
Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles..
Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one if he comes by.
Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.
Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.
Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys..
Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you. Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry. Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars. Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favourite TV shows.
Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given. I will think about the mothers and fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms, and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.
And when I kiss you goodnight I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask him for nothing, except one more day...

Hi. I am a 29 year old father. Me and my wife have had a wonderful life together. God blessed us with a child too. Our daughter's name is Rachel, and she is 10 years old. Not long ago did the doctors detect brain cancer in her little body. There is only one way to save her and that is an operation. Sadly we don't have the money for the operation. AOL and Zdnet have agreed to help us. The only way they can help is this: If you send this email to other people, AOL will track this email and count how many people get it. Every person that opens this email and sends it to at least 3 people will give us 32 cent. Please help us. George Arlington - Pray for a Cure

I mean, how much fucking sappy retarded shit can you cram into one mail without puking on yourself?? And who is dumb enough to believe AOL are sat there thinking "You know what? We would like to help little sally brain tumour, but only if you all send each other junk mail first!"
I just cant believe people are that stupid.
And dont want to come across as sexist but its all fucking women forwarding this as well! Thats not an assumption, thats me checking through the previous 30+ forwarders of this and the people they sent it to. Its like "Oh... a child! A SICK child!" and they lose all intelligence!
Why arent they that fucking gullible when WE are trying to sell them a line of bullshit?
Pisses me off - especially as every month I have to again do the "Stop sending this crap and pictures of sparkly kittens with "You are my best friend, send this to 10 of your best friends and you will have a lovely surprise phone call in 2 minutes! Send to less than 10 and god will give you cancer" written on them.

Seriously, Im pissed off, so here is Nicole Kidman back when she was a hot redhead instead of a slightly scary blonde

So.... torture is bad, right?

2009-08-04T10:17:00.003+01:00

Theres this story now about a big enquiry being launched into claims that "the British Government was complicit in acts of torturing terror suspects".
Ok, now if these were definate suspects only then this is a bad thing, but still man... I cant help thinking that if you have some guy who knows when a bomb is likely to go off killing a load of innocent people just to prove his fucking point, then tearing the fuckers balls off to stop this from happening isnt necessarily a bad thing. Always kind of pissed me off that terrorists do their shit outside of the rules, but still expect the people they are attacking to follow certain codes.

And on the subject of enquiries. Does anyone else get the feeling there are people out there whose job it is to conduct these enquiries, and get paid well for doing so, and who keep coming up with more shit to enquire into?
Remind me of those people you get in any medium to large company who seem to live for meetings. Never actually resolve anything other than when the next 4 hour sit around with tea and biscuits will be.

My very surreal Sunday

2009-08-03T08:29:00.003+01:00

Ok, Sunday morning I woke up around 9ish after a late boozy Saturday night.
No wife!
Not that ususual, I kinda assumed that post beer I had been snoring my head off and after giving me a few kicks she'd eventually given up and was sleeping in the spare bedroom. Not the case though. She had got up at 6 and had been downstairs working on her pc.
I'll pause a second as anyone who knows my wife and especially anyone who has stayed at our house on the weekend is currently having a mild seizure!

So after that I got lured by Iz to go to the "Big Welsh Bite" thing going on in Pontypridd. This was basically a load of marquee tents doing craft-y shit and food and stuff. I had this kickass pork roll thing which was made doubly cool by the fact they had the shredded pork on this huge skillet thing but at the top they had the pigs severed head. And it wasnt side on either, they turned it so it was staring at you while you waited for your peice of him. Prety sure it was done just to terrify kids and piss off vegetarians.

Then we walked over to a big enclosure where there were the ladies of the dancing dogs troupe.... yeah.
Well, they said it was dancing dogs, was more dancing middle aged women being circled by dogs really. Was all very weird

Then to end it all we did an interview with 2000AD artist PJ Holden! Went a lot better than I was expecting, mainly due to his being such a cool, laid back guy so we just had fun with it. Of course now I gotta edit the fucking thing (BOO!) but on the plus side he did tell us off the record the cool as fuck thing he is currently working on and even sent us the splash page he had just completed for it.

Best of all personally though... while there are a lot of Damaged Goods pages completed, yesterday I got the first story sent back with the lettering added and it looks GORGEOUS! Am now more excited than ever to get this out there, especially knowing what a good job Insomnia will do putting it all together.

Latest update on all my nerdy stuff

2009-07-30T12:45:00.003+01:00

Damaged Goods
Seriously coming together now. I'm actually happy with the scripts I'm putting in and am getting very good editing/tips to make it even better. Mark's art is just awesome and keeps getting better and darker. And theres also now talk about promotion and getting people to possibly write us an intro which I'm all kinds of excited about. Cant wait till it comes out, will be seriously upset when the ride is over... unless of course I start pimping volume 2 already ;)

Snow
Well its about half written, though most of it needs to go through the editing process which Im kinda looking forward to. Still not got an artist onboard though a few have tried out. Its a tough one... just the main character alone has to look sweet and innocent in one panel, then scary as hell in the next, so you need someone who can do really different things on the same page. Am waiting on some drawings from someone at the moment though who has a really quirky, mixed style... so I have a good feeling. Think overly stylised could work really well for this... give it a kind of dream like quality.

2000AD
Sent off my second "Future Shocks" short story submission this week. Not heard anything about the first one yet but am still keeping with the plan of sending one a month till I either get in or they get sick of me and tell me to stop. They are only 5 pagers though so not too much work and its good practice if nothing else.

2000AD Podcast
Still doing this somehow. Sent off the 7th one yesterday. And am apparently doing an interview with 2000AD artist PJ Holden on Sunday. GAH! What the fuck am I doing interviewing someone? Gonna take lots of prep and pre-skype beers to get this done I reckon.

Other thing
Am still working on another comic-y thing with a mate. Shaping up quite nicely but still very early days. I need to spend more time on it really but wanted to get a few more of the already signed things sorted.

Think thats all my nerdy bullshit for today. I'll be back to biting stuff tomorrow, dont worry.

Things that are pissing me off today

2009-07-27T11:19:00.002+01:00

1) My fucking horribe hangover... pretty much gone now though.

2) I'm on the ground floor in work. Fat bastard comes in asking if the scanner upstairs is working so I say "Yeah... hasnt it always been working?".
"But what about now? Have you used it this morning?"
So basically he didnt want to climb the fucking stairs on the off chance it was suddenly out of order and he'd done that momentous trek for nothing. Honestly I wouldnt mind betting after I fucked him off he rang someone upstairs to check it. Used to be in an office upstairs with him. He was closest to the hall (its all open plan) and literally 10 feet from the managers office, the door of which was always open. He's still ring him though which was weird sat at the other end of the room as you could still fucking hear both sides of the conversation.

3) People asking me to do stuff. Me telling them Im in the middle of something else so will be there in 20 minutes. Then 10 minutes later getting an email cc'd to my boss with a "This problem is STILL not resolved!!!!!"
Seriously... scissors to the fucking eyes. Plus of course I'm now taking my fucking time and dropping them right to the bottom of my priorities list. Its for their own good. Not safe to get within reach of them just yet.

4) Megan Fox. She's hot, but do us a favour ... shut the fuck up. Every time I read a quote of hers the hotness vs retardation scale slips that little bit further into the "Not worth the hassle" category. I'm worried that by Transformers 3 she will be so annoying I wont be able to properly appreciate the gratuitous arse shots between fighting robots.

5) Twitter. Still. Not gonna go into it again.

6) People asking me to fix their pc's. I dont mind being asked the odd question as office techie/nerd, but when it gets to the "My daughters pc cant pick up the internet. Can you come to my house?" they can get stuffed. Had a few turn up at my desk carrying the fucking things as well with a "Can you look at this lunchtime? The cd isnt writing properly" or whatever.

7) "Does that include me?"
This as a response to when I email EVERYONE in the building saying "Due to a problem with the router, there will be no internet access between 10 and 11"
So getting one dumb fuck asking "Does that include me?" really pisses me off. Like Im gonna say
"You know what? Nobody else can get on but yes, I have set it up so you can still access your fucking facebook on the off chance another of your retarded friends has found a baby picture they havent sent you yet. The fucking managing director cant access the online banking system but I've obviously made you a fucking priority". Idiots.

8) Purely as I went to the cinema yesterday... big fucking bags of sweets. Was a family of six sat DIRECTLY behind me who spend the entire movie passing this big bag back and forth of mixed shit. I could tell it was mixed as they all obviously had their favourites which they would spend five minutes noisily trying to find in the dark.

9) The fucking Olympics. Its still 2 years away but its already pissing me off all the smug smiling cunts with their "Look what we have built for the people of Britain" speeches as they show yet another huge facility for the people of London who, to be honest, are only about 50% fucking british anyway. Again, not saying this as a Welsh thing. But ALL of the UK is paying for this shit, so it should be done somewhere central. My geography aint great, but around Leeds or somewhere? Yeah it'd probably be further away for me, but still closer to Scotland and the majority of the people as opposed to sticking it down in the bottom corner where to be honest they have more than enough public funded shit anyway.

10) News story. It was on the news again this morning about this guy... and it IS a fucking guy, who is in prison for murder and attempted rape. Apparently though he is going through a sex change and is now claiming his human rights are being violated because they are refusing to put him in a womens prison. HE is also claiming he is being victimised because the authorities wont allow HIM to have the last stage of his sex change while he is in prison.
You know what? Fuck it. I could rant on this for hours if you wanted but to be fair if you are reading this and thinking anything other than "If he wants to be a woman so much then lets shoot the fucker and bury him in a pink coffin" then Im not gonna convince you otherwise am I?
You kill someone and try to fucking rape somebody you dont have human fucking rights. You've spent them. End of. Plus I hope HE does get his fucking surgery... at the hands of some big fucker with a broken bottle. At the very least it'll stop the cunt from trying to rape anyone else.

The fucking news again and instant experts

2009-07-22T09:38:00.002+01:00

Ok... firstly this was apparently the big UK news story yesterday according to Yahoo.... "Tweed's tears after one night stand"
Lets take this story apart shall we? Just to show how fucking pathetic so called news now is.
Jack Tweed is a fucking nobody. In fact he is less than a nobody... he is "famous" purely because he was screwing Jade Goody, another nobody made famous as a Big Brother contestant.
Just before she died they got married... this in NO way so he could have a claim on her money or to get exposure to further his wanting to be a tv presenter. She died three months ago today.

It has now come out that put his mourning aside for a while to screw a wannabe glamour model who has already been trying to fuck anyone vaguely famous in the hopes for a picture in the papers and who, big fucking surprise, went straight to the press. To counter this though he is now doing interviews about how he cried on the way home after screwing this fit blonde because he felt so wrong about it.
And you know what? Who fucking cares? But again, this is apparently news.

And instant experts.
I dont get it when parents have their kids killed or whatever, how they suddenly become public spokespersons and act like they have a degree in sociology. Its like that kid from Harry Potter who was stabbed. His parents are now petitioning the government on knife crime and rattling off reports and statistics like they are suddenly fucking experts on the subject. Yeah they can be pissed off, but too seemingly suddenly make a career out of it just seems odd.

All Im saying is that if a whale landed on my brother, it wouldnt make me a fucking marine biologist.

Star Wreck : In the Pirkinning

2009-07-20T18:57:00.005+01:00

Star Wreck : In the Pirkinning

A quick plot rundown...
You remember in Star Trek : First Contact where the crew of the Enterprise think they'll be left in the past and will have to blend into society, trying their best not to interfere with history?
Well this kind of picks up from there with this alternative crew having done so and all being total losers. Then their captain (James B Pirk... work with me here) gets wind that history has been changed and that their equivalent of Starfleet will never get formed, leaving Earth open to attack. So to counter this he takes over the Earth making himself Emperor and soon sets his sights on other dimensions!!!
In fact, three wont do it...
OTHER DIMENSIONS!!!!!!! Yup, its Captain Kirk meets Captain Picard meets Stalin.

Where to start? Ok, lets get the stuff that'll make you think "Why the fuck would I want to see this movie?" out of the way....

Its Finnish (not itself a bad thing) but with subtitles

It's made by amateurs.

Its incredibly silly and the plot is pretty nonsensical

The acting is at best pantomime level

Ok, but what about the good stuff? Well firstly and most shallow, this girl is in it. What? She's cute and spends the movie in thigh high boots. Cuter than any of the girls in the real Star Trek!

Secondly the effects are REALLY good. I mean at least tv sci-fi level good if not huge budget movie good. I actually thought they had spliced in clips from the Trek tv shows but its all done specifically for this and is kick ass. And there are a hell of a lot of them as well. When I saw the trailer I thought "Well thats probably all the effects in the movie crammed in the 2 minutes" ...its not. It is almost a shame the live action bits are so silly as you could re-cut the effects into a serious action flick.

Also while I'm 99% sure its all done on bluescreen the sets actually look pretty cool most of the time, especially the ship bridges. It really does feel like these guys sneaked onto a real Trek movie set after hours and filmed thier stuff before getting caught.

Thirdly, yeah this is all done by amateurs in their spare time, but you do get the feeling that they are loving it and you kind of side with them even while cringing. Its the ultimate in silly fan fiction and I just admired them for doing it, even if I would have loved a quick go at the script before they started filming.

And lastly, the new dimension they attempt to conquer and have the big dust up with... its the Babylon 5 universe.
Now you find me any proper nerd who doesnt get a little smile at the thought of Trek vs B5 space battles. All the ships you know are there and all are in full fighting mode.

I mean, tell me you can watch this trailer and not want to check it out.

Still not sold? Ok, how about if I tell you its FREE?
Yeah, apparently the only way they can do this movie and not get sued to hell by the Trek and Babylon 5 people is to make it freely available. You can get it on dvd apparently which they call the Imperial Edition but I think they had to tweak the effects with to make the ships less obvious copies. That might not be in all regions though.

For the fun, free version I watched last night though, just go here scroll down to the direct download section and get the subtitles avi.
Job done.
And here is the official site if you want to check out more info.

Thugs

2009-07-20T11:05:00.002+01:00

Not mentioned this on here I dont think.... its ANOTHER comic Flint is drawing and not only is the second issue now out, but they've also been cool enough to let me write little one page ads in the back of them. The one in their first issue was a riff on the Hostess Twinkies adverts, the second (which is below) was on the OJ Simpson's cowboy boots one, and the next will be a take on the famous Charles Atlas body building ad. Been fun to do and also love getting a page in a book I've been enjoying so much

You can check it out for free, here
And here are issues one and two

Here's the original OJ ad

Here's my take using one of their characters who they intimated might not be quite as macho as he makes out

Everything Comes Back to 2000AD ep 6

2009-07-16T11:38:00.006+01:00

Yeah, we did another one!

In this one we go over the Dredd Case Files vol 5 and the City of the Damned story then fuck about with progs 7, 1641 and 1642.

Still enjoying doing these even if I HATE editing. Probably enjoy talking about the older issues more as they can be a little 70s cheesy. That said, getting nerdy about ABC Warriors and confused as to why Cradlegrave is so fucking popular with the online mob is also good after a few beers.

Thinking about asking Flint how he feels about us dragging in a guest nerd on the next one.

Also still a bit freaked how little abuse we've gotten over these as its basically us bullshitting as opposed to being serious and insightful. There was one guy on the 2000AD boards who acted like he caught us fucking his wife using his prize poodle as a condom, but other than that people seem in on the mood of it.
Hell, we've even got nice comments sent from the 2000AD offices which is a surprise as I would have expected a cease and desist order.
Now if I can just con the bastards into commissioning the Future Shocks script I posted in.

Anyway...

Heres the direct link to the mp3

The 2000AD boards

And heres the link to the Geek Syndicate page

I work with the Evil Dead!

2009-07-15T14:03:00.002+01:00

No, not the monsters who bring their babies in...
I've moved offices. Theres this woman in the one Im in now.
She laughs at the end of EVERY sentence. And proper laughing as well, not a little chuckle or whatever.

I decided half an hour ago to post this so made a note of the last half dozen things she said which reduced her to tears

You can make some toast if you like but there is only brown bread

I sneezed twice in a row and I never sneeze twice in a row

We are all out of black pens, there's only blue

This invoice is free of charge

While you were at lunch Dave rang for you

Its raining

I'm a little fucking disturbed... and not in my usual way.

Getting in first

2009-07-14T09:51:00.002+01:00

I thought I'd beat the rush and slag off a load of new movies coming out this year in typical online retard fashion. Helps if while you read this you imagine me with my arms folded angrily while sitting in my room waiting for my mummy to bring me my sandwich once she has re-done it and cut off the crusts like she KNOWS I LIKE IT!

# Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince
Totally unbeleivable. This is supposed to be their sixth year at Hogwarts and the cast are all plainly eight years older. TOTALLY ruined the entire thing for me and also caused my dvd's of years 1-5 and my hardback novels to burst into flames. Plus there is a bit where Harry is flying on his broomstick being chased by a three headed dragon and he slides off his broom without getting a SINGLE splinter! Yeah, right. Like THAT would happen! Totally stupid.

# G-Force
Ahhh... little hamsters talking. They are so CUTE! But there was one scene in it with HUMANS! Five whole minutes of them without any hamsters on the screen. I didnt pay to see humans. Total rip off!

# G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra
Not only wasnt there anyone called Joe, there wasnt even a cobra in it! All it was was a load of fights and action! Nothing like when I was a kid and I'd make my GI Joe's sit around talking philosophy for hours at a time! No depth at all. SHIT! And it was directed by the guy who did the Mummy and even though I liked that at the time, the internet has told me its shit.. so this is as well.

# Inglourious Basterds
Oh yeah, right. Like we are supposed to beleive a little country like Germany could ever take on the whole WORLD in a war! And why call it World War 2? Surely it should be the German War 2? It was just stupid. Made no sense. And not once did they explain why the Jewish soldiers hated the nazis so much. Are they just expecting me to work it out for myself?

# Jennifer's Body
The effects were shit. Did you see Megan Fox? Nobody looks like that. Real girls are plain and ugly like the ones I know. She was all thin and pretty. Totally unbeleivable.

# Zombieland
At the start there are zombies and the people stay and fight them! How stupid is that? It made no SENSE. Nobody would really do that. The movie should really have been 90 minutes of them all in a locked room being really quiet in case any zombies heard them. That would have been much more logical.

# Astro Boy
HATED this movie. It was totally disrespectful to the cartoon I watched when I was 4 and thought was AWESOME! Watching this movie now as a 30 year old was SHIT. Its like they made it for little kids or something!

# The Wolfman
SHIT! When the guy turned into the Wolf he was at least 2 feet taller but his trousers didnt rip! Totally unveleivable. Also he was more of a man than a wolf so why wasnt it The Manwolf? It made no sense.

# Sherlock Holmes
Theres a crime at the start and you dont find out exactly who did it and exactly how it was done till the end when Holmes solves it all! I spent the whole film not knowing what had happened and was totally confused. SHIT! Plus there wasnt one mention of Basil the Mouse Detective in the entire thing. Its like they are raping my childhood!

Weird stuff

2009-07-09T14:40:00.003+01:00

So today I've been trying to work out the mechanics of the best way to restrain a zombie girl but leaving her the use of her hands so she can feed herself stuff you bring, whilst also allowing her to safely be put in a position where you could fuck her.
Ahhh, the joys of writing messed up horror stories. Think I cracked it though and I have a cool idea for a page where the little mechanical thing the guy has built up all kicks to life.

Also rattling around are ideas for covers, the beats of a vampire vs witch kick ass matrix fight and how to end this one story I need to get out of my head. Its already looking to be the darkest thing I've written and to be honest I cant see it fitting in our Damaged Goods book, but until I write it I have to carry it around in my head which isnt good. Got 90% of it, but not the ending.

Luckily I do have more than enough fucking evil brewing that I have to keep in and not nail any dumb fucks to walls with, so sure I'll come up with something suitable. Weird thing is, this one is my mother's fault as she was telling me about how when babies are still born they hospital gives you the option to get a family photo with it anyway and they dress it up and stuff.

Anyway, zombie chick one first. So just for Jennifer who loves me using the most tenous links to post a hottie pic, I've done up Mindy Clarke whose zombie turn in Return of the Living Dead 3 was ALL kinds of sexy to teenage me. Not too shabby now actually

Not to get into the Michael Jackson thing....

2009-07-08T15:50:00.004+01:00

BUT :)

Ok, he's dead. He wasnt that old. Its a shame. And yeah, I liked a lot of his music and would seriously doubt anyone who lived through the 80's and didnt say the same. I still remember the first time I saw the Thriller video as a kid the way the generation before talk about the frigging moon landings. It really was that big a deal to me and everyone else I knew at the time.

But, what is pissing me off is the facebook thing. Lots of people liked his stuff regardless of the stories flying around about him and in the last week lots have had "RIP Michael Jackson" or "Played the Bad album for the first time in years today, forgot how good he was" type posts.
Understandable, right?

Whats getting me though is every time someone does one of their friends, as only friends can comment on your status things, feels the need to come back with the same fucking line
"Are we supposed to respect a CHILD MOLESTOR now?"
and you know what else? Nine times out of ten its someone who's profile pic is them holding their fucking kid. Those pathetic fucks who suddenly stopped being themselves and turned into "super parent" the day they had a family. You can almost feel their smug fucking grin as they "do right for the little children everywhere". Fuck them the self righteous bastards.

And for the record, even if he did do half the things they said he did, its not like he was kidnapping kids off the street. I kind of equate it to parents who go to a zoo and push their kid in the hyena cage hoping to sue the zoo for damages. Any kid he did do stuff with was PUT there by people who should have known better. Not saying he was blameless IF it's all true, but he wasnt a fucking predator. I dont think he could hunt down a fucking sandwich without 3 people helping him to be honest.

Fucking monkeys?!?!?

2009-07-06T10:48:00.002+01:00

No, not the idiots in the cinema munching nachos during Transformers 2 last night... REAL monkeys.
Im driving to work this morning and there was a van in front of me, all painted up as the "South Wales Ape and Monkey Sanctuary Rescue Ambulance". Now I didnt know this place existed but it does. See? Check it out
But what bothered me wasnt that there is a monkey sanctuary in South Wales as why not have somewhere schools can go to and all that. What bothered me is why they need an ambulance.
Ambulance implies the need to race off to help OTHER apes and monkeys in south wales outside of the sanctuary.

WHERE THE FUCK ARE THESE MONKEYS? Who dials 999 with a monkey emergency warranting an ambulance?

I'm a little concerned.

Some shit in the news

2009-07-03T15:06:00.002+01:00

Murray wished good luck by Beckham

Ok, over and above the "Who fucking cares" and "Is it really news?" that one sports guy from the UK hopes the other UK guy wins. The thing that fucking grinds me (and I KNOW I keep going on about this) is that the entire fucking basis for the news story is the "What's up? Had a hit, back in lockers. Good luck message from david beckham last night. Thanks!" post Murray put up on his fucking Twitter. Still cant beleive at least two stories a day now are based on what some "celebrity" tweets. Are we really that fucking stupid? And is it really journalism to just follow every famous fuck who is milking Twitter and then padding their 140 characters with a few paragraphs of mindless shit of your own?

Swine flu death toll rises to four

Ok, the thing I dont get about this is that in true UK reporting "LETS SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF EVERYONE" form, it says that even though only four people have died from this, all of whom I think had complications of their own anyway, they still get in the line that by the end of the month there could be 100,000 new cases a day. Way to frighten the retards.
I also have a big "Fuck you" to the fact its apparently a big deal that the first Londoner has died... as of course thats where all the real people live. Maybe they should put an extra 5% on everyones taxes and build a huge UK Swine Flu center... down in London where its easiest for everyone to get to. You know, like all the other "For the whole country" shit you do and cram down that one bottom corner.

The Game apologises to 50 Cent

Not even gonna comment on the amount of cock sucking bullshit crammed into this one "story". Just fuck off or better yet keep playing at gangsters and kill each other. Its what Tupac woulda wanted.... idiots.

On the plus side though.... hot chick in a Zatanna costume. What? I need cheering up goddamnit, this planet is pissing me off. Just had a big fucking crisis as the works internet and email connection was down and found it was some prick who had unplugged the router to charge his mobile phone.
Im taking my happy thoughts where I can get 'em

Another variation on the online whinging fuckers theme

2009-07-01T10:35:00.002+01:00

So as everyone knows any time a movie comes out within 10 minutes there are copies of it floating around the net, right?
Not gonna get into the rights and wrongs argument of this. If I really want to see a film, I see it in the cinema because I want the full effect. End of.
My problem though is the online bitching about these copies once they start popping up.
Honestly the way people fucking whine about the picture not being perfect or the sound having a slight buzz you'd think they'd just paid to see it and were complaining to a cinema manager demanding a refund.

Someone dared call the pricks on this on one forum I was looking at and the rallying cry was "Well if you handed me a turd I'd complain about that as well!"

True, but if you went out of your way to find a turd and then picked it up, the only "lame" fucker in the equation is you. If you want to watch an AWESOME movie like Star Trek via a sub perfect copy on your tv, fine. But dont then complain its not as good as people are making out. You might as well listen to Sgt Peppers underwater and rant about how the Beatles arent as good as people say they are.

Review - Judge Dredd Case Files vol 5

2009-06-30T20:00:00.002+01:00

I've been reading and loving these Case Files books, or as the fans affectionately call them "the phone books", for the last few months and have now got myself quite a cool little collection. But this Dredd volume was a first for me.

You see all the others I have, the earlier Dredd's, the Strontium Dogs, Nemesis the Warlock etc, I could clearly remember reading in the past. This was the first of the Dredd books where I wasnt able to definately say I had read them all in single issues as a kid, so the big question was would they hold up without the rosy glow of nostalgia?

Obviously the answer was a resounding yes.

As with the later of the previous volumes, what you get here is a mix of shorter stories thrown in with one or two of the epic 20 or so part stories Wagner and Grant were so fond of doing at the time. As you would expect with a collection spanning 62 issues of 2000AD the odd short story falls a little flat but overall the quality is very high.

The only story I out and out didnt like was Assault on Block 4, based purely on the horrible design of the mutated assasins in there, but as this only covered 2 of the 62 strips reprinted this soon came and went. The standout of the shorter runs is probably Judge Death Lives which gives us the return of Judge Death and the introduction of his three accomplaces, Judges Fire, Fear and Mortis, all rendered beautifully by Brian Bolland and which contains what is possibly the most well known single panel of any Dredd strip, the "Gaze into the Fist of Dredd" classic.

The second half of this 384 page monster is taken up by two of the epic tales I mentioned earlier. First is Block Mania which details a kind of civil war between residential blocks in the city and the second is The Apocalypse War in which Mega City One is attacked by East Meg forces. Both these were excellent but I must admit I was a little surprised at the brutality shown by Dredd in the second arc. Even though it is a full war situation it his "Take No Prisoners, Kill them All" mentality and disregard for the East Meg civilians safety was a little shocking. When about to launch a nuclear strike on the enemy a soldier pleads with Dredd to think of the "half a billion people in my city", a request he flatly denies. While he was at war his lack of compassion for the civilians even after discovering they were held in fear by a ruthless War Marshall seemed a little hard nosed... even for Dredd!

Despite that minor niggle though, this was another cool volume to read and stick up on the shelf and as soon as I work through the Nemesis the Warlock collection I'll be back for volume 6.

What if the real world was more like comics? - A dumb cartoon

2009-06-30T12:39:00.002+01:00

Click for readable size... if you REALLY feel the need.

Check it out... Im an official reviewer!!

2009-06-29T14:21:00.003+01:00

So last week I got sent a dvd screener of the movie Red Mist to review.
Not a downloaded off the internet screener, an OFFICIAL one. One sent to me direct from the fucking studio!

All a bit mental. Got it via Barry Nugent who wanted me to write it up for his GeekSyndicate website. Some might say he was being generous. Some might say he wanted my take on it as a long time horror movie fan. Some might say that despite being a tough little bugger he is a total pussy where horror films are concerned and didnt want to watch it himself.

Anyway, my full review is up here if you want to see just how badly I did it.

Looking like I might get to do another one this week as well which could be cool especially as the trailer for the movie looks all kinds of messed up. Now I just need to get on Jenna Jamesons review list...

I am so fucking sick of retarded bitching movie "fans"

2009-06-25T15:11:00.002+01:00

Ok, I dont like EVERY movie I see. There are lots I think are just bad - Catwoman, Stardust, and then a few that seriously annoy me because of the amount of dumb choices they made - Superman Returns.

But I am still able to watch movies and go "Yeah, that was ok. Fun enough two hours" or whatever.
It seems I am now in the fucking minority now as all movies either have to be "AWESOME!" or "THE BIGGEST PILE OF SHIT EVER!!"
And often the reasoning for calling a movie shit is because of one plot point, usually in an action movie where to be fair the plot is secondary at best, which then apparently spoils the entire film. Its like "I couldnt enjoy the part where the giant robot had that fight on the top of that building with the 60 helicopters because earlier the guy said he was driving a 79 Mustang when it was OBVIOUSLY a 78!!! Totally ruined the movie for me"

you know what? Fuck off back to your fucking mums house. Im sure she'll make you your tea JUST how you like it and tell you you're important. And you know what? Thats the problem. Its spoilt brats who want everyhing JUST how they like it. Or worse, as Im one of them, comic fans who want their movie to be as good as the best of their favourite character, usually totally ignoring the fact that of the 500 issues the character has been in, at least 200 have been passable at best. But no, it has to match that perfect 8 issue run from 1987... but without ripping that off of course.

Its the fucking Aintitcool mentality where its cool to rubbish every fucking thing thats made while stupidly holding up films from your childhood as sacred and perfect. And you know what? They really fucking arent.
You take the same 35 year old bitching about the new Star Wars movies back in a time machine and show him the original trilogy for the first time and I promise you he'll complain about the "gay golden robot" , "The stupid teddy bears in the third one" and the fact "Vader is his father and Leia is his SISTER? Thats SO LAME. How could anyone beleive that? Its such a stupid coincidence!" "And how come Luke can fly an X-Wing", "Why would Han Solo come back at the end?" , "How shit was the lightsabre fight between obi-wan and vader?" etc etc etc

Same as the Nukedthefridge site which I did read till today but their "Worst movie of the decade" review for Transformers 2 was the same bullshit as ever. I suppose you should expect it when they are named after the whiny bitch rallying cry for Indiana Jones 4 which yeah was a bit silly, but it was also fun... KINDA LIKE THE FIRST FUCKING THREE. Dropped them as well now. I like the tidbits about upcoming stuff but the fact they and sites like them seem to relish smugly ripping everything that does come out pisses me off. You can feel them wanking themselves off with their free hand with each "worst scene EVER" comment they type.

Last few months we've had Wolverine and Terminator 4. Neither of which were perfect or great works of art or had any intention of being such. But they were fun action flicks. I havent seem Transformers 2 yet but based on the first I'm sure this falls into the same bracket.

You wanna tell me they were a bit silly or didnt make total sense. Fine.
You wanna tell me they were shit or the worst movie ever and you can fuck off.
Maybe its because I'm just happy that genre films like this are being made at all and can remember watching the Captain America tv movies on video because it was the nearest I could get even though its Captain America in name only. I'd rather a silly Fantastic Four movie than none at all and no... I dont give a fuck if Galactus was just shown as a force of nature as opposed to a 40ft guy in a purple hat.

Just try and enjoy stuff for what it is. Because if you dont the only prick is you as they still have your fucking money and all you have is your complaints which to be honest nobody gives a shit about.

Death Note – or “Popping your Manga cherry”

2009-06-23T15:35:00.002+01:00

So about two years back a mate of mine was giving me some playful grief about the fact I wasn’t, in his eyes, very experimental with regards the comics I was reading. I always kept in my safety zone of superheroes apparently which made me a BAD COMIC NERD! So I decided to pick up three graphic novels I would otherwise have never bothered with and give them all a full read.

Firstly I went for the “Slice of life/relationships/the one people recommend to girls” comic and read the first Strangers in Paradise pocketbook which was 360 pages of people whining about their feelings while looking longingly at that person they loved, but couldn’t tell, and who didn’t fully appreciate the wonderful human being right in front of them and blah blah fucking blah. Why this book is so popular when you can just watch daytime soaps for free I’ll never know.

My second pick was a true life/autobiographical book and I went for the multi award winning Fun Home which was AWFUL. Well, it was well done technically, but the central character was such a pretentious, self centered tosser that you just wanted her to get hit by a car or get shot all the way through. Knowing of course that it wouldn’t happen as otherwise who would have written the book?

My last pick… Manga.
Now my exposure to manga is very limited. I read the first few volumes of Akira and didn’t love it, though I do like the animated version which is of course much reduced. I’d also read and loved some Hideshi Hino horror books which were amazing. But all these were library borrows, never purchases. Also like a lot of people I was very wary of buying Manga as a lot of it has the deserved reputation of being a bit pervy. Way too many schoolgirls who cant blink hard without their skirts flying up around their necks, that kind of thing.

But as I knew a few people who were into and watching the ongoing cartoon and who assured me it was “people looking over your shoulder safe” I picked up the first volume of Death Note and was immediately hooked.

The basic story is that there are Gods of Death in another dimension each of whom has a Death Note book. If they just write your name in it while thinking of your face you have a heart attack and die in 40 seconds. Or if they want they can get creative and write “John Smith is hit by a car at 11.30pm” etc and if it is possible for that to happen, it will.
One of these Death Gods, Ryuk, is bored and decides to leave his Death Note where a human, Light Yagami, can find it. Upon realising what it is, Light decides to make the world a better place by using the book to kill criminals under the alias Kira. The authorities eventually realise what is happening after Kira goes public with his intentions and they assign the unorthodox detective “L” to track down and capture Kira, despite growing public support for what he is doing.

From there you have the cat and mouse battle of wits between L and Kira while the death god Ryuk looks on and the whole situation twists, turns and escalates at a rapid pace.

Like I said, I LOVED this and from then on was buying two volumes at a time and ordering the next two when I neared the end. There are 12 volumes in total and a thirteenth which is basically like the bonus disk on a dvd… lots of behind the scenes with the creators, that kind of thing. Every time you think you know where it is going it takes a cool twist and it had more genuine “Oh my god, did they REALLY just do that?” moments than any other comic I have read.

To go into it more would mean spoiling plot points past the first books setup which I really don’t want to do. All I will say is that I don’t know anyone who has read the first volume and not immediately wanted the second. This book went straight into my top 5 all time comics/graphic novels and might even have gone straight to the top if not for my love of Garth Ennis’ Preacher.

The only downside? While this has now left me open to trying more Manga I haven’t yet found anything to touch it. All the other stuff has been of the type with the crazy big eyes and people becoming cartoons when agitated. Death Note isn’t like that. The world of Death Note feels real. This is why the presence of the death gods is such a big deal.

I have also watched the complete cartoon series which was also very good and is literally the comic re-done panel by panel. I also have all three of the movies on dvd. Death Note 1 & 2 and the L : Save the World prequel. The first movie pretty much follows vol 1 of the books until its last 20 minutes, then this and the sequel go off on their own alternative version of the story which while very different is also very cool in its own right. I would definitely recommend checking out the movies but as with most things, I’d do the books first.

So yeah. Give it a go. Just don’t blame me when you have to buy all 13 books

Aiming High... another boring writng post (sorry)

2009-06-23T11:11:00.002+01:00

So yesterday I made another attempt at this comic writing malarkey by sending a script submission into 2000AD. You can only do this for Future Shock stories which have to be a strict 5 pages in length but Im quite in with the whole short story format so that was pretty easy to work to. Seen lots of people online who have tried this and struggled with the length. Dont know if its because the first things I did were all one pagers, but 5 pages for me is more than enough to get a quick story across.

Sent an alien invasion story with a twist and a bit of humour, which they usually like, so fingers crossed. Not actually expecting anything to come from this, but its still good practice and I have it in my head to write one 5 pager a month and every time one comes back with a "Thanks... but no thanks", I'll have another ready to mail off. Worst case I get a collection of 2000AD rejection letters to put on the wall :)
And of course, I can now say to myself that I at least tried. I grew up reading 2000AD so even the thought that the powers that be there will actually read one of my short stories is pretty awesome.

Sending off my application to go to Birmingham Comic Con as a "pro" today as well. Dont worry, Im not arrogant enough to tag myself as one yet, but the guys at Insomnia want me on their table for a bit as I have two ongoing projects with them that we can hopefully preview, so I need a name badge and all that jazz. They told me to do it, honest! Kinda weird, but kinda cool.

The Return of Steve Rogers! - A dumb cartoon thing

2009-06-17T16:17:00.002+01:00

Click for full size readability

Ebay, podcasts and Im gay.... apparently

2009-06-17T11:32:00.002+01:00

Ok Ebay first, I scored the COOLEST SHIT off there! YOu ready for this? Ok, for under £20 total including postage I got 4 Monster Fun annuals (1978, 80, 81 & 82) and an unopened box of Batman Returns stickers from when the movie came out. So thats a box of 60 packs!
No fucking idea what Im gonna do with the stickers. Still makes me grin though so worth the £4 it cost me.
The annuals though are a total throwback as Monster Fun was my fave comic as a little kid. Its kinda like The Beano but instead of schoolkids its all vampires and monsters. See? Even then I was into this kind of shit. I actually really want to put together a book of monster comic stories for kids. Have about 5 written up. Have to try and actually do something with them at some point.

On podcasts, the fourth of the 2000AD one me and Flint do has gone up on which I am FUCKING WASTED. Despite that we still manage to do 3 issues and also the Zarjaz fan mag which I'm now set on getting a story in. Link and more info and all that crap about the podcast is here

And yeah... gay.
So yesterday I was having an evil busy day and I get a call to go over the factory offices to look at an urgent pc problem.
I get there and its a guy who is watching the rugby game on the internet and wanted to know why there was no sound. You would explain the whole "Its a work pc, there are no printers" but if he isnt getting the "Why are you telling me you are doing this when you should be working" thing, the speaker deal might be lost on him.
Then coming across the factory someone else asked me about it so I obviously told them to piss off and got "So you dont like rugby? Football fan are you?" to which I said "Not really". So this got a confused "So which sport DO you like?" and when I answered none the reply was "Eh? Are you gay or something?"

Yeah... I dont get excited about a load of men running around in shorts and grappling with each other for 90 minutes, so obviously I'm fucking gay.

Star Trek remastered... what? Im a fucking nerd!

2009-06-16T14:07:00.003+01:00

So for my birthday my bro got me season one of the remastered Star Trek dvds. This if you dont know is the old 60's stuff with a digital clean up and redone effects. And yeah, this is because of the new movie which got me pining for some old school Kirk, Spock and McCoy.

Now I was kinda against this at the start thinking they were going to do a Star Wars and there would be horribly obvious state of the art cgi dropped in, but on these they REALLY work. Yeah, the effects are better but they have kept the same designs and not gone too overboard so it basically looks how you remember it looking. This opposed to when you watch the originals now and think "Wow... that ship looks a bit rubbish, I remember it looking better"

Watched the first one with Iz last night, who enjoyed it a lot more than she was expecting, and she didnt even realise the effects had been redone as they fit in so well. Looking forward to working through the rest of them now

Heres a nerdy vid compairing one against the other.

Something that pisses me off (yeah, surprise I know)

2009-06-15T14:51:00.002+01:00

Ok, was discussing this with the lovely wife last week. I got this thing about people who want the fucking sympathy or to act indignant when they arent the one who had the bad thing happen.

To explain a bit, there are two types. The first is the work one. I really get pissed off when someone hands in their notice then acts like they have just been fired. You seen people like that? There was a guy here who did that and was seriously stropping about the place and badmouthing his boss like he had just been kicked out. You gave in your notice you prick. YOU are the one leaving them in the shit. Dont act all hard done by even if you do think you werent appreciated before now. Even once he left he was still emailing in his bitches and digs to people... how fucking pathetic a life do you have to have for that to matter to you?

And the same goes, and doubly so, for people who dump someone then want you to know how hard its been for them. And ESPECIALLY if they've done so to be with someone else. Dont fucking moan about how upsetting its been for you knowing they are so sad. Nobody fucking cares.
And if the person you dumped wants to bitch about you, then let them. They're the rules man. If you ever cared for them you take that shit and let them do whatever they need to get them through the situation you put them in.
But again this "Oh, its been so hard for ME and nobody understands" crap just makes anyone who has been dumped themselves (so pretty much everyone) just want to punch you in the fucking mouth.

I've done this from both sides and when it was me leaving someone else I at least had the fucking decency to let her say whatever she liked about me if it made her feel better and not try and do the "I know you knew her first... but you are still my friend, right?" shit with any of our mates at the time. Yeah I lost a few good buds, but she needed them more than I did.
And when it was me who was dumped I needed the people to say "Yeah, she was a bitch, you are better off without her" even if they were probably lying.

Transformers 2 - The cut to the fucking chase version

2009-06-11T16:19:00.001+01:00

Click to enlarge and all that

The Burke and Hare graphic novel and why its got me jazzed

2009-06-11T10:21:00.004+01:00

So, a graphic novel has come out from the guys at Insomnia called Burke and Hare which they are calling a "bio-graphic" novel.
Ahhhh, clever.

Anyway its a fact based graphic novel telling the story of the famous serial killers from the 1800's and is the first of Insomnia's new Vigil Books line in which they'll be telling historical and biographical stories in the comic medium.

So you are probably thinking.... well, thats all very nice and impressive, but why do you give a toss you selfish Welsh fucker?

Well, two reasons. Firstly this book has an intro by Alan Grant, one of my all time fave writers and also has art included from people such as Frank Quitely and Gary Erksine. And this is the publishers I am doing my two graphic novels with! Cant wait for my stuff to get out now though knowing the evil editor lady I have she'll probably get Jamie Oliver to do an intro or something just to wind me up. Regardless its still crazy for me to see the same company who have taken my stuff on putting out real professional books like this as I still have it in the back of my head mine will be done on a photocopier and stapled up.

And the second? My mother in law.
She is cool and that, but a TOTAL snob, especially about literature and stuff. So I now have it in my head I need to try and get a pitch in for this new line just so I can say "Yeah, Im having a book published about the early life of Chaucer (or whoever)" just to wind her up. Seriously it would partially piss her off and partially make her happy as she could do the "Oh yes, my son in law, he writes text books" and leave off the whole comic book part.

Frigging 12A certificate

2009-06-07T17:31:00.002+01:00

Ok, you know the deal with this right? It means an adult can take a kid of any age into the cinema with them for films deemed suitable for over 12's. Its the parents responsibility and all that.

I got no problem with that. I got no problem if your fucking kid gets traumatised by whats going on in the movie and has nightmares for the next six months.
What I do mind is that the movie is designed for older people, doesnt hold your hand all the way through, so during Terminator 4 all I can hear from various spots around the cinema is
"Daaad, why is he doing that?"

SHUT THEM THE FUCK UP. Dont fucking then start explaining the movie to them you cocksucking pricks. I dont want to have to hear your dumbed down synopsis every 15 minutes as your stupid fucking kid gets confused.
You know what they should do? Have one screening a day where you can take kids in, then the only people you annoy are other parents who are also more concerned with explaining shit than watching the actual movie.

Oh, good flick though despite that. Really enjoyed it

Batman and Robin #01 - Review thing

2009-06-05T10:21:00.003+01:00

Gonna spoil the shit outta this and by extension the end of Battle for the Cowl. Cool? Ok then

Lets start with the stick I have up my arse over Grant Morrison.
Been a fan of his writing for years, but his major output in 2008 namely Batman RIP and Final Crisis really put me off him. Both works divided the nerd community and I fell squarely in the "pretentious wank" category as both seemed more about showing how clever the writer was than delivering an entertaining story. I like books with levels you can go into, like Watchmen for example, but you can just read Watchmen as a cool whodunnit if you want to. Morrisons stuff didnt have that entertaining surface level to it, it was just confusing for the sake of it. Batman RIP especially annoyed me in particular the ending which seemed tagged on and pointless.

Why am I telling you all this? So you know how hard a sell I was on this book.

This was Morrison coming back to Batman after, in my opinion, fucking it up. If it had been my call they wouldnt have let him back on and definately wouldnt have been making a big deal about it. That said, I love the character, I wanted to be proven wrong.

Issue one seems to have done that.

This book basically is the first outing of the new Batman and Robin, these being Dick Grayson and Damian Wayne. Grayson obviously being the original Robin who has reluctantly taken on the role of Batman and Damian being Bruce's son.
The dynamic between them is played very well and reminiscent of when Bruce Wayne first took on Jason Todd who was also a bit of a shit and who I have to admit was probably my fave of the Robins, though I am in the minority with that. They were both characterised really well and I really enjoyed both their interactions with Alfred who as always is the rock in the Batman books. Looking forward to seeing how Gordon takes it and if they will pretend he is too dumb to notice a new guy under the cowl. Would hope Grayson admits who he is to him from the off.
A new villain is introduced called Pyg who is genuinely disturbing and will be a good warm up for the Joker confrontation we know they are counting down to.
Art by Frank Quitely is excellent as always and I gotta admit I was totally won over by this book and am eagerly waiting for issue 2.

Nice work Mr Morrison, it was a pleasure to be proven wrong.

More random rantage

2009-06-05T09:26:00.002+01:00

Maternity Managers
Ok, Im not denying anyones right to shit out kids if they want to. But it is a bit stupid that if someone says they want 6 or 9 months maternity leave off, that companies have to keep their exact same position open for them even if they are a manager.
This is especially when they then come back, say "Im only going to work 2 days a week now" and spend one of those days showing pictures to other retards of their kid pulling the same dumb expression with different backgrounds, and the other day in meetings with their departmen to be caught up on what they missed the rest of the week. Why do you need to be caught up? They manage fine the rest of the week while you are sat at home. Does my fucking head in.

BMW's
I cant work out if its that cunts buy BMW's or that having one makes you drive like a cunt. Was going to my folks in the week and there were roadworks on the motorway. One of those deals where one lane was out so you get those "Lane ends in 600 yards" "500 yards" "400 yards" type signs. By 400 everyone was in the open lane EXCEPT BMW's! Seriously about 6 of them tore down the outside doing the "I'll get to the top and just push in" thing. Its handy they do all drive those cars as I actually do now treat BMW's the same as I do cars with learner plates on them. You anticipate them doing something stupid in advance. Still like to shoot the dumb fuckers though.

Hot girl story
So I got called out by Jennifer for ranting about stuff purely as an excuse to put in a babe pic on here. Well I had used any excuse in a post to put in a girl pic but now she's said it Im gonna do one on purpose. Must be something. Um....
Ok, David Carradine was found dead after it looks like he was doing a Michael Hutchence and hanging himself while knocking one out. Its like Im a pervy fucker but how the fuck does that work?
And of course, he was in Kill Bill with Uma Thurman who was married to Gary Oldman who was in 5th Element with the lovely Milla. Job done :)

Just some random shit

2009-06-02T15:41:00.003+01:00

Boyle simply exhausted, says Holden
Ok, lets analyze this fucking story shall we? Monster lady with the voice of a non monster lady (but NOT a fucking angel by any stretch) has had a bit of a nervous breakdown and we are getting expert medical advice from Amanda fucking Holden?
Amanda Holden who as we all know is a famous... um... well, shes done acting but the only reason anyone knows who the fuck she is, is because she famously got caught cheating on her Z list celebrity husband with another Z list celebrity fucker. So thats like compounded mediocrity. That said, credit where its due... she does look hot in this pic :)
Susan fucking Boyle on the other hand is in the same category as that.... shit, what was her name.. Eva Cassidey. Remember her? Just an average singer who lived her whole life with nobody giving a shit about her till she died young and then she was the voice of a lost angel and the world went nuts over her. Same here. Can Boyle sing? Yeah. Is she any better than hundreds of other unknown singers out there? Fuck no. But again, we love to feel sorry for someone and if we can build up her life into a "struggle against the odds" then all the better.

Post Office Fuckers
So I had to go to the post office this afternoon to send off a recorded delivery. Bad move, especially on a day when I earlier had to check my payslip to sort a bank thing and did the bad move of checking how much the lovely government had taken from me.
Anyway, today is the day all the single mothers and retards wearing just a pair of shorts pop into the post office to get their "sitting on their arse" cash... you know, from the big fund I get to pay into every month.
Now I dont begrudge people signing on. I've never had to do it yet but I know thats more luck than me being that much of a fucking go-getter. Way things are at the moment loads of people are out of work, not out of choice, and it does suck.
But you see these fuckers who have made a career out of getting money to do fuck all, especially the ones who have shit out kids knowing they can get more.... and you kinda want to shoot them in the head. Or at least their kids so as to spare the next generation supporting them as well.

Bladed Bats
So its my birthday on the weekend and as is traditional I once again bought myself something. Rules for this has always been "Under £20" and "Must be something you think is fun or cool but would NEVER buy yourself normally". So I got myself a throwing batarang with a razor bladed edge and the knife thing below. Obviously the wife once again gave me that "But...why?" look she has to do fairly often, but on the plus side they werent confiscated. Just stuck on the shelf with my other nerdy shit. That said the batarang does have a nice weight to it and I'll probably keep rolling it in my hand absent mindedly till I fucking cut myself with the thing.

Shoulda took it to the post office.

A script for the hell of it

2009-06-01T16:15:00.002+01:00

So the incredibly talented if a little backward Stephen Reid asked me to write him up a 6 or 7 pager that we could try and get into Zarjaz magazine which is like a fan fiction mag based around 2000AD.
Its actually not as amateur as I just made that sound as they are authorised by 2000AD, get stories from real creators and put out some pretty cool stuff.

Anyway, we went for a bit of Strontium Dog and I was originally gonna do one where the Gronk was telling a story to his nephews where he was the brave hero and Alpha and Wulf were the timid ones. Had the feeling this might have actually been a real 2000AD script though that I was remembering, so instead went for the basic western riff.

Not sure if its gotten the Flintlockjaw seal of approval yet (though I did write in boobs especially for him) but what the fuck, I thought I'd post it here anyway as its only a quickie. And if you think its a bit light on detail... this is Flint we are talking about. I pretty much need to just write "Page 1... something cool happens". He's my Jack Kirby ;)

Page 1

Panel 1
Wulf and Johnny stood outside a western looking saloon. One mork is tethered to a stand outside next to a water trough and a drunk mutant is propped next to the door asleep. Our mutant has no mouth but a straw from his bottle goes up into his ear

Wulf
So is this der place then Johnny? This where we find Red?
Johnny
That’s what our informant said. But you know what they say about the best place to get information...

Panel 2
Alpha walks up to the horse who looks at him nervously

Johnny
...straight from the mork’s mouth.

Panel 3
Closer in as Alpha moves in a bit, threatening. He places his gun under the morks chin

Johnny
So, you wanna tell me where your partner is, or do we put you out to permanent pasture?
A “CLICK “ sfx from the gun

Panel 4
Just a shot of the horse now, proper scared

Horse
H-Hey, I don’t want any trouble, I’m just the transportation. He’s in the bar. Been in there for hours. Just don’t tell him I told you, ok?

Panel 5
Twin headshot of Alpha and Wulf as they head into the bar. The horse in the background. Wulf looks back as he talks to him

Wulf
Dont worry! Ve be very subtle.

Page 2

Panel 1
View from inside as Alpha kicks open the saloon doors, Wulf next to him. Alpha holds up a wanted poster on which we see a headshot of our bad guy and underneath “Red, Jode”. Maybe on the poster the guy wears a large cowboy hat so his eyes are in shadow, to kinda mirror the Dredd helmet
Alpha
Nobody move! We’re here for Jode.

Wulf
And anyone causing trouble gets a tap from der happy stick!

Panel 2
Chest up shot of a mutie bad guy who is against a wall. He looks off to the side as if talking to one of his boys, laughing as he does
Bad guy
“A tap from DER HAPPY STICK?” What in the sneck...

Panel 3
Same shot but the hammer has swung into frame and where we once saw his head we now see the rear of the hammer and cracks cobweb out from the wall at the point of impact. We also get a cool “CRUNCH!” sfx
Bad guy
...is a haaaaarrghh!

Panel 4
Headshot of Alpha, holding up his gun, Wulf behind him
Wulf
Now he is quiet as der cucumber!

Alpha
I’ll ask again. Where is Red?

Panel 5
Another mutie coming at us, two guns blazing. This is Jode’s squeeze and she has three boobs all seriously cleavaged up. I’ll leave you to make her suitably hot and western moll -ish
Mutie
Nobody’s arresting the only mutie MAN enough for Trixie Toast-Rack!!

Page 3

Panel 1
Alpha throws a time bomb
Alpha
TIME BOMB! Five minute charge!

Panel 2
We see the bomb go off and Trixie phases out mid-run

Trixie
DIE YOU BAS……

Panel 3
Alpha again, just a headshot so as not to take up too much room
Now for the last time, where is Red? We have a lawful warrant....

From off
The Law?

Panel 4
Shot of Red, up on a balcony. A Rob Leifeld style crazy gun in each of his THREE hands… well, if your missus had three tits you would.
Red
I’m Jode Red! I AM THE LAW!

Panel 5
Twin headshot of Wulf and Alpha looking at each other. Both squinting slightly in a “did he REALLY just say that?” kinda way. You should almost see the question marks floating above their heads.

Page 4

Panel 1
Jode vaults over the balcony, guns blazing
Jode
DIE STRONT SCUM!

Panel 2
View from in front as Wulf and Alpha both dive for cover behind two upturned round tables

Panel 3
Low angle behind the tables as Wulf and Alpha crouch. In the gap between we see our guy running towards us/them. Guns still blazing
Jode
C’mon you yellow varmints! I got yer cucumber right here!

Panel 4
Alpha springs out from behind the table to give a huge sweeping uppercut with the Electronux. A trail of energy arcing from it. He does of course shout “ELECTRONUX!” as he does. Traditional innit?

Page 5

Panel 1
Jode flies through the bar window, landing in the horse trough with a big splash

Panel 2
He looks up at his horse, dripping wet
Jode
Hey partner, lets get the hell outta here! We got Stront Dogs after us!

Panel 3
The horse looks back, another small headshot, one eyebrow raised and says EITHER
What do you mean “US” two legs?

Or

I think I’ll say… nay

Panel 4
Low level shot from behind Alpha’s boot as Jode runs away, leaving a trail of water behind him
Jode
I shoulda had you fixed ya mangy mutie nag!

Panel 5
Alpha drops down to one knee, still holding the electronux , and he punches into the puddle by the side of the trough. Sparks fly with a sizzle

Panel 6
Jode arcs as the electricity hits him through the water trail he left.

Page 6

Panel 1
Wulf looks at Alpha
Another days vurk is done, ya?

Panel 2
Close in on Alpha’s hand which holds a pda type pad on which is a headshot of Trixie. Display reads “Trixie Toast Rack. 50,000 credits reward. Warning : Concealed weapons”
Alpha (from off)
Not quite

Panel 3
Wulf stood back in the bar. He holds out his hammer at a right angle, looking bored. Yawning even

Panel 4
Trixie from earlier reappears and runs face first into the outstretched hammer
Trixie
..TARDS!! GAH!”

Panel 5
Wulf and Alpha leave. Wulf carrying Jode and Trixie, one over each shoulder
Wulf
These are heavy Johnny! You sure we cant take der Mork too?

Alpha
Im sure we can arrange something

A man of letters.... and NEW ART MONKEYS!!!

2009-06-01T16:00:00.002+01:00

So letters first....
Being that Im a lazy fucker and Mark is doing all the heavy lifting on Damaged Goods I've jumped on as letterer! And you know what? Its fucking HARD. Definately one of those things where if its done well its invisible and if you screw it up its painfully obvious. Luckily Nic is again helping me out, like she does with my scripts, so will hopefully get the hang of it.
Kinda cool actually as it lets me have the last say on dialogue as sometimes you write it one way, then when you see the pictures a slight change to better fit the art can give you some awesome stuff.

And pictures wise, I was contacted today by a guy who is trying out to do the art on my Snow graphic novel. I've posted a pic of his alongside this but its so wrong someone that good has to do a fucking audition to draw stuff for me!
Of course its going to be an Insomnia book so what it really is, is that he has to meet their high standards which is fair enough. Still seems weird though, but fuck it. This way I get character design sketches to look forward to checking out and I cant wait. He's read the first draft of the first 20 pages and seems really into it and enthusiastic so all cool. His stuff reminds me a bit of Bill Sienkiewicz in as much as it has a bit of a graphic design look to it. Just have to see what he's like at hot chicks and psychotic midgets.

But, with this, same as with Caretakers with Flint and Baby Boomers with Chad and Damaged Goods with Mark... and hell, even the first 3 panel funny I did with Rob Jackson... I'm still waiting to be found out and have them go "Hang on..... why are we letting you do this again?"

Its coz Im cute. I know really.

This weeks Yahoo news riff-age

2009-05-27T13:05:00.002+01:00

Manchester Utd fan stabbed in Rome
This isnt funny... not in the slightest. Somewhere in London this poor guys family are probably worried sick. You're waiting for me to say something like this is a good start arent you? Well Im not gonna.
....as if just one would be a good start ;)

Demi trip to cheer Talent's Susan
So an actress who hasnt had a hit movie in about 15 years and is really more famous for being the ex of Bruce Willis is coming over to cheer on a fucking nobody the nation has taken to their hearts purely based on the fact she is fucking ugly. I can see why this is important and can only hope and pray they manage to get a shot of her in the crowd when she goes as that would be truly magical. Cunts.
Kinda like Lilly Allen for having the balls to say its all shit... and for giving me an excuse to post a pic of her as she's kinda cute at the moment.
Allen slams Susan Boyle
It sums up the fucking British though doesnt it. We love nothing more than a loser who does good, or hell... a loser who "gives it their best". What was that runner who packed in the marathon after a mile or so and we made her into a saint for giving it the good old british try?
This is why America fucking owns us now. They know to call a loser a fucking loser. Its not the taking part, its the stepping over your crippled opposition, possibly pausing to piss on them.

Mother 'in freezer for 20 years'
How do you keep a dead body for 20 years? I need to see a picture of this. I at least wanna see the freezer coz we struggle to fit a weeks worth of shopping in ours let alone a fucking corpse. I also wanna know if she just used the freezer for that or if she stacked fishfingers on top of her as well. Maybe used a banana and some tangerines to give her a smiley snowman face or something

Katie's ex arrested after car crash
Struggling to fill the news on a day without an all important Katie Price update (yesterdays was her cancelling a chat show!!!) the news have luckily found out someone who used to fuck her a few years back has been done for drink driving. We dont know what she thinks of this yet, but Im sure once someone coughs up the required 20 grand we will get her educated insights.
Seriously... there must be some obsessive nutjob out there who "loves her" and can only show her this by cutting off her head and fucking her corpse? Someone? Anyone? please?

Tony FUCKING Curtis

2009-05-26T09:05:00.003+01:00

So let me paint the scene of where we were....
It was the Hay Festival, and if you dont know of Hay on Wye it's pretty much the book captial of the world. Damn near every shop is a huge labyrinthine book shop full of musty old books and rolled up maps and magazines from the 50's. All very cool but it does obviously attract a certain pretentious type, as does the festival. Dont mind the old fuckers so much, more the horse and hounds crew all there buying fair trade coffee and being very right on. There was a kids bit and you know if you went in and shouted "TARQUIN" at least three of the little fuckers woulda run over.
Lots of people with sweaters draped over their shoulders, knee length trousers and "Look what we imported from the third world... to make a difference" black babies.
I found a place selling burgers, but they were venison burgers and I couldnt get a coke anywhere, but there were lots of natural fruit stalls. You know the kind of thing. You just want to punch everyone.

ANYWAY, the reason we went was because Iz got me tickets for an audience with Tony Curtis. Basically us in a HUGE marquee thing while he was interviewed on stage. So he came on, was all kinds of cool and funny, but the best bit was when he told a story about Joan Collins which culminated with him turning to her and saying "Can you stop being such a cunt"

The two seconds of silence after that were PRICELESS. I was pissing myself, as were a lot of the evil old ladies there, but you could feel the "How dare he.. in front of the children!" going on.
Then he even carried on with her going to the director "He called me a cunt" "Well she was a cunt" etc etc. Just genius, the man is a fucking legend. Funny as hell.

We got in the queue later to get a book signed by him and Iz wanted it signed to "Iz" which confused everyone a bit as they hadnt seen Izobel shortened like that before. He was very cool though but said "Is this your name? Izzy? Eye-zie? What do I call you" to which Iz came back with "Whatever you like" and I said "Just dont write it as Easy" which made him laugh! I made Tony Curtis laugh! Yeah, I know its sad to get such a buzz off it, but I grew up watching his stuff so to hear his distinctive laugh and know it was because of me was kinda cool. He did come back with "Well if she is, good for you!".
And he kissed Iz's hand which totally freaked her out (in a good way). Actually he was being a smooth old bastard with all the ladies which was fun to watch. He totally lived up to the hype and just owned the place. Top guy.
Watching Some Like it Hot will never be the same again. I shook hands with a totally cool motherfucker who has nailed Marilyn Monroe.

A Facebook and self promotion bitch

2009-05-22T11:45:00.003+01:00

Firstly I gotta say I love facebook now as it lets you ignore people without deleting them, which I have now probably done to half the contacts I have on there. But despite that, lets bitch about it anyway.

FUCKING TWITTER LINKS. Still pissing me off. So many people linked their Twitter to facebook and its not so much the constant "I am on the bus" "I am walking to work from the bus stop" shit. Its the pathetic attempts to get reactions from famous people of varying levels. I've sussed that if you "befreind" a celeb on twitter and then comment about them with an @ sign, there is a chance they will see it. So all I see now are postst like
I just read Captain Britain by @paulcornell and @leonardkirk then listened to the new @britneyspears record and watched @meganfox and @shialebouf in #Transformers
Seriously, FUCK OFF.

But like I said, Facebook is cool and you can go through your feed and anyone obviously fucking tweeting you can hide.

And self promotion? Well I have comics coming out. I know you have to do the odd bit of promotion and I dont mind that. I actually like it when people tell me they have stuff to check out, especially if its people I know and talk to outside of facebook "press releases".
What does piss me off though are people with podcasts and shit posting updates and posts on forums like "I just saw Star Trek... to find out what I thought about it download my podcast here".
You know what? I dont fucking care what you thought about it that much. You are a fucking nobody with a podcast, your opinion isnt that fucking vital to me. Tell me you got William Shatner on there saying what he thinks, Im interested. Your opinion matters about as much to me as any other fucker I was in the cinema with when I watched it.
Not saying people shouldnt review shit like that. I listen to half a dozen podcasts anyway, I'd expect them to review it and as a listener Im interested in what they think. But expecting to get people to suddenly listen to your shit because you saw the same movie they did at the same fucking time is just stupid. You get into a press thing and see it early - thats interesting. You see it a week after I do then post a podcast a few days after that... who gives a fucking shit?

And if you are wondering why the Megan Fox picture... then you are female or gay.

Ripping on some Yahoo "news" headlines

2009-05-20T09:55:00.003+01:00

Holiday hotspots driving HIV spread
Ok.... Im not saying AIDS is a good thing on any level. Ok? Buuuuut... have you seen the fuckers who go to these places? Especially the UK morons? Would we really miss them? Really?
Just saying is all. I've been abroad and seen the "Here we go, here we go" brigade and you do kinda wish something would come and wipe them all out. Always think when they show raves in Ibiza its kind of a waste not to lock the doors and torch the place. Could just be me though, you might love drunken idiots starting fights because they cant find anything to fuck.

Prison 'failing' disabled inmates
Ahhhh, you mean if you are in a wheelchair in prison you dont get proper care? GOOD. Maybe its so, oh I dunno, make people thing its a bad place to go so they dont want to go back when they get out!

No more tears over split - Price
Big surprise. Jordan who whored out her wedding and the birth of her kids has also done so with her divorce. And is that really a fucking NEWS headline? That she has decided not to cry about the divorce any more? Still pisses me off you get cunts like this bitch working the media who keep lapping it up to sell on to morons. Its Wednesday, I guarantee within a week there will be a new revelation as she keeps the story going and the cheques for the exclusive reveals coming in. You know, Im not really pissed with her. Shes fucking clever and is just working the machine. Its the fact there is a demand for this shit that really bugs me. You shoot her in the head the media would bump up someone else to take her place within minutes.

Duping morons

2009-05-18T19:00:00.002+01:00

Saw two adverts just now, one after the other, both fucking stupid. Well, actually they were clever but designed to fool stupid people

First one was for the Army. Over and above the whole concept of advertising the army, this one basically was selling the army as the coolest first person shooter game you could get. Seriously, the whole thing was done like a cool game, viewed through sniper rifle sights etc.
Of course they dont mention the lack of a fucking reset button on this game, but it does kinda worry me they are using this angle to recruit.

Second one was about the fucking science of shaving. Gillette or someone trying to make fucking razorblades sound like sportscars or something. Lots of flashy graphics, animations to show you... well a razor cutting a hair basically, and of course ending with the hot chick who will doubtless fuck you senseless if you can make your face as smooth as a fucking five year olds. I mean, do people buy into this shit? All this "Mach 7 laser fusion robo stealth" rubbish? Actually, yeah, they probably do... pricks. I use a disposable razors from the supermarket. The science is really clever... the sharp end cuts the hairs on my face.

Oh, and the Redbull adverts. The "..gives you wings" ones.. they make me want to kill you. Please stop playing them. Or at least be honest and say "Red Bull will stop you passing out when you are drugged off your fucking tits".

Shit I gotta get done

2009-05-13T15:58:00.003+01:00

Ahhh... the hectic life of the lazy ass amateur comic monkey. Anyway, to do list

1) Snow - Need to get the first 30 pages in a good enough shape for them to show to artists. It was apparently mentioned to one or two at the Bristol Con last weekend (which I will blog about in the next day or two) but now they'll wanna see a script.

2) Damaged Goods - I'm a fair bit ahead of the art on this, but still worried Mark will have a crazy spurt and I'll suddenly leave him waiting for more. Got a few cool ideas but nothing written down yet.

3) Strontium Dog - That crazy Oirish fucker Flintlockjaw wants us to get a story into Zarjaz magazine so he's asked me to write him a Stront story. Kinda hard as I love the old stuff so much everything I think of doesnt seem cool enough. Really want to do it though so will try and get it done this weekend.

4) The Gentleman and the Cad. This started as a drunken Skype bullshit session with Barry Nugent author of Fallen Heroes, and after an in person and even drunker-er (hey, its a good fucking work) session at Bristol I think I got him excited at the idea. We're bouncing ideas now. Think it'll be a co-story deal. Then I'll comic it up and he can come in and fix the dialogue at the end.... or something. Dunno. Fun stuff to do with a mate though

5) And talking of stuff with mates... MarcusQ sent me a short story idea this week so I really wanna push the fucker to get it done. Not just coz he is a bud either, its a cool story. Hmmmm.... and it would possibly fit in the next Insomnia anthology book too.......
I also kinda wanna have a go at illustrating it with photo manips, just coz its a laugh to do.

Fucking Barclays Bank and a quick bitch about the news

2009-05-12T10:06:00.003+01:00

So my pc at home is way old now and seriously struggling with all the crap I wanna do with it.
The wife however only has her laptop and mine would be a major step up, so we decided I get a new one, she gets my old one, everyone is happy. Paid for it on my credit card last night, job done.

So this morning I ring Barclays to say "Hello, I just made a big payment on my Barclays credit card, I wish to increase the £20 a month standing order I had from my Barclays bank account up to £100"

All cool right? Same fucking company, couldnt be easier? Actually it couldnt be more difficult.

Rang up and they asked for my 6 digit phone banking pass. I didnt know I had one. So they say they need to ask me 20 questions for security. No problems, they do, I answer I get a "hello Mr McAuliffe, how can we help?"
We start the ball rolling, they check my account, tell me personal details about it, then say they cannot increase this payment as I didnt give them the code at the start. I have to ring back in a week once this code has been posted out to me.
They do however say if I want they can set up a loan to pay this off!

So their security stops me paying money IN, something no fraudster would do. But it does let me arrange a fucking loan which would get me in more shit.
Bunch of cunts

And talking of bunches of cunts, why is Jordan and Peter Andres divorce in the fucking news? Celebrity bullshit news for retards, yeah. In the REAL news section of news sites though? Fuck off.
Seriously she gets her kit off enough that she must have loads of fucked up stalkers. Cant one of them get on and skin her or something?

I still hate everybody

2009-05-08T09:37:00.002+01:00

So last night we went to the cinema to see Star Trek. You seen it? Go see it. It rocks.
But again, there was the usual joy in the cinema of the constant sound of motherfuckers rustling oversize bags of sweets through the entire thing. JUST FUCKING DIE ALREADY.

Seriously, why do people find it impossible to sit through a 2 hour movie without eating through the entire thing?
We went to see Wolverine last week and in front of us was this dumb blonde bitch with a huge box of nachos. All through the adverts and trailers she just sat there... well, she sat there texting some fucker. And her boyfriend said "Arent you going to eat those?" and she came back with "No... they are for the MOVIE!"
So the second the film started... CRUNCH. RUSTLE. CRUNCH. etc etc

I dont get it. Am I the only one who goes to the cinema to see the movie? Everyone else seems to be about the whole "I must have my popcorn and sweets and big bottle of coke that'll make me need to get up and piss 20 times during the film". On the plus side the mobile phone use seems to have died down a bit and the pricks have realised that texting on a lit phone in a dark cinema also is a "PLEASE KILL ME" advert, but the food thing still pisses me off. And worse, it makes the cinema too much money for it to ever go away.

I think I need to start putting razorblades in random popcorn boxes. Get a bit of paranoia going

The pregnancy pass

2009-05-05T14:09:00.002+01:00

So the big story at the moment is about a British woman who was stopped at a Laos airport and caught smuggling 50% over the amount of heroin for which you get the automatic death penalty.
The big deal though is apparently she is pregnant so of course now its just sad, and tragic, and why isnt the UK government doing more to help her and all that shit.
The Laos lot are saying the law bans the execution of pregnant prisoners, but strangely even though she has been imprisoned since August last year, she is just 5 months pregnant. So what has obviously happened is she has fucked for a pass. The bleeding hearts are now saying "Oh, the poor girl probably got raped" but I'd bet she was informed of the loophole and has just fucked anyone who is vaguely interested hoping to get knocked up.

Now Im not gonna say they should still shoot her and let the baby die as well. But you know... the day AFTER she has it would be fair enough. I mean, if it was me I'd be one dead fucker... why should a girl get special treatment? And dont they know this just means you will have women getting pregnant then doing these little drug runs under the protection of their condition, then just get abortions when they are safely home. Its like a little bullet proof vest.

Maybe Im being too harsh. ;)

Quick story tho, dunno if I said before.
Went to New York the year before last. Did the Empire State thing. Big old windy queues to get up to the top and there was this little black security woman who looked like she stepped straight out of a movie. All "dont fuck with me" attitute but cool with it.
There was a seperate path at the side for disabled people to jump the queue, and this guy walked up there with his pregnant wife. The security woman just looked at them and went "Where do you think you are going" to which the woman did the "But Im PREGNANT" in the way the fucking annoying ones do to get special treatment. Security woman just looked her in the eye and said "Pregnant aint disabled. GET TO THE BACK OF THE LINE!"
Fucking awesome

Snow - My next graphic novel from Insomnia

2009-05-04T10:44:00.003+01:00

So as Insomnia have put together a promo release for this I can start to bore you all about it.
No art yet... they havent even assigned an artist. And no script either!
That said I did have to submit a lot of detail as to the story content and characters etc, so this isnt like the old Image comics thing where they would release a blurb then if orders were good, actually then go and think "Ok, so what should it be about?"

Got the full story in my head and lots of scribbled notes about cool moments I want to put in and odd scraps of dialogue. Ideally want to get stuck in properly this week so that I have a good 15-20 pages to give them at the Bristol Con so they know I'm serious. Luckily I am far enough ahead script-wise on Damaged Goods that I can put that on the back burner for a week or two.

Anyway, here is the very cool blurb they put together for it....

Snow: Reflections on Desire and Depravity

“…a daughter of the coven will be her undoing.”

Once upon a time there was a land bound by winter, a land where bloodstains of the deepest scarlet and ravens' feathers, of the blackest ebony, are fallen on snow of the purest white. Oh, you think you’ve heard this story before, somewhere? So how come the mirrors in the castle are refusing reflections? What is that howling noise out there in the darkness? Who has commanded the release of the Seven? And why is the Queen so disturbed?

Snow is a dark and witty exploration of decadence challenged by duty. Building on a subversive deconstruction of classic themes, it’s a sensuous and disturbing story that rips the meat from the bones of what you know, right down to the last bloody scraps.

Everything comes back to 2000AD... apparently

2009-05-04T10:22:00.004+01:00

So yeah, after threatening to do it for ages, Flint finally got around to recording his 2000AD podcast... and I got roped in as episode one co-host.
In it we basically bullshit a lot while going over the very first two issues of 2000AD and the latest one which at the time of recording was 1631.
Due to his co-host for the second one having to pull out I'm also on there which does issues 3 and 1632-33. Was a laugh to do, even though listening back I can really hear the alcohol kicking in towards the end.

Anyway, you can get the first episode here. Second should be up in the next day or two and can also be got by either checking Geek Syndicate on itunes or their website. I was surprised how well its been received actually. Did think the guys on the 2000AD boards would tear us apart, but luckily due to my being very open about the fact I'm an old school 2000AD fan coming back in and as such am a little lost, they are cutting us a lot of slack.

Flint also is blogging the early issues as he goes through them so if you are a hardcore fan you can check that out on his website.

People are stupid

2009-04-30T14:33:00.002+01:00

So I was in Lidls again... soaking up the atmosphere. Grabbing a can of coke.

In the queue to get my shit and theres this Alan Moore looking fucker in the queue in front of me talking to the girl on the checkout. I say talking, he was talking. She hadnt quite perfected the indoor voice yet.

Anyway it was like this... I'll do AM for Alan moore and CG for checkout girl

CG
I saw Wolverine last night. I loves the X-Men films I do. My son loves them as well and so does my boyfriend

AM
I dont care for superhero movies. I find them childish, I much prefer Star Trek.

CG
Oh yeah, I wants to see Star Trek. Do you wants to see Star Trek?

AM
Oh no. Have you seen the trailer? Its preposterous. The entire movie is about Kirk driving around in a car! The whole point of Star Trek is KIRK CANNOT DRIVE AROUND IN A CAR! He doesnt have the capacity to drive. Thats what makes him Kirk!

CG
Oh, I loves Star Trek. I watches it all the time. My favourite is the one with that Jean Paul Gauiltier in it. He's wicked.

AM (now quite animated)
I only like the ORIGINAL. And of course Deep Space Nine because as everyone knows it is based on Babylon Five (and he turned to the other people queuing to emphasise this) THE GREATEST TELEVISION SHOW OF ALL TIME!!!

So he pisses off. Its my turn. Im trying not to make eye contact with the dough faced girl but she just held my can in a "I might scan this in a minute and talked to me"

CG
So do you like Wolverine

Me
Yeah, I saw it last night

CG
Yeah, I loved it. I hope they make a sequel

Me
Well, the first X-Men movie is really its sequel

CG (laughing)
Dont be STUPID. That was out ages ago. How could it be a sequel?

My can of coke was really nice though.

I got another comic book signed up!

2009-04-29T11:15:00.002+01:00

So I just got the email through this morning saying that my pitch for a full original graphic novel has been accepted. This is all kinds of cool, if a little scary as it'll be the longest single thing I've tried my hand at. Damaged Goods is a full OGN (nerd term) but its an anthology of short horror stories where this is one great big thing.

Luckily I have a very cool editor who has kinda taken me under her wing a bit and helped me a lot with putting ideas together, so she can hopefully steer me towards putting out something that people will dig.

Cant say too much about it at the moment but it'll be dark and sexy. Will be trying to work in some slight humour but it'll be of the "HA! They just chopped his head off" kind of funny.
I will of course bore the shit out of any of you reading this with updates as and when artist get assigned etc

And to make up for posting more crap about myself, I offer by means of an apology two pictures of Megan Fox wearing a hot corset while filming Jonah Hex

Comic Review : Oceanverse #01

2009-04-27T18:44:00.003+01:00

Oceanverse Issue 1
So seeing as I'm an indy comics monkey myself I figured it was only fair I looked at another independent comic for my first review in a while. So the one I picked, by virtue of my wife having bought it, was Oceanverse, written and drawn by Michael Schwartz.

Ok, lets give you the short version. This book is fucking weird. BUT, and its an important "but" ... its cool and weird. This first issue basically introduces us to the crew of the Red Herring, a submarine full of the types of adventurers you would get in 40s and 50s comics and movies. Granted, in the 40's they never had a talking cow as the ship's cook like in this book, but this does still have a cool retro feel to it. While not a parody on the old boys own adventure strips like Dan Dare and 20,000 Leagues under the Sea this does seem to give a nod to these whilst doing its own odd thing.

The first thing you will notice though is the weird layout in as much as the pages are all landscape, not portrait. This is due to each page having been originally published as two online webstrips and I was impressed that while each part has to be understandable as an of itself, it also all flowed together really well once collected.

This is a weird one for me to want to recommend as while I really enjoyed it, it was odd enough that I could see some people just not getting it. So what I would recommend is going to check out the webcomic first which you can do at Oceanverse.com and decide for yourself

Its definately worth a visit, and anyway, how often do you get to see someone punch out a swordfish?

Nasty case of MyBrute addiction

2009-04-27T11:26:00.003+01:00

MYBRUTE
You seen this "game"? I'm putting in the commas coz unlike most games you dont actually do anything.
You just select a fight for your guy and he jumps in and does the rest.. or in my case, doesnt do the rest. Seriously... my guy sucks!

Weirdly though its horribly fucking addictive. You get one point for a lose and two for a win and as you get more points you get higher stats and weapons. I currently have a dog who is kinda cool, a stick which does fuck all damage and a club that Steven fucking Hawking could dodge with a wheel clamp on. Regarldess I'm still checking into it first thing every morning.
I do like the way though that unlike most online games there seems to be no way to cheat.
And I've looked as well. Searched for Mybrute cheats and Mybrute hacks ... got nothing. Only way to increase your mybrute health and stats is to do what I'm doing... keep logging in and getting your arse kicked.

Anyway, if you too wanna get sucked in go check it out here
You can also then view the last few times my guy got royally ass-fucked. On Level 7 at the moment so only 3 off the magic level 10 at which point I can start up a clan so all the other nerds I know playing can join and um.... nothing probably.
See? I told you.. its shit. WHY CANT I QUIT THE FUCKING THING??